My DD's first boyfriend is transgender and I feel weird about it.

[Milicentbystander72]

I've always been a very liberal minded person. Supported gay rights all my life. My best friend and DN are gay. I support the rights of Trans people to live their life etc.

My dd15 has a nice group of friends (boys and girls). In that group is a Trans teen (Female to Male). He changed his name in Y8, He's totally accepted as Male at school. There are no issues. He looks completely Male and people who don't know him would never think that he'd been born female. He's a nice boy who is well liked. All good.

Except last night my DD told me she's going out with him. I've surprised myself that this has unnerved me.

My dd hasn't had a BF before. She's only ever snogged one boy before at a party. She says she's 100% straight. She says she fancies the cool older boys in Sixth Form. Has teenage celebrity crushes on boys like Tom Holland etc. So how does this work for her?

Last night I told her all was fine and just to be careful they didn't damage a friendship if they broke up etc, but I didn't make a big deal of it.

Would you find this weird if your dc said they were straight? Please be honest. I'm kind of hoping it fizzles out without any drama.

You should be proud of the accepting person your daughter is too though!

TBH I think the OP would be more proud if the daughter said she was lesbian and didn't pretend that a female was male. Her 'boyfriend' is a girl who presents herself as male, while being physically female. There is nothing wrong with being a female who dresses and looks like a male, but let's not be gaslighted.

@ShitFuckBastardBollocks - I think that might be a bit premature and confusing to her. If she starts having active sex with him then yes, I'd agree but age 15 it can be all posturing and play acting and not much physical or sexual activity.

My DNephew's girlfriend decided she was a boy. (Still had waist length hair and wore miniskirts but changed her name and insisted everyone call her by male pronouns. Split up with DNephew who was very upset until he came up with the bright idea of realising he was gay so they could get back together. After this he went out wiht a few trans boys who were very feminine and called himself gay officially.

DBro had to take him aside after years of this nonsense and explain to him that he had never once slept with anyone with a willy after many years of being sexually active and so he wasn't even bi. He was straight.

RedSuitcase you expect your 15yo to give you details of their sex life? That sounds disturbing to me.

Butchyrestingface the OP mentions her DD's attraction to male idols and then asks "So how does this work for her?". I took that to mean how does it work practically, but perhaps she means something else? If it is just a general question then how does any attraction work? Most things other people are attracted to seem incomprehensible to us.

Yes, god forbid the OP's DD turn out to be not 100% straight.

Given that the OP doesn't appear to be a raging homophobe, I doubt that matters.

Teenagers date (and fancy) all sorts of people. Some of them stay consistent in their preferences; others don't.

Just go with it. If he treats your daughter well and is a nice kid, gender isn't important.

called himself gay officially

what on earth does this mean? And no, he's not gay is he's going out with girls.

FFS, being gay or straight is SEXuality and has squat to do with gender identity and everything to do with SEX.

I don't believe that someone can change their biological sex no.

However, this teen is the first transgender person I've had experience of for a long time. It's surprised just how 'normal' and absolutely Male he is. I've found this has had me questioning what I think.

I call him he because that's how he refers to himself, his parents do, the school do and all his peer group. When you see him you don't think "he's pretending to be Male" he absolutely just is. It's not even mentioned very much in school. It's accepted. I'm glad for him this is the case.

Thanks for the advice of not making a big deal of it to my dd. I think this is how I will continue. I am proud of her views on inclusion etc.

I think it just jolted me that this is her first romance and sexually (if it gets that far which I hope it doesn't) it's the complete opposite of what she says she's interested in. As you say, it's all a bit experimental in the teenage years.

They're 15. Not necessarily a sex thing at all more of a "status" . I've no idea if your dd is gsy or straight but I dont think you can tell anything from this announcement.

Is the OP's DD lesbian or hetero? What a burning question! Maybe she is bi or queer which avoids the gaped mouthed questions.

Or maybe the OP's DD has a right to be attracted to anyone she likes without having to label herself.

