My DD's first boyfriend is transgender and I feel weird about it.

[Milicentbystander72]

I've always been a very liberal minded person. Supported gay rights all my life. My best friend and DN are gay. I support the rights of Trans people to live their life etc.

My dd15 has a nice group of friends (boys and girls). In that group is a Trans teen (Female to Male). He changed his name in Y8, He's totally accepted as Male at school. There are no issues. He looks completely Male and people who don't know him would never think that he'd been born female. He's a nice boy who is well liked. All good.

Except last night my DD told me she's going out with him. I've surprised myself that this has unnerved me.

My dd hasn't had a BF before. She's only ever snogged one boy before at a party. She says she's 100% straight. She says she fancies the cool older boys in Sixth Form. Has teenage celebrity crushes on boys like Tom Holland etc. So how does this work for her?

Last night I told her all was fine and just to be careful they didn't damage a friendship if they broke up etc, but I didn't make a big deal of it.

Would you find this weird if your dc said they were straight? Please be honest. I'm kind of hoping it fizzles out without any drama.

I’m so sick of labels. Your daughter has a friend who she feels is special and who she wants to spend time with. If it turned out to be a long term thing then you might have to have a discussion with her about the way they may be treated by other people in society.

Unpc as it is to say it, for the moment at least DD is essentially going out with a girl. The plus for me would be that she can’t get pregnant.

I think my concern would be my DD having a relationship with someone who’s head is clearly not in a good place.

I agree with this. All you can really do is be in the wings to support her or indeed the trans bf if and when the need arises.

I loved all my girl mates as a teenager and thought I must be gay because I had such strong feelings. Teens are discovering themselves at that age. I'd be glad she's dating a girl so no pregnancy worries

I would be ok with it if it was my child. The way you've described this boy he seems well adjusted and accepted by his peers as well as a nice person in general. Why not invite him round for tea and talk to him - get to know him like you would with any of your DD's friends/boyfriends. Seeing them together will tell you about how compatible they are. At 15 it's unlikely to last but I would just let her know that you're there if she needs to talk, which you already have.

I hope they have a happy relationship OP. The only thing that would worry me is that your DD might feel guilty if she doesn't feel attracted to female sexual organs - i.e. she might feel self-imposed guilt, not guilt coming from her partner. That might be a source of some distress/confusion as she works through/deciphers the feelings. All you can do is be there and supportive, I guess.

I should have added, it is really difficult territory to tread. Trans kids are vulnerable. But are they vulnerable because they’re trans or are they trans because they’re vulnerable? Eg from outside influences, because they are autistic etc.

I'm not sure how to can say this child is well-adjusted? They sound anything but.

"Wow by the looks of it all the transphobes just JUMPED at the sight of this post."

When did it become "transphobic" to believe in biology?

At 15 though, your daughter's friend isn't going to look like a mature teenage boy. Isn't going to have body or facial hair and is going to have breasts (unless you aren't in the UK).
So your daughter is attracted to the female body. Which is great! But not straight.
Though of course lots of teenagers "go out with" people they aren't particularly attracted to.

Yes yes, PPs make some excellent points about ensuring your DD does not get pressured into finding the female body attractive, if she doesn't.

Sounds like DD is a bit bi. Or she’s going through a phase. A number of teens experiment with same sex stuff as it can feel safer.

Or maybe the OP's DD has a right to be attracted to anyone she likes without having to label herself.

Except that this person has labelled themself a “boy” but is actually a girl. So clearly labels are important to this person, if not to the OP’s DD.

She's only 15. Many people, especially girls, are unsure of their sexual orientation at that age and for quite a while longer. There's no need to pin her down as straight, lesbian or bisexual - time will tell.

My concern would be that she's spending a lot of time with someone who does not have a healthy relationship with their own female body. What messages is she picking up from that? Also, ROGD is socially contageous so if she's spending a lot of time with this person and other young people mired in queer theory, I'd be worried she might herself decide she is a boy, or even just NB.

Just treat them as partners, everyone is right about personality being the main factors at this age, and I bet in six month things will have changed again.

I imagine it's a super safe first boyfriend who can't even theoretically rape her or get her pregnant. And one who has insight into how it feels ot be a girl, so possibly more empathetic than some boys that age. Quite a good choice, maybe.

I agree with this post - at 15, sex might not be on the cards for her yet, or any of the aspects of an adult sexual relationship that make male/female so important, but kissing/making out with a "boyfriend" who has a female body, female understanding (of what it's like being a teenage girl) actually sounds very restful, for want of a better word! She gets a boyfriend, without any of the pressures of dealing with a 15 year old male libido when she is not ready for/interested in any of that yet.

I think the fluidity of it all is very positive, and I wouldn't worry too much about it. It will in all likelihood fizzle out pretty soon, like pretty much every 15 year old boyfriend/girlfriend relationship!

Your DD has made a bond with an individual and it is making her happy - that's all that matters.

If she was an adult I would say the below paragraph and mean it 100% but she is not and you are her Mum and should be paying attention and not totally minding your own business - but in essence the below is still true .

If we could all stop making assumptions about each other as human beings, stop being concerned about what happens between consenting adults, not give a monkeys about how people express their individuality and stop caring about whether what is in someone's p[ants fits with our own labels of how they identify as a human being and mind our own business a bit more, then the world would be a more peaceful place.

Worry about controlling behaviours, violence, manipulation in relationships if they arise - you know - how they actually treat each other - not what is in their pants.

As long as this person genuinely cares about your daughter and isn’t just using her as a validation tool then I dont see the issue.
I don’t believe someone can change sex, well I don’t just believe it I know because sex is at a genetic level but people CAN change gender and present however they want and we should accept that.
She’s probably getting loads of “woke” points on insta or whatever too!

I also agree with this: I think my concern would be my DD having a relationship with someone who’s head is clearly not in a good place.

As long as there's no coercion, physical, emotional or socially, then I'd say there's no apparent reason to be concerned. Is your daughter strong enough to say "no" if she wants to? Will the other person respect that? I'd be asking the same question no matter who she was dating, but socially, I know there are certain "labels" worn that signify a special untouchable status, and its difficult to go against the flow.

She won’t be gay, just brainwashed that this kid is actually a male so will see it as no different than any other heterosexual relationship.

Totally disagree. Doesn’t sound like he’s post-op, just that he looks boyish, in which case he’s still physically a girl.

It’s ok for DD to be attracted to that, and also to the combination of gender characteristics.

It’s basically her old friend in plaid shirt and a boy’s haircut.

You were right to not make a big thing about it. As they are only 15 it will probably fizzle out quite soon anyway but even if they have a long relationship does it really matter whether her partner is male, female or trans?

I'd say it's probably deemed by her friends and peers to be quiet cool to be dating this person.

It's a bit rebellious, she not the first 15 year old girls to do something bit bit different and shocking.

That's your problem not hers so don't make her or her bf suffer it. Also what Basecamp65 said ^