To keep on punishing my 5 year old for being silly at school

[Sunlight82]

I am an ex primary school teacher, now university in lecturer. I thought I would have this while parenting lark sewn up but I have come to the realisation that I don’t and am really floundering at the moment.

I have a 7 year old DD who is that perfect child at school - good at everything, never been in any trouble, chosen for everything, very mature etc. So I have never faced this situation before.

I also have a 5 year old DS. He is an absolutely lovely little boy in many ways. He is funny, has a great sense of humour, clever, thirsty for knowledge, kind and knows so much about the world. However, he is constantly getting into trouble at school for his silliness.

He lost so many sanctions in Reception for things like running down corridors, spinning in Hymn practice, gambolling in the middle of assembly, playing rough with the boys at playtime. Nothing malicious, all just over the top and silly.

At home he is loving, funny, gets in well with his sister. They never fight and he can play for hours with his lego without a murmur. He can sit down when I ask to practice handwriting etc. And does it beautifully.

We had big talks about it over the summer. Practiced keeping calm and not getting over excited and how he had to try really hard in Year 1.

Well things are exactly the same if not worse. We have now been summoned to see the class teacher tomorrow as he lost 10 sanctions last week. Some seem quite harsh (picking his nose) and others justified (accidentally kicking a girl up the bottom whilst pretending to be a bucking bronco).

We have been punishing him at home for losing sanction but at this point he has lost everything - no TV, no toys, dinner on his own each night, straight to bed at 6, no treats, nothing. He has nothing left to lose. We never shout and in desperation we shouted at him over the weekend. He cried himself to sleep curled up in a tiny ball. When he woke up he came into me and said ‘I’m so sorry mummy. I try to be good for you but my body just does things and I can’t stop.’

He went to school today trying so hard to be good and ended up losing another sanction. He was devastated when I picked him up and kept apologising. I really don’t know what to do. I feel so sad for him. He is not ready for the formality of school. He is still so lively and silly and immature in many ways. I have cried buckets for days as I feel like I am breaking his little spirit and I hate myself for it. But equally I don’t want him marked as the naughty boy at school who has a difficult life there and never gets chosen for anything.

In desperation I have considered home schooling him and asked him if he would prefer that tonight. But he said he loves school and would miss playing with his friends.

His dad and I have no idea what we should be doing in this situation. Please help.

I had a very similar situation with my ds at that age (we still have the odd issues now and he's 9). It was silly behaviour, singing to himself in class, pretending he was spider man etc etc. I had a meeting with teacher and deputy head and they said he was a very clever boy but wasn't concentrating. In the end we agreed he was bored and needed challenging so they gave him extra challenges and after a couple of weeks things really started to take a turn for the better. You mentioned your ds has a thirst for knowledge, do you think something more challenging that he has to think about would help. Hope you sort something out, I regularly sobbed at night for my ds.

Making him eat alone is way too harsh. Poor kid.

I really don’t like the sound of that school. It’s all very negative and sanctioning a 5 year old, what a heap of poop! He’s 5, poor little guy is trying his best and not getting any recognition for that. I would be looking for a different school with an ethos of learning through play and celebrating little people. I don’t disagree with children needing guidance and being reminded to make good choices but what you’ve described sounds positively Victorian.
If you truly must stay at that school at the very least stop punishing him at home for all the petty nonsense that school seems to think important.
I wish you both all the best but quite frankly if that’s a UK school I’m horrified that they are using such outdated method behaviour management..,

You don’t need to homeschool him. Just stop with the draconian punishment at home. Keep supporting him to do better. Try to build him up a bit. I can’t believe you make 5yo eat alone or let him cry himself to sleep. That is not ok at all. That is really unkind.
And teaching him that he’s naughty is not going to help him behave better but will damage his sense of self. He sounds like he has poor self control. I’d focus on that but assume he’ll mostly grow out of it if you can keep him engaged.

YABU

He’s been punished once at school.

I suspect the fact you’re a teacher is why you’re being far far too harsh. I’d be speaking to the teacher to check WTF is going on as it sounds way over the top.

Hi op
I feel for you all,but when I read of all the sanctions and punishments my heart sank.the worst was to make him eat alone.that is very cruel.ostracized by his whole family?what on earth are you thinking?
Please stop that immediately.
He knows his behaviour is wrong and tried to behave but is just too young.
Seem professional help and in the meantime quit all this punishment!!

He's been punished already at school, certainly no need for a second punishment at home.

Also the school sounds awful. He's only five, for heaven's sake. Don't they have outdoor time/exercise built into the day to let them run off steam? And what happened to letting them learn through play?

About the only positive in your OP is that he loves his school friends. Poor wee lad.

I've just re-read the op, it's awful. After a shit day at school getting 'in trouble', he comes home, no toys, no tv, eats on his own and bed at 6. Jesus that sweet little boy. You're right op, his little spirit will be broken, what sort of a life has he got at the moment?

This needs to be sorted and you can start now at home.

Yes to rewarding the positive. Ask the teacher to ensure they catch him doing something good each day that he can share with you.
Sounds like it has got into a negative cycle- he believes he can’t/ is the ‘naughty’ one, so he behaved that way- it’s a self fulfilling prophecy.
Do everything you can re: healthy breakfast, time before school to burn energy, good sleep. Evenings / weekends doing positive self esteem building- whatever floats his boat.
Talk seriously with school about effects on him. They need to help him. No missing playtime as punishment- he’ll only be more restless.
Something to praise him for within 5mins if entering classroom.
Is it assembly type sessions/ whole class carpet time that is trickiest? Go for last 10 mins of assembly, spend first part doing a job for teacher- preferably physical (move books from one room to another, etc) then he can join peers for length of time he can manage- then bingo! Reward point for staying to end of assembly- see you can do it!!
Carpet time- does he have own space? Clearly defined? Something to hold and keep hands busy?
Hug him tight, you will help him get through it.

