My DD's first boyfriend is transgender and I feel weird about it.

[Milicentbystander72]

I've always been a very liberal minded person. Supported gay rights all my life. My best friend and DN are gay. I support the rights of Trans people to live their life etc.

My dd15 has a nice group of friends (boys and girls). In that group is a Trans teen (Female to Male). He changed his name in Y8, He's totally accepted as Male at school. There are no issues. He looks completely Male and people who don't know him would never think that he'd been born female. He's a nice boy who is well liked. All good.

Except last night my DD told me she's going out with him. I've surprised myself that this has unnerved me.

My dd hasn't had a BF before. She's only ever snogged one boy before at a party. She says she's 100% straight. She says she fancies the cool older boys in Sixth Form. Has teenage celebrity crushes on boys like Tom Holland etc. So how does this work for her?

Last night I told her all was fine and just to be careful they didn't damage a friendship if they broke up etc, but I didn't make a big deal of it.

Would you find this weird if your dc said they were straight? Please be honest. I'm kind of hoping it fizzles out without any drama.

I think you just have to go with it. She has chosen to like a person - their relationship matters not what bits they do or don't have. That's really a credit to you.

Booboostwo
Or maybe the OP's DD has a right to be attracted to anyone she likes without having to label herself.*

Forgive me for sounding old and out of touch but it seems to me that it is this obsession with labels and self-identity that is causing all this confusion in the first place.

When I was a teenager in the 90s I had the bloody good fortune of mixing with all sorts of brilliant non-conformists. There were plenty of boys with long flowing hair wearing tight silk blouses and sparkly feather boas with glittery eye make up and girls with inch short hair dressed in baggy lumberjack shirts, flares and doc martins, swigging from bottles of Becks. We were a mixture of gay, straight and bi and everyone was expressing themselves however they wanted but we didn’t have all this gender confusion.

Of course there was this need for ‘identity’ as there is with most teenagers but this was mostly tied up with what music you liked and clubs you went to. It was never down to whether your choice of dress style aligned with the stereotypical masculine/feminine expectations associated with your sexual organs.

It seems like we, as a society, have taken a massive step backwards.

TBH, at 15 puberty is just starting, as is the hormonal drama. It sounds like you handled it well, OP, with the minimum of fuss.

It does sound a bit weird due to the cognitive dissonance: you know full well that DD's boyfriend has a female body, so it's a gay rather than a hetero relationship. But that's the zeitgeist these days.

Ellie, why did you have a boyfriend for three months and never try to kiss him?

Did you miss the bit where she, like the OP's daughter, was 15?

Sure, some 15 year olds are having sex, but plenty are not. FWIW I remember my best mate (who did end up having sex aged 15) spent months talking about her 'boyfriend' and going on 'dates' (ie., meeting up awkwardly in the coffee shop while we all sat at another table and chatting to him). I don't think they kissed for a good while either. Not that odd ... especially if the lad was in the process of figuring out he was gay!

EndofDays: This isn’t true for many people. I know it is not the point of the thread, but many straight women do really like penises. It is fine if you don’t, but it is a classic bit of sexism to suggest normal women don’t really like male genitals.

Totally agree with this. It is indeed classic sexism - "women don't really have sexual desires, they just have romantic urges and lie back and think of England with the flannel nightie pulled up when it comes to consumating those urges etc."

OP, I wouldn't worry too much. Teen years are a period of experimentation. It may be that she is straight, and this is the equivalent of manufactured boy-bands back in my youth (which always featured androgynous, hence unthreatening looking, youths as kind of practice for "fancying men without too much threatening in-your-face maleness"). Or she may be bi, or even (to use today's new-fangled moniker) pansexual (which, jokes about Le Creuset aside, seems to mean fancying either set of genitals attached to either set of sex stereotypes).

So long as (a) she doesn't get into a sexual situation beyond what she is emotionally able to cope with at this stage and (b) doesn't get drawn into an emotional support role, it probably won't do much harm.

‘I think you just have to go with it. She has chosen to like a person - their relationship matters not what bits they do or don't have. That's really a credit to you.‘

Because bisexuals are morally superior to everyone else.

