To keep on punishing my 5 year old for being silly at school

[Sunlight82]

I am an ex primary school teacher, now university in lecturer. I thought I would have this while parenting lark sewn up but I have come to the realisation that I don’t and am really floundering at the moment.

I have a 7 year old DD who is that perfect child at school - good at everything, never been in any trouble, chosen for everything, very mature etc. So I have never faced this situation before.

I also have a 5 year old DS. He is an absolutely lovely little boy in many ways. He is funny, has a great sense of humour, clever, thirsty for knowledge, kind and knows so much about the world. However, he is constantly getting into trouble at school for his silliness.

He lost so many sanctions in Reception for things like running down corridors, spinning in Hymn practice, gambolling in the middle of assembly, playing rough with the boys at playtime. Nothing malicious, all just over the top and silly.

At home he is loving, funny, gets in well with his sister. They never fight and he can play for hours with his lego without a murmur. He can sit down when I ask to practice handwriting etc. And does it beautifully.

We had big talks about it over the summer. Practiced keeping calm and not getting over excited and how he had to try really hard in Year 1.

Well things are exactly the same if not worse. We have now been summoned to see the class teacher tomorrow as he lost 10 sanctions last week. Some seem quite harsh (picking his nose) and others justified (accidentally kicking a girl up the bottom whilst pretending to be a bucking bronco).

We have been punishing him at home for losing sanction but at this point he has lost everything - no TV, no toys, dinner on his own each night, straight to bed at 6, no treats, nothing. He has nothing left to lose. We never shout and in desperation we shouted at him over the weekend. He cried himself to sleep curled up in a tiny ball. When he woke up he came into me and said ‘I’m so sorry mummy. I try to be good for you but my body just does things and I can’t stop.’

He went to school today trying so hard to be good and ended up losing another sanction. He was devastated when I picked him up and kept apologising. I really don’t know what to do. I feel so sad for him. He is not ready for the formality of school. He is still so lively and silly and immature in many ways. I have cried buckets for days as I feel like I am breaking his little spirit and I hate myself for it. But equally I don’t want him marked as the naughty boy at school who has a difficult life there and never gets chosen for anything.

In desperation I have considered home schooling him and asked him if he would prefer that tonight. But he said he loves school and would miss playing with his friends.

His dad and I have no idea what we should be doing in this situation. Please help.

Oh op your poor little boy. Your post made me very sad, particularly when you recounted how he was trying so hard to be good for you. I agree with pp, lots of positive reinforcement and lots of opportunities to run off any excess energy.

I once spent time in a class with a teacher who purely by chance had mostly boys in her yr 1 class. The way she adapted her teaching style was amazing. She would recognise when they were starting to lose concentration and the noise levels were increasing- then the whole class would go outside for a run around the playground or similar before coming back to whatever task. Sounds like your lovely little boy needs a similar positive and understanding approach.

Yes, i thought that, that image is very sad.

He is 5
He is behaving like a 5 year old

He doesn’t need a double punishment so stop punishing him at home.

I have two older boys and what they often needed was space to let off energy and decompress. See if you can build a bit of running/mucking around time into your morning and evening schedules.

YY to getting more of what you notice too. So if he sits quietly for 5 mins or puts his socks on without a fuss - acknowledge it with descriptive praise.

I think in your position I would trust your instincts. It doesn’t sound as though he is being deliberately naughty. On that basis I would develop my “nod, smile, ignore” technique. You can chat at home on a low key basis about why you go to school, how learning is important and try to develop techniques for thinking about actions and calming down without punishment.

Home is where he should feel safe and free, please stop punishing him OP.

I was that mother, pulled aside for 'a chat' by his teacher, TA, housemaster, whoever, it went on for years. Even the cool mums felt for us after a while.

He is now in university, obscenely popular amongst his peers and knows he was simply a bit unusual as a kid. He knows he grew out of immature behaviour and that is all it was. He also knows I stood up for him when he was facing unfair criticism.

Kids pick their noses fgs.

I think you need to advocate for your son and start following your instinct, this doesn't feel right because it's not!

I learnt that when my ds1 had issues at school in y1, I felt huge pressure to implement punishments at home.

