To keep on punishing my 5 year old for being silly at school

[Sunlight82]

I am an ex primary school teacher, now university in lecturer. I thought I would have this while parenting lark sewn up but I have come to the realisation that I don’t and am really floundering at the moment.

I have a 7 year old DD who is that perfect child at school - good at everything, never been in any trouble, chosen for everything, very mature etc. So I have never faced this situation before.

I also have a 5 year old DS. He is an absolutely lovely little boy in many ways. He is funny, has a great sense of humour, clever, thirsty for knowledge, kind and knows so much about the world. However, he is constantly getting into trouble at school for his silliness.

He lost so many sanctions in Reception for things like running down corridors, spinning in Hymn practice, gambolling in the middle of assembly, playing rough with the boys at playtime. Nothing malicious, all just over the top and silly.

At home he is loving, funny, gets in well with his sister. They never fight and he can play for hours with his lego without a murmur. He can sit down when I ask to practice handwriting etc. And does it beautifully.

We had big talks about it over the summer. Practiced keeping calm and not getting over excited and how he had to try really hard in Year 1.

Well things are exactly the same if not worse. We have now been summoned to see the class teacher tomorrow as he lost 10 sanctions last week. Some seem quite harsh (picking his nose) and others justified (accidentally kicking a girl up the bottom whilst pretending to be a bucking bronco).

We have been punishing him at home for losing sanction but at this point he has lost everything - no TV, no toys, dinner on his own each night, straight to bed at 6, no treats, nothing. He has nothing left to lose. We never shout and in desperation we shouted at him over the weekend. He cried himself to sleep curled up in a tiny ball. When he woke up he came into me and said ‘I’m so sorry mummy. I try to be good for you but my body just does things and I can’t stop.’

He went to school today trying so hard to be good and ended up losing another sanction. He was devastated when I picked him up and kept apologising. I really don’t know what to do. I feel so sad for him. He is not ready for the formality of school. He is still so lively and silly and immature in many ways. I have cried buckets for days as I feel like I am breaking his little spirit and I hate myself for it. But equally I don’t want him marked as the naughty boy at school who has a difficult life there and never gets chosen for anything.

In desperation I have considered home schooling him and asked him if he would prefer that tonight. But he said he loves school and would miss playing with his friends.

His dad and I have no idea what we should be doing in this situation. Please help.

*Tomorrow morning take a pen and draw a smiling face or a heart or a star on his hand.

Tell him that whenever he sees it to remember how much you love him.

Kiss him

Kiss the picture

Send him to school with a reminder of mummy*

Such a lovely suggestion @SpaceDinosaur

The school sounds awful, those punishments are way over the top for a 5 year old

What on earth are you thinking punishing him too . Carry on and you and the school will probably knock any confidence and happiness the boy has out of him

@Namenic he's 5 not 12. If he was 12 the responses would be different

Is your situation in the UK Op? Because I agree with @chickenyhead and I can't see how a UK teacher in state or private sector would pursue your son like this rather than consider other solutions to this behaviour.

I’m a teacher and any school that punishes and shakes a 5 year old for acting like a 5 year old is awful. The school is the problem. Your son sounds lovrly!

*shames

Google Maggie Dent. I have found her advice good for parenting boys. He isn't being naughty.

I have a very similar 5 year old OP. He's literally a whirlwind.

What helps my boy at school is lots of activities outside school. We go kayaking a couple of times a week, which is very social. We have a huge allotment and ponies. We go to the nature reserve, walking etcetera.

Sign him up for anything you can after school. Something structured and organised and with other dcs.

@nameiac

My 12 year old also isn’t punished at home. We might talk about how he can do it differently however I equally don’t expect school to punish him for things he did at home. I do tell him though I support what the school the school response.

I think you need to consider how much of your actions are about you and your embarrassment that you have a son who is challenging at school, and what you had formerly assumed about the parenting skills of people whose children behaved like your son. Think of this as a learning opportunity.

By all means tell your son you agree with his teacher he needs to be calmer and not hurt anyone even by accident, but 5 is too young for punishments hours after the event. Poor lamb. He probably needs more sleep as well - 5 is so little and they’re all knackered as the nights draw in.

I know other posters have asked but is this a state school in the UK OP? If not, whereabouts are you/what kind of school is it? It just doesn’t sound like the approach you’d expect a primary school to take with such a small child. I’ve also never heard the expression ‘losing sanctions’ before (it doesn’t really make sense because sanctions are punishments, so if anything he’s gaining sanctions).

I’m not lax but all the bad behaviour you’ve described sounds pretty minor and normal really! Also I usually hate the expression ‘boys will be boys’ (when it’s used to excuse terrible behaviour in grown men) but it does seem apt here. He’s a 5 year old boy at school for the first time with all his little friends. It’s so exciting, of course he gets overexcited occasionally. If this is the school’s approach I’d be utterly amazed if he were the only child ‘losing sanctions’ in this way!

Your son sounds lovely, not an ounce of spite in him. I'd question the school's reactions to what sounds like normal, slightly emotionally immature behaviour. Punished for nose picking aged 5?

He needs a big cuddle at home and you need to speak to the school.

