To keep on punishing my 5 year old for being silly at school

[Sunlight82]

I am an ex primary school teacher, now university in lecturer. I thought I would have this while parenting lark sewn up but I have come to the realisation that I don’t and am really floundering at the moment.

I have a 7 year old DD who is that perfect child at school - good at everything, never been in any trouble, chosen for everything, very mature etc. So I have never faced this situation before.

I also have a 5 year old DS. He is an absolutely lovely little boy in many ways. He is funny, has a great sense of humour, clever, thirsty for knowledge, kind and knows so much about the world. However, he is constantly getting into trouble at school for his silliness.

He lost so many sanctions in Reception for things like running down corridors, spinning in Hymn practice, gambolling in the middle of assembly, playing rough with the boys at playtime. Nothing malicious, all just over the top and silly.

At home he is loving, funny, gets in well with his sister. They never fight and he can play for hours with his lego without a murmur. He can sit down when I ask to practice handwriting etc. And does it beautifully.

We had big talks about it over the summer. Practiced keeping calm and not getting over excited and how he had to try really hard in Year 1.

Well things are exactly the same if not worse. We have now been summoned to see the class teacher tomorrow as he lost 10 sanctions last week. Some seem quite harsh (picking his nose) and others justified (accidentally kicking a girl up the bottom whilst pretending to be a bucking bronco).

We have been punishing him at home for losing sanction but at this point he has lost everything - no TV, no toys, dinner on his own each night, straight to bed at 6, no treats, nothing. He has nothing left to lose. We never shout and in desperation we shouted at him over the weekend. He cried himself to sleep curled up in a tiny ball. When he woke up he came into me and said ‘I’m so sorry mummy. I try to be good for you but my body just does things and I can’t stop.’

He went to school today trying so hard to be good and ended up losing another sanction. He was devastated when I picked him up and kept apologising. I really don’t know what to do. I feel so sad for him. He is not ready for the formality of school. He is still so lively and silly and immature in many ways. I have cried buckets for days as I feel like I am breaking his little spirit and I hate myself for it. But equally I don’t want him marked as the naughty boy at school who has a difficult life there and never gets chosen for anything.

In desperation I have considered home schooling him and asked him if he would prefer that tonight. But he said he loves school and would miss playing with his friends.

His dad and I have no idea what we should be doing in this situation. Please help.

OP I hope you’re ok this morning and if you haven’t already it might be best to hide this thread. I think all that needs to be said has been said and you don’t need the virtual bashing from strangers along with what you are no doubt doing to yourself.

We all get it wrong sometimes. Take care of yourself and your lovely little boy.

Don’t punish him at home when it’s just low level silliness he is getting in trouble for at school. He is already being punished at school and he should be able be his usual lovely self at home without his behaviour from school hanging over him.

The school sounds awful, handing out sanctions for such minor things. It’s far too strict for such little ones. I feel so sorry for him. Where is the praise for the things he is doing well?!

No advice but just wanted to say your son sounds like a lovely little boy. If he gets over excited it's not the end of the world.

Omg leave the OP alone everyone! She's updated several times to say she's made a mistake and feels crap at the way she's been dealing with it! OP hope you're okay. Fresh start and new plan in place.

Just to add to my previous post - don't beat yourself up. I have made so many parenting mistakes it's crazy! The main thing is you live your son and want the best for him and are trying to get things right. He will know that and he will appreciate that.

Be kind to yourself OP

love??.. sorry I mean 'love' your son

Awh my Ds was like this. Constant notes & calls home for play acting (funnily enough it was with one particular teacher he had for 3 years) initially I was always on side of let's support the teacher but then when he moved class to another teacher there was barely ever a note & no calls! One thing the teacher did do was every hr or two she would let Ds out to run around the yard as he needed to let off steam. That helped:) He's 12 now & all fine!

WELL DONE OP.

None of us are perfect parents. You have realised you need to do things differently and that reflection shows how much you love your son.

I have to say it doesn’t sound a good fit with the school and you are probably going to have to move/ remove him if you can.

It sounds like he just needs a lot more movement during the school day.

