To keep on punishing my 5 year old for being silly at school

[Sunlight82]

I am an ex primary school teacher, now university in lecturer. I thought I would have this while parenting lark sewn up but I have come to the realisation that I don’t and am really floundering at the moment.

I have a 7 year old DD who is that perfect child at school - good at everything, never been in any trouble, chosen for everything, very mature etc. So I have never faced this situation before.

I also have a 5 year old DS. He is an absolutely lovely little boy in many ways. He is funny, has a great sense of humour, clever, thirsty for knowledge, kind and knows so much about the world. However, he is constantly getting into trouble at school for his silliness.

He lost so many sanctions in Reception for things like running down corridors, spinning in Hymn practice, gambolling in the middle of assembly, playing rough with the boys at playtime. Nothing malicious, all just over the top and silly.

At home he is loving, funny, gets in well with his sister. They never fight and he can play for hours with his lego without a murmur. He can sit down when I ask to practice handwriting etc. And does it beautifully.

We had big talks about it over the summer. Practiced keeping calm and not getting over excited and how he had to try really hard in Year 1.

Well things are exactly the same if not worse. We have now been summoned to see the class teacher tomorrow as he lost 10 sanctions last week. Some seem quite harsh (picking his nose) and others justified (accidentally kicking a girl up the bottom whilst pretending to be a bucking bronco).

We have been punishing him at home for losing sanction but at this point he has lost everything - no TV, no toys, dinner on his own each night, straight to bed at 6, no treats, nothing. He has nothing left to lose. We never shout and in desperation we shouted at him over the weekend. He cried himself to sleep curled up in a tiny ball. When he woke up he came into me and said ‘I’m so sorry mummy. I try to be good for you but my body just does things and I can’t stop.’

He went to school today trying so hard to be good and ended up losing another sanction. He was devastated when I picked him up and kept apologising. I really don’t know what to do. I feel so sad for him. He is not ready for the formality of school. He is still so lively and silly and immature in many ways. I have cried buckets for days as I feel like I am breaking his little spirit and I hate myself for it. But equally I don’t want him marked as the naughty boy at school who has a difficult life there and never gets chosen for anything.

In desperation I have considered home schooling him and asked him if he would prefer that tonight. But he said he loves school and would miss playing with his friends.

His dad and I have no idea what we should be doing in this situation. Please help.

If you keep on this way you most certainly will break his spirit, if you haven't done so already.

STOP punishing him at home for alleged misdemeanours he has already been punished for in school.

Dinner on his own each night, bed at 6pm, no toys, no tv? What has this child got to live for? The regime you've imposed on a FIVE YEAR OLD is tantamount to cruelty and is setting up your older dd to be the 'golden child' in his eyes.

Your specialism may be education but you need to get yourself on a parenting course to learn about children and how each of them are unique individuals who need nurturing and kindness to become all that they can be.

The school dont sound great to me-picking noses get a sanction bloody hell we're in trouble then
Dont be so hard on yourself just tell the school how u feel and its too much for him

@Sunlight82 I've read most posts but not all. I can totally understand how you're feeling in that I work in a school (specialist school for children with autism) and never expected to struggle with my own child's behaviour. But it's completely different!

I agree with others that you shouldn't punish at home for school behaviour, but you already know that. My little boy has also just started school. It's mostly been going well but he's had the odd bad day. He's been referred for formal assessment for autism. That's not a surprise. But the school have been fab. I chose a school for him very carefully. He has so much character and I wanted somewhere that wouldn't diminish this. Going by the experience of my friends, and my own impressions from visits, I chose somewhere that I thought would encourage his individuality and creativity. So far, I think I've made the right choice. The school your son is at sounds very authoritarian. I think my son would struggle there too.

Good luck with whatever you decide is right for your boy.

Your poor baby. You've been unbelievably cruel to him. I can't understand how both parents thought it was acceptable to treat a child like that! Stop bullying him and go and tell the teacher to get a grip.

Ah bless you both. He sounds like he has a great personality and zest for life, and it doesn't sound like the school he's at is the best way to nurture it. He's so little and learning his place in the world. A sanction for picking his nose?! I'd bet some of the teachers would have racked up more than a few of those in their time...

I would punish my child for serious stuff like hurting someone (not accidentally bumping into people sort of incident) and express verbal displeasure that he was too chatty or whatever but I'd not punish the low level stuff. It is annoying for the teachers and classmates but he won't be the only one like this.

What do the sanctions actually do? Are they just a box-ticking exercise? I'd be tempted to tell him not to worry about them and if there's ever anything that does need your input, such as if he hurts another child or something, then you can follow that up and just ignore all the rest of them for now. Tell him that they stay at school and he will learn in time so not to be sad about it and to just go and do his best and enjoy himself.

But it honestly sounds like a bad fit for him.

Posted before seeing your update.

You and your h should feel ashamed and you now need to work together to rectify the damage that's already been done to your little boy.

As for 'supporting' his school, its ethos seems to date from the age of the Dickensian workhouse and I'd like to see it burn down set about dragging it kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

I'm actually horrified by how you treat your child and what a crap school you've chosen. You should be ashamed! If this is even real? None of the things you've mentioned are worth punishing, which by the way is a completely counter productive way of trying to correct behavior. I'm glad my 5yo son goes to a school which embraces children and has a strong ethos of nurturing and rewards.
Get you and your husband on a parenting course right now.