OP you have described my son exactly-
Bright, kind, funny, big personality, but just silly in class. We also struggled hard in reception and year 1 and dealt with near constant sanctions (they have a traffic light system and he was always on red/Amber for fidgeting/spinning/moving around). He has just started in year 2 and we have finally turned a corner- hasn’t been off the green light once this year and his now channeling his enthusiasm into his classes. So hopefully there’s light at the end of the tunnel for you too!

We would talk about why he had been punished each time, helped him to understand the system better, and never criticised the school(even when we thought they were wrong- we didn’t want to confuse him with contradictory authority figures) but we also didn’t punish him at home. He was already sad that he had disappointed us and had been punished at school.

We signed him up for swimming and trampoline classes to run off some energy and took him to the park/garden/softplay after school on non-activity days to run around. In the warmer months we even took him to the park for 15 minutes on the way to school. It definitely helped. He’s just a little boy with a bundle of energy and school wasn’t giving him the space he needed to run that energy off.

Sorry for the essay. But please enjoy your little boy for who he is: if he’s anything like my son he is disappointed in himself but can’t control what he’s doing yet, and needs your love and support now more than ever

Good gracious, you don’t punish a child who already has been punished!
He’s 5. You sound rather cruel.
Try a new tack, be loving. He must be utterly miserable

(accidentally kicking a girl up the bottom whilst pretending to be a bucking bronco).

This is the point I fell in love with your son.

I think this might be '2nd child syndrome', the school know your dd and are measuring your dds against her rather than as an individual.

My older brother was the funny chatty one, fortunately due to moving house and attending single sex high schools we were not in the same school from me being 9.

Stop punishing him at home and talk to the school, is he really that bad? How does he compare to his classmates?

Workon one thing at a time, so sitting still in assembly, and when he has achieved that thing reward him, it doesn't need to be a big prise, just a hug and telling him how proud you are of him.

Have you read the Harry Potter books? Your children remind me of Hedwig and Pigwigeon.

The punishments at home sound over the top - we punish hurting others (kicking the girl), but even that not as severly as you do ( he gets a short lecture about being careful)
otherwise, mine need exercise, and loads of it. at least 2 hours per day. thankfully our school does loads of pe, but we also do parkrun, biking, scootering, swimming, judo, tennis, rugby, .... you get the picture.

Is he naughtier at school than you make him sound? Kicking a girl in the bottom isn't funny. Hopefully you can work with the teachers to help him.

Why is everyone blaming the school??

(all tge people saying its school fault - kicking others isn’t ok. i’m sure the little girl who got kicked doesn’t find it endearing). the sanctions at home are still very, very harsh

(accidentally kicking a girl up the bottom whilst pretending to be a bucking bronco).

This is the point I fell in love with your son.

Me too! Reading the op I get cross that our schooling system is forcing so much on our little people at such an early age and he should be allowed to just be little!

However in five minutes when my equally excitable and loveably mischievous small person gets up, I'll be tearing my hair out and trying to get him to conform to mine and then schools rules! I'm going to remember falling in love with your little man and hopefully cut my own some slack!! Hopefully!!

Yeah I mean look, kids will be kids but there’s some behaviour that isn’t acceptable and that would most definitely include kicking another child. Would you all find it half as funny if it was your child that got a kick up the arse? I doubt it.

I think in other instances, pick your battles. The school should trying to be encouraging good behaviour, praising him when he does something good if they’re going to come down so heavy on him for being naughty.

I don’t think he should be punished at all when he comes home, in instances where he’s been really naughty (kicking another child) id probably sit him down and give him a stern talking to, but he’s been punished in school and that’s enough. He’s 5. Home is his safe space. Don’t take that from him. Let him have his comforts and to eat dinner with his family.

Bless him, he’s trying so hard to be ‘good’. My 5yr old DS has just started so is in reception, he got a timeout or something similar for playing too roughly with another boy, fully supported the school in that, but no way did I punish at home just had a chat about walking away of others were playing silly games and gave him a big hug. Please don’t double punish him, he’s already been told off/punished.

I wouldn't be punishing at home for behaviour at school at that age. Talk through what has happened when he is sanctioned at school and how he feels and try and help him identify what is making him behave this way ( though it just sounds like a five year old to me and that the school is very harsh)

Reward the good days and support him on the 'bad' ones. My DS is the same age and struggles not to shout out as he is so keen to share the answer his ideas. His school doesn't punish this they talk to him about it and remind him how he should be behaving - he has been much better with it this year. I'd be considering if the school is the right one for him if they sanctioned a five year old for being impulsive.

Would you all find it half as funny if it was your child that got a kick up the arse? I doubt it.

Well actually we had almost this last term and while we didn’t find it funny it was no big deal. DD2 (6) came home with an egg on her forehead, when I asked what had happened she said her friend B had been playing and hadn’t realised he would hurt her. She stressed that he wasn’t being naughty, he’d just been over-excited. That was that really. The school had dealt with it as it happened.

Stop punishing him. He is 5! So much of that behaviour is completely normal - it is schools and your expectations of behaviour that are the problem. Read up about brain development. At 5 he still has an immature pre frontal cortex - the part of the brain responsible for things like impulse control and decision making. All you will do with the punishing is damage his self esteem and damage your relationship with him. Instead, try to support him by helping him to develop his decision making skills, understanding of consequences (through discussion, stories and practicing things - not punishment) and impulse control. Help him don't punish. And adjust your expectations!