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AIBU?

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Original poster

My DD's first boyfriend is transgender and I feel weird about it.

999 replies

Milicentbystander72 · 24/09/2019 08:25

I've always been a very liberal minded person. Supported gay rights all my life. My best friend and DN are gay. I support the rights of Trans people to live their life etc.

My dd15 has a nice group of friends (boys and girls). In that group is a Trans teen (Female to Male). He changed his name in Y8, He's totally accepted as Male at school. There are no issues. He looks completely Male and people who don't know him would never think that he'd been born female. He's a nice boy who is well liked. All good.

Except last night my DD told me she's going out with him. I've surprised myself that this has unnerved me.

My dd hasn't had a BF before. She's only ever snogged one boy before at a party. She says she's 100% straight. She says she fancies the cool older boys in Sixth Form. Has teenage celebrity crushes on boys like Tom Holland etc. So how does this work for her?

Last night I told her all was fine and just to be careful they didn't damage a friendship if they broke up etc, but I didn't make a big deal of it.

Would you find this weird if your dc said they were straight? Please be honest. I'm kind of hoping it fizzles out without any drama.

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 24/09/2019 09:19

but people CAN change gender and present however they want

People can present however they want without buying into the stereotypes that underpin gender bullshit.

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 24/09/2019 09:19

Just let them be.

violetswordfish · 24/09/2019 09:20

I don't think teenagers are attracted to people based on their genitals. I'm straight and only attracted to men, but I'm not massively fussed about penises. In fact, I've fancied many men without ever seeing their genitals, as I'm sure most straight women have. If you're attracted to someone that looks/sounds/smells male, then that attraction hits you whatever they have under their pants.

I'm another who believes that you can't change biological sex. But it's clearly the case that we can be attracted to people who fit our definition of the sex that we're attracted to,even if they aren't actually that sex. In animals, if you take a fake mate and make it look and smell like the opposite sex then they display signs of courtship.

woodchuck99 · 24/09/2019 09:23

I don't think teenagers are attracted to people based on their genitals. I'm straight and only attracted to men, but I'm not massively fussed about penises. In fact, I've fancied many men without ever seeing their genitals, as I'm sure most straight women have. If you're attracted to someone that looks/sounds/smells male, then that attraction hits you whatever they have under their pants.

Very true. Those who think OP's DD isn't totally heterosexual because she is in a relationship with someone with a vagina are being ridiculous.

FindusCrispyPancakes · 24/09/2019 09:23

Well it isn’t going to last now is it, she’s dating a girl and isn’t gay. It’ll run it’s course and in the mean time you can scrub worries about teenage pregnancy off your list. How many people do you know who are still with their high school boyfriend/girlfriend? I can think of 2 out of everyone I’ve ever known. I’d just let her get on with it, she’ll work out that the gf is lacking in something in a year or 2, if it hasn’t already fizzled by then.

FamilyOfAliens · 24/09/2019 09:24

I don't think teenagers are attracted to people based on their genitals.

I definitely think that’s what they’re being told, and that if you do have a preference, you’re a genital fetishist. So I wouldn’t be surprised if, say, a girl who is not attracted to someone with a vagina would feel under pressure not to express that view.

CassianAndor · 24/09/2019 09:24

Basecamp65 the thing is, forcing other people to accept you as the sex you are not is a very controlling thing to do. Very. And should the relationship progress and the OP's DD decide that no, actually, she isn't attracted to female bodies, then things might get very unpleasant indeed for her and, like on this thread, she'll get called a transphobe etc.

Oakmaiden · 24/09/2019 09:25

I know a woman who is married to a trans man and they have 4 kids together (conceived with a donor) and she considers herself to be straight.

And this is a lovely example of how the labels don't matter, you can call yourself what you want and live how you want and it really doesn't matter.

I am aware there are issues regarding infringement and erosion of women's rights and occasionally safety, but on a personal level I think a world where we can all just get on with living as we see fit, without worrying about which box we fit into, would be amazing.

CassianAndor · 24/09/2019 09:26

I also think there is a big difference between a girl experimenting with her sexuality and a girl busy lying to herself and the rest of the world about her sex.