Bouncing / bucking / twirling are all normal for sensory feedback.

My DD has a 'wobble cushion' which helps her to sit at a table, and we're looking into the stretchy kick bands for her chair to give her something to push against as she seems to need that. Plus she gets sensory breaks with the TA.

I thought DD's school was strict but yours seems way OTT. I understand the pressure to 'back up' the school too particularly if you used to teach, but I think you can back them up in a way that is less negative for your DS - and if they won't let you do that then I'd look at moving him.

Well I am glad you are not my DM .

Way OTT

So as not to be "told off" by thread police types I have since read your updates .
Good Call.

Sadly none of this (from the school) surprises me as my son's PRE-SCHOOL (so age group 2-3 generally) would haul me in to tell me he hadn't been listening, wouldn't get in line to come in after playing outside, making silly noises during story time (he got a time out for this) and was forced into the toilet to wash his hands when he refused, after snack time.

I suspect that they were flagging all this to me because they suspected an issue with my DS - he had apparently been very placid until age 3 when all this started.

Any chance you think your DS' school may suspect an issue with him? Regardless, they're not going about it the right way at all (and neither did my DS' pre school).

And you've already acknowledged that your punishments were too harsh, but I understand where you're coming from as when you're getting all this feedback, you feel under pressure to do something at home. I certainly did, and only now do I realise how unfair it was on my DS for putting him on the time out step for behaviour at pre school.

To the pp who asked about a 12 year old, yes my reaction would be different. I would possibly punish at home for deliberate bad behaviour, but I would also be working with the school and senco (if relevant) and my punishments would be more like natural consequences. So work done to a poor standard being done in their own time etc. I find with my ds12 that extra chores work quite well! I certainly wouldn’t go down the road OP has. I also don’t think that every wriggly 5 year old has adhd (my own ex wriggly 5 year old grew out of it in his own time, but even now as a student learns better when he’s fidgeting) but the bit in the OP about how he said he couldn’t control his body really jumped out at me.

Please don't punish the poor boy. Talk to the School again... I wonder if he is struggling to sit still then maybe a wobble cushion might help him....lots of children (usually with adhd) use them. Can the teacher sit him near her away from classmates so he can concentrate. Lastly his school seem to be going massively over the top! Xxx

Wow ! The school isn't Dotheboys Hall by any chance ? And Quilp the head ?
Your little boy sounds normal to me in every respect . Unfortunate that he accidentally kicked the little girl whilst being a bucking bronco but it was an accident not an on purpose . Surely a simple apology rather than a sanction would have been more appropriate .
The list of all his "crimes " don't add up to very much in the great scheme of things . Plus the spinning in Hymn practice made me smile . From what I recall of the Bible it pleased God when David danced for joy ! Bless him for spinning . Why on earth is all the reportage you are getting so negative . He must be doing lots right at school too.
You and your family sound like lovely people . Your own background in education must tell you that his school are being unfair to him.
You are trying your best . My heart goes out to you and him as you describe the weekend events .
Please make home a place where sanctions don't apply in the same draconian way as they do at school . You mean well but making him feel like a pariah isn't good for him or I deed the whole family . You will all be unhappy . Hope the meeting at school goes well - it should be positive and offer a plan for the future - not s litany of his misdemeanours .

Don’t know if you’re still here OP but I think kids need somewhere to let off steam and be a bit boisterous. It’s so hard to be ‘good’ all day at school. Given that you’re used to thinking as a teacher, is it possible you need to relax a bit at home with your Ds? He’s trying to be good all day at school and then also at home, maybe he’s prioritizing being good at home. Sometimes as parents we have to just put up with, or even encourage, some of the things that kids aren’t allowed to do at school. Especially if they’re energetic little lads like yours! Maybe you don’t need to practice handwriting for a while and just play chasing, or whatever.

Also would echo PPs that the school seems way over the top, even using the term sanction for a 5yo seems absurd. They should be much more creative, dramatic and engaging with children at such a critical developmental stage. I don’t think it should be necessary to go to a forest school or homeschool.