Sounds like a safe 'toe in the water' kind of first relationship. Surely what a lot of girls want and why they have crushes on safe, distant, boyish boyband members - or their fantasy versions of same.

It would be nice to think, of any 15yo, that they'd be holding hands and kissing, rather than having sex. (and hey, at least she won't get pregnant and might find things out about her actual preferences).

I seem to remember that 'someone who listens and understands me' and notions of romanticism were a lot higher up the priority list than sex, at that age. In that sense, it's potentially perfect - depending on whether they are each good for the other.

In that sense, it's potentially perfect - depending on whether they are each good for the other.

The second part is the most important part of that sentence - not an afterthought.

Did you miss the bit where she, like the OP's daughter, was 15?

Sure, some 15 year olds are having sex, but plenty are not.

The PP mentioned kissing not sex. It’s normal not to be having sex at 15 but no kissing - in that case they’re not really a bf.

From age 16 my DD dated males, females, male to female, female to male. She went through the whole range! From about 21 onwards it has been strictly males. I never made a big deal of it and she never "labelled" her sexuality. Why do we feel this need for labels? If we are saying we don't care whether our DC are straight or not, then why do we need to "clarify" with them what they are and then question if they don't conform to that? Live and let live! As they say. I agree with pp's that all this "labelling" is actually a step backwards. Everyone should be free to date who they choose without feeling bound by whatever box society wants to put them into.

I think I'd be relieved at the fact she couldn't fall pregnant 😂

I also understand your reaction, as no matter how what gender he is, biologically I am assuming he has a vagina and breasts..

There are two options here, either this is a status thing, look at us, how cool are we, or it's sexual, and of course clearly then your daughter isn't straight, but also clearly that's her business.

On balance based on what she's said, I think this is the former, it's a status thing, how cool are we, rather than they are sexually involved.

There are two options here, either this is a status thing, look at us, how cool are we, or it's sexual

Or it's neither of those things and they just like each other. Just like any relationship at that age.

It is somewhat important to clarify what your attractions are because there are a lot of stereotypes and assumptions made about women.

Really thinking and talking about what you want and what you like is important in developing as a person both sexually and romantically and in enforcing boundaries.

@Juells

This situation doesn't make OPs daughter an in the closet lesbian.

OP, the way I see it, your daughter has looked past all of the physical stuff and fallen for a nice personality/soul. At this stage, it doesnt have to be any more complicated than that.

Those who think OP's DD isn't totally heterosexual because she is in a relationship with someone with a vagina are being ridiculous.

Really? your definitions of heterosexual and homosexual obviously differ to mine. I'm a straight woman and nothing would persuade me to have a sexual relationship with a woman, no matter how masculine she looked.

I wouldn’t have a problem with it as long as they were happy and good for each other

It will fizzle out if she is actually straight and i think there can be experimentation as a teenager, doesn’t mean it will define their sexuality for ever

She's 15, she likes him and thinks he's nice and cool and feels comfortable and relaxed with him. I think it's great for both of them.

Do people really think most 15 years Olds are not just considering but having sex? That sex is not held with the same virtue issues that is was when we were young, that fwb and casual sex not just sex inside a relationship is what is happening?

im pretty terfy, but I wouldnt particularly be bothered about this, and id just be relieved that she wouldnt get pregnant. However, I wouldnt believe that the child was male. Id probably try and be sensitive as its a child, but if my daughter questioned me, i would tell them that.

i think there can be experimentation as a teenager, doesn’t mean it will define their sexuality for ever

It's a shame the same isn't being applied to the other girl in the relationship. Everyone in their life seems so sure she's a boy, it will be very difficult for them to change their mind if they decide otherwise in the future.

Or it's neither of those things and they just like each other

I'm not sure that would constitute a romantic relationship though. They aren't saying they are simply friends, they are saying they are in a romantic relationship.

Most 15 year olds aren’t having PIV sex, but they are doing other sexual things.

Everyone is fine with it, but the daughter has gone from saying she's gender fluid to thinking she too is also a boy (not sure where that would leave the current relationship). She's considered binders and medication.

there is absolutely nothing about that that I would be fine with, and that highlights the problem going on with the OP.

This is not a happy benign little fun situation with teens experimenting, it is a situation that could result in serious health problems.