This makes me so sad.

He is 5!!!!

So little. And just learning. The school sounds way WAY too harsh. I wouldn’t want my child at a school like that. And you need to completely stop punishing him at home. That’s just horrendous, sorry. Poor little boy!

Hi,
How is the Year 1 set up? Is it straight into formal learning or is it set up with some continuous provision.? Have you tried positive reinforcement? Stickers for when he is well behaved, and work to a reward when he gets so many. I did marbles in a jar with my DD for doing reading, homework in Year 1. When the jar was full she chose a small treat. She hated reading literally ran away screaming. No drama if she didn't do it just more in it for her if she did. Ask the teacher what her behaviour support plan is? Also if he is really struggling they could do look at some OT stuff that might help, wobble cushion and the like. Hope that helps xx

As other PP have said, school is handling this their way and you don't need to heap more punishments on top. Let home be his sanctuary.

OP, you sound so lost. My heart goes out to you. Your lovely wee boy is struggling with the structured environment and it might be worth having a proper talk with school about possible behavioural issues or sensory ones. Let him know you're on his side and you're looking for things to help him.

He's still so little.

In terms of what you can do - if he’s saying his body does things etc then it just sounds like general impulsiveness and I wonder if the school now have a set view on him.

I would seriously consider moving him unless it improves. Some teachers can and do treat some kids more harshly than others.

Please please please stop punishing him at home for things he's doing at school! It's so unfair and he'll probably feel as though he's failing everywhere he goes.

Poor little soul. You said yourself that he's desperately sorry and says he can't help himself.

He's 5 years old. He's still so small and with so high to still learn. The school clearly aren't coping with his minor behaviours and instead of trying to work with him, they're just working against him. I'd struggle to send him in tbh let alone continue his punishments at home.

I'm so sorry if that sounds harsh but your post made me feel so sad.

Give him a break. It's hard enough having to go to school so young and follow all the rules. Sometimes kids are a bit silly. The school sounds a bit over the top with the discipline.
Lift all the punishments you have given him, stop punishing hi for silly things like picking his nose. He's 5 fgs.

I’d wonder about the school routine - it doesn’t sound a good fit for your ds at present. It sounds as though he’s trying to be good but the school is not supporting him with a routine that allows him to be.

You both need to stop punishing him at home and start digging into why the school think he’s getting so many sanctions and what their plan is to turn it around - as the sanctions clearly aren’t effective

I wouldn’t punish him at home for being sanctioned at school. He is being a normal 5 year old and it’s incredibly sad that children are expected to behave like robots at such a young age.

Young children need to move and play, it’s vital for building their fine and gross motor skills as well as integrating their sensory systems. It sounds as though he is seeking vestibular and proprioceptive sensory input (which all children do to different extents). Some more progressive schools have started to recognise that children need movement in order to concentrate and learn and they have equipment such as wobble cushions and Swiss balls for seating and incorporate lots of movement breaks and heavy muscle work to provide this.

I’m an occupational therapist and there is a wide evidence base on this. Spinning, running and rough play are typical for his developmental stage and should be encouraged. Could you incorporate more of this into his day outside school? Stopping at the park on the walk to school, soft play or trampolining after school? I would challenge the school on their approach as they seem very heavy handed. Please don’t punish him at home, he’s not doing anything wrong and it will give him a poor self image. You sound like a lovely parent who wants the best for him- good luck.

That all sounds quite cruel. Sorry to pile on, I just don't get why on Earth you'd be punishing him at home too. He sounds carefree. God knows in this shitty world that being carefree doesn't last for long. Give him big hugs and embrace his silliness.

Don't sanction at home.
Discuss with the school positive behaviour rewards such as a sticker after every 30 mins of staying on task.
Lots of rewards/praise if he collects lots of stickers in a day.
TA to take him out into a corridor after 2 warnings to avoid getting to the 'sanction'. e.g. to run a task for which he can then be praised.

My son was as daft as a brush when he was small, no malice but just silly, lively and sometimes noisy. They outgrow it, op. Try not to think about it too much. I'm sure your son is delightful.

The school sounds awful, I'd be in the school asking for an explanation on why they are being so unkind to a 5yo.

Your poor ds, you should be backing him up not kicking him further down.

A sanction for picking his nose?! Ffs.

I'm an ex primary teacher. What works is rewarding good behaviour & having incentives, & goals to aim for. So every time he goes a day with no silliness, a sticker on his reward chart . 5 stickers means a treat at the weekend of something he really values. Ignore bad behaviour, it's often an attention thing at that age. IME, they see being class clown as positive attention from their peer group.

no TV, no toys, dinner on his own each night, straight to bed at 6, no treats, nothing. He has nothing left to lose

Just say this out loud to yourself, OP. Does this really sound like a proportionate reaction to quite minor behaviour issues that are already being dealt with at school?

Your poor DS. He is only 5 and the very formal school environment you describe doesn’t suit him the way it clearly suits your DD. Try to work with the school to meet his needs more effectively (or perhaps look for a more suitable school).

The sanctions seem over the top. It's not fair on your little boy if he's just not ready for a long day in school. I wonder how long the hymn sessions are for? Although the bucking bronco comment did make me laugh

It's such a shock for them when they go into year 1. Where they are expected to be at the end is so far away from when they start.

Is your DS summer born as well OP?

I think I would be going into the school and saying look the sanctions clearly aren't working, what else can we try. Make it clear you are willing to work with them but there has to be some flexibility. He can't be the first impulsive little boy they have had!!!