In y2 I went to school for support with behaviour and was told in no uncertain terms that what went at home, was my problem and they wouldn't implement any punishment metered out at home!

My heart is actually hurting a bit after reading that. Why did you shout?! And leave him to cry all curled up? I'm so sorry you sound like you care more about what the school think of you as a parent than what's best for your little boy. He's 5. Give him a cuddle

Poor little guy. Why would you as an intelligent human be colluding with the school to try break his spirit? What you describe isn't not having 'parenting lark sewn up' it sounds really quite cruel, and I can't imagine ever treating my son like this - and I am by no means a perfect parent!

Punishing a 5 year old by making him eat alone??? That hurts my heart to read

I feel so sorry for your son.
He is 5 years old.
He must feel utterly miserable at school and at home.

Like PP I think the school sounds very, very harsh. They are not getting it right for every child (GIRFEC policy here in Scotland) or realising that all behaviour is communication - he is communicating that the environment is not working for him! My DS 7 has ADHD a s his school is fantastic- lots of active learning, learning through play and movement breaks for all kids as well as a quiet room with movement devices and listening stations (listening books, headphones and comfy seating). This is what your boy needs.

I'll bet it's private. My friend had so many problems with her spirited boy at private school - they seemed to just want them all to be carbon copies with no room for individual differences.

I do feel for you. But this sounds like the wrong school for any child your son. And definitely stop the sanctions at home - it's obvious that you want to! Have you ever looked at Sarah Ockwell Smith's books or website? She has gentle, sensible suggestions for approaching all sorts of behaviour issues. Good luck!

So you're punishing him for a second time at home for every single misdemeanour at school. Are you also rewarding him for a second time at home for every thing he does correctly at school?
e.g.
So you sat still and listened to the whole story in assembly without fidgeting? Wow! That's great, ds. You're getting so good at sitting and listening. You deserve a special treat!
Did you line up quietly without pushing today? You did? I'm so proud of you! Well I think we can play an extra game before bedtime because you've been so good.
So Miss X told you off for being silly at playtime. That's a pity. How was lunchtime? Did she have to tell you off again? No? Well done! You must have tried very hard and thought about what she said.

Try to praise genuinely 3 x for each reprimand.

Poor boy, all these punishments

My oldest was like this, sitting down all day was so hard for him. He was constantly in trouble in y1 and 2, throwing paper planes, laughing too much, meeting his “girlfriend” in the corridor (), making silly drawings.

I still thank the heavens for his teacher, who said at parent evening that he was just s typical year 1 boy still finding his feet, and not to worry.

I never punished him for school stuff.

And looking back now, at pictures of him sge 5/6 I think “he was so little and we expected so much of him”

Your DS sounds like a normal boy, with a sense of fun, no malice. Just try to be patient. It’s a shame you have a teacher who sounds like she does not get this type of boy....

He needs love and attention, give it to him in bucketloads.
Let school deal with any ‘misbehaving’.

I think it's fiction - if the OP is teacher, why would they have no clue how to motivate a child in a productive way.

Is it a state school or private? I would be going in there for a meeting wanting to know why they are coming down so hard on misdemeanours. My sons school was quite strict in Reception as they wanted to set the time, but your children’s school sounds fucking horrendous.

Everything will definitely stop right now. I was getting so stressed with all the reports of him losing sanctions and so worried about him being ‘that naughty boy’ when I know he is absolutely lovely and he is just immature. In fact, his father was exactly the same.

I have wept reading these responses as every word you have all said is true. I needed to hear them. I am going to get him out of bed right now, hug him and hold him tight all night and let him know that I have made a mistake. I will fight for him to have a more positive behaviour plan at school tomorrow and we will start one at home tomorrow. Just lots of praise for everything he does good.

‘Set the tone’

What everyone else said. Also, how about an out of school activity (maybe at weekends if he's tired after school) to help with his listening and discipline and use up some energy. Maybe gymnastics or karate or a team sport like football, or dance or drama? Something where he can use up some energy and build his confidence.

@goldenbear, I am hoping you are right. My heart is breaking for that child.

Gosh - can't really add anything other than please stop the home punishments! Nothing he's doing is malicious, just over exuberant and he must feel that nowhere is his safe place.