Yes, what's the name of the Head at this school - 'Miss Trunchbull'!

OP I know you’ve got the message now, but those punishments are AWFUL. dreadful. I can’t think when they’d be appropriate. Eating on his own and going to bed at 6pm - it sounds like total isolation from his family. It sounds like you’re withholding love, and for what? Exuberance? Please don’t ever use those punishments again, no matter what he’s done.

God I wish this country could take a few tips from places like Denmark and Finland. Our children are expected to grow up so fast. Your ds is not immature OP, he's 5, just a little boy.

He sounds like a lovely little boy with a fun loving nature .
FGS stop punishing him for what amounts to nothing ... poor child ...
school are too harsh but you are worse !
Take a step back and think about this dreadful over reaction from school and yourself ..

Don’t compare him to his sister ... I suspect you had it so easy with her that his silly behaviour seems worse ...

Honestly cut him and yourself a huge break and chill out and enjoy this stage when he is free spirited and let him enjoy life ...

Op, parenting is shit a times, the worries simply change as our children grow, they never go away for most of us.

A pp mentioned dyspraxia and sensory issues, these are common and may be worth looking into at some point. My son was 'fidgety' at 4/5 then diagnosed at around 8 years old.

I have to agree with Smelborp, I can't think of anytime when eating alone and going to bed at 6pm and not being allowed to play would be reasonable punishments for a 5 year old child. There is nothing my child could do that would equate to them being excluded from the family like that.

This is one of the saddest threads I've read on MN and I've been on here for some time.

This poor little boy just starting out on his life of schooling finding it hard to control himself, do what the school requires, finds himself being punished time after time by these unyielding adults.

Instead of trying to work with him and change his behaviour, the school seem to be taking the easy way out and use sanctions to punish him.

He then comes home, where the people who should provide him with a safe haven and a secure place are punishing him once again.

He must feel he has no one and nowhere to turn.

I thought that modern schools aimed to nurture and develop children not break them.

You say he loves school.

Well, if you and the school continue to punish him enough he'll soon learn not to love it.

How much exercise is he getting? My son is 5 and high energy, and he goes to football twice a week, swimming once a week, and he and his brother have friends over to play the other days. I’d say my son gets a solid three hours of exercise per day, between home and recess at school, and it definitely helps him with the long periods of sitting.

Also—bit different as we are in the US—but the teachers here incorporate movement breaks for children who have a special needs diagnosis, or are otherwise high energy, which may be some jumping jacks or walking up a flight of stairs, or in children who have a diagnosis, they’ll use more specialist o/t equipment. It isn’t disruptive to the other children. Maybe your teacher could incorporate something similar?

I feel the thread is derailing. OP already feels shit and has acknowledged the support yet people continue to batter her. She's already appreciated the advice and looking to do the best for her son with it.

She already feels shit enough without twits on here continuing to tell her she's shit.

OP, please keep us updated on your sons progress. Things will be ok 💐 x

Yes he probably needs a good 2 hours of exercise a day.

My DS13 was a little pickle from reception to year 5. He was very lively and was always doing something that the others, I was told, didn't do. But we never sanctioned at home as he had already been dealt with him school for it

He's a happy 13 year old now, but still gets the odd bad mark for being chatty. Chip off the old block unfortunately. I eventually learned to tow the line and expect he will

I think you’ll now need to throw the guilt away and get on with setting clear but reasonable rules and focussing on reward. You can reward yourself too when you reward him. It’s cyclical- as I suspect you know. A guilt ridden parent over indulging a child they’ve been a bit hard on probably isn’t going to do much good either.
Kind loving parents who recognise the unique joy their child brings to the world and tell the teacher she needs to go and read Bandura and understand that her modelling of constant criticism will have a significant detrimental influence on his development and behaviour. If she can’t adapt to a more positive approach you may need to speak to the head.
Children usually want to be good. It is adults that put barriers in the way by setting unrealistic expectations and making rules that sanctions are based on covert rather than explicit.

Don't break his spirit, give it direction. Swimming, romping in the woods, cubs etc show him support not more sanctions at home.
School needs to channel all that energy in constructive ways. Give him jobs, forest school, class runner handing out books, etc. Start the day with exercises to settle them down, some kids need to expel energy before doing focussed work. It sounds like they need to stop teying to pigeonhole and treat the kids as individuals.

Sanctions, sounds like a sh*t school. I’m glad you feel ashamed, I’ve read a lot of MN posts but this really broke my heart

Well done OP for hearing the feedback. Don't beat yourself up - it's easy to be thrown by criticism from others about our children. And do stand back and take a look at that teacher. It may be that your son is out of control?? But more likely that this is an adult who is failing to work effectively with him. And that needs to change.
Good luck with what happens next.

Have a look at what physical exercise is built into his morning routine. Does he walk to school, or can you walk some of the way or you stop off at a play park so he has a chance to use up some of his energy in a more appropriate way.

Ask to meet with the Senco as well as the class teacher, and find out what strategies they plan to put in place to support him. If they don't don't have any strategies to offer (they should be talking about movement breaks, Sensory Circuit or a whole class movement programme), ask the Senco to refer him to the occupational therapist for advice.

If you get nowhere, if it's an option I'd consider moving schools to one with a strong SEN inclusion ethos.