WonderWomansSpin · 24/09/2019 09:26

I'd be a bit wary of the potential emotional labour involved and any backlash/teasing from others about her sexuality.

CassianAndor · 24/09/2019 09:27

This reply has been deleted

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Endofthedays · 24/09/2019 09:27

Of course teenagers like genitals!

They spend more time with genitals than anyone else.

CaptainObviousTwo · 24/09/2019 09:29

I don't think teenagers are attracted to people based on their genitals. I'm straight and only attracted to men, but I'm not massively fussed about penises. In fact, I've fancied many men without ever seeing their genitals

All true up until the point when the relationship becomes sexual. Genitals are the main players in sex. If you then are in a sexual relationship with some one with the same sexual organs, that is a homosexual relationship (literal "same" sexual).

There's nothing wrong with that of course, and it's not transphobic to recognise it.

bobstersmum · 24/09/2019 09:29

The world has actually gone bonkers.

FamilyOfAliens · 24/09/2019 09:30

I know a woman who is married to a trans man and they have 4 kids together (conceived with a donor) and she considers herself to be straight.

And this is a lovely example of how the labels don't matter, you can call yourself what you want and live how you want and it really doesn't matter.

And yet her partner has adopted the label “transman” and she has adopted the label “straight”. Why would they need those labels, do you think?

Endofthedays · 24/09/2019 09:32

This isn’t true for many people. I know it is not the point of the thread, but many straight women do really like penises. It is fine if you don’t, but it is a classic bit of sexism to suggest normal women don’t really like male genitals.

Endofthedays · 24/09/2019 09:34

Sorry, my post was to CaptainObvious and the poster she was quoting.

FamilyOfAliens · 24/09/2019 09:34

And I think it’s fair to say that straight men aren’t sexually attracted to other men’s penises.

TatianaLarina · 24/09/2019 09:34

Very true. Those who think OP's DD isn't totally heterosexual because she is in a relationship with someone with a vagina are being ridiculous.

Sorry, what?

There’s a peculiar subtext in this thread of ‘don’t worry OP DD is straight’.

She may be straight, she may be bi, she may just be in a phase of experimenting with a trans person. All of this is fine.

Butteflyone1 · 24/09/2019 09:35

I don't think you ABU. It's a complete mindful these days. My nephew changes his sexuality what feels like weekly, latest is pansexual. Every time I see his posts I have to google what it means (and even then I'm still confused).

I get very confused at how your DD can think she is straight when in affect she is dating a girl. Regardless how someone 'identifies' this boy actually has female bits and if they start explore sexually it will be female to female.

Either way though I think you've done the right thing of supporting your DD and mentioning about the friendship. No doubt it'll fizz out in a few months and hopefully they can remain friends.

elliejjtiny · 24/09/2019 09:36

I think I would feel weird about it too. However at that age it's unlikely to be an adult kind of relationship and it won't necessarily matter whether he has male or female sexual organs. When I was 15 I had a boyfriend who turned out to be gay. We had a very lovely and innocent relationship for 3 months where physically we got no further than hand holding and hugging. He used to buy me opal fruits and he took me to the cinema to see titanic. I expect your dd's relationship will be similar.

FamilyOfAliens · 24/09/2019 09:37

However at that age it's unlikely to be an adult kind of relationship

Most 15-year-olds are experimenting with sex.

FindusCrispyPancakes · 24/09/2019 09:38

This thread is funny. A friend of mine left her husband for a woman recently, she’s totally straight according to this thread, her gf just happens to have a vagina.

Endofthedays · 24/09/2019 09:41

Ellie, why did you have a boyfriend for three months and never try to kiss him?

SarahTancredi · 24/09/2019 09:42

I think the only things I would worry about would be things I would worry about for both of them.

One- that they end up at one of those LGBT groups where it's basically older male bodied people and young impressionable teens who are basically used for manipulation and validation. There is a transman ( or detransistioned transman apologies I csnt remember exactly ) whi describes just that. The support group being taken over by older people who spoke about sex alot.

Two- which follows on from.one. that they are both pressured into going further than comfortable because otherwise they feel transphobic.

I guess I would worry about the mental health too. And keeping an eye on your dd that they arent too needy and bringing her down.

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