I don't think in this case (or most cases tbh) that labelling her sexuality is important or relevant. She clearly likes this person and she needs to work things out for herself.

Why is it “transphobic” to state biological facts, DefinitelyNOTamum? The daughter’s partner has female genitalia, and therefore if they have a relationship it will be a lesbian one. There’s nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with pointing it out either.

@Booboostwo a 15 year old girl shouldn't be having sex? You're aware of the age of consent yes? So it's entirely a parent's business to be involved with trying to ensure this isn't happening as far as is able. Nothing weird about that - it's called parenting a young teen.

Wow by the looks of it all the transphobes just JUMPED at the sight of this post.

Oh really? Where? I see nobody being "phobic" of a female sexed person choosing to live their life in a stereotypically male way in terms of clothing, presentation, name etc.

Just some people rationally pointing out that OP's daughter is dating a biological female and there are other considerations to that, than if they were a biological male.

Obviously stating a biological fact can't be phobic...because it is just a fact. I have blonde hair and green eyes. Does saying that make me brunette/brown eyed-phobic?

DD has had trans friends although not a trans boyfriend or girlfriend.

I talked to her about how being trans is not an excuse to make sexist comments or use her as some kind of unpaid support worker.

So any kind of I am male because I don’t like girl stuff XYZ, DD was quick to refuse to be on the receiving end of that sexism, or to be pushed into a ‘girl role’ because someone else wanted to act out how they think boys should behave.

All her trans friends stopped being trans by the end of secondary school.

My male gay friend dated a pre op transgender female to male. But as soon as they went past kissing (he had facial hair etc) realises/recognised that’s he’s not straight so just couldn’t get sexually active with female sex organs. His words not mine. It’s very interesting how it’s all got so fluid in the last 5 yrs

Like I tell my DD (16) I don't care who she loves once its legal and moral..Don't go labelling yourself any stage of life..You can't help who you fall for and as I said once its legal who cares? This just shows how accepting she is and I bet the un unnerving feeling is because the Momma in you is worried about how she will be treated by others who aren't so accepting

I talked to her about how being trans is not an excuse to make sexist comments...So any kind of I am male because I don’t like girl stuff XYZ

I think this is a very important point, and one worth repeating.

Not so much of a comment on the OPs DD but on the OP up thread who said their friend has married a transgender man (F to M) but claims to be straight.

Surely that's only the case if her husband has had sex change surgery?

If not, she is having sex with a female body... in that scenario she'd be bi.

Im straight, I am not attracted to the female body and would not want to have sex with someone without a penis. Similarly, my husband is straight and would not have sex with someone with a penis.

If I were transgender without surgery, and therefore had a penis (but identified as a woman) I could not rightly accuse a man of being "transphobic" for not wanting to have sex with me... He'd just be straight (ie. Attracted to vaginas)

I have zero problem at all with people's sexual preferences, before anyone accuses me of homophobia.

It's great, like any other lesbian relationship.

She's 15. The relationship is highly unlikely to last. Teenagers need space to work out who they are and what they want. I'd just leave her to get on with it (not that I don't see where you're coming from)

Well put RedSuitcase.couldn`t agree more.

OP, it's very important that your daughter isn't used as an emotional support vehicle too.

She's 15, she should be having fun and messing about as she discovers what she wants in life. Not acting as someone with a lot of stuff going on's human shield.

It's mad that someone leapt on to proclaim that people encouraging a mother to be relaxed about her daughter dating a trans boy were transphobic!

If the op had posted that her daughter was dating a girl and everyone had replied that it's no big deal, just say whoever they date is fine as long as they're happy and not pressured to do anything they don't want to, would that have been homophobic?

I had a girlfriend at 14. She looked like a boy, my Mother thought she was a boy at first. It was quite a confusing time, I knew I was straight but she had male characteristics and I found her attractive (but I thought of her as a boy iykwim). It didn’t last very long, we remained friends afterwards.

Being a teenager is a weird time. I wouldn’t be concerned with this at all, I’m sure they won’t get married and live happily ever after. Teenage relationships are most often fleeting, it’ll be over soon.