To keep on punishing my 5 year old for being silly at school

[Sunlight82]

I am an ex primary school teacher, now university in lecturer. I thought I would have this while parenting lark sewn up but I have come to the realisation that I don’t and am really floundering at the moment.

I have a 7 year old DD who is that perfect child at school - good at everything, never been in any trouble, chosen for everything, very mature etc. So I have never faced this situation before.

I also have a 5 year old DS. He is an absolutely lovely little boy in many ways. He is funny, has a great sense of humour, clever, thirsty for knowledge, kind and knows so much about the world. However, he is constantly getting into trouble at school for his silliness.

He lost so many sanctions in Reception for things like running down corridors, spinning in Hymn practice, gambolling in the middle of assembly, playing rough with the boys at playtime. Nothing malicious, all just over the top and silly.

At home he is loving, funny, gets in well with his sister. They never fight and he can play for hours with his lego without a murmur. He can sit down when I ask to practice handwriting etc. And does it beautifully.

We had big talks about it over the summer. Practiced keeping calm and not getting over excited and how he had to try really hard in Year 1.

Well things are exactly the same if not worse. We have now been summoned to see the class teacher tomorrow as he lost 10 sanctions last week. Some seem quite harsh (picking his nose) and others justified (accidentally kicking a girl up the bottom whilst pretending to be a bucking bronco).

We have been punishing him at home for losing sanction but at this point he has lost everything - no TV, no toys, dinner on his own each night, straight to bed at 6, no treats, nothing. He has nothing left to lose. We never shout and in desperation we shouted at him over the weekend. He cried himself to sleep curled up in a tiny ball. When he woke up he came into me and said ‘I’m so sorry mummy. I try to be good for you but my body just does things and I can’t stop.’

He went to school today trying so hard to be good and ended up losing another sanction. He was devastated when I picked him up and kept apologising. I really don’t know what to do. I feel so sad for him. He is not ready for the formality of school. He is still so lively and silly and immature in many ways. I have cried buckets for days as I feel like I am breaking his little spirit and I hate myself for it. But equally I don’t want him marked as the naughty boy at school who has a difficult life there and never gets chosen for anything.

In desperation I have considered home schooling him and asked him if he would prefer that tonight. But he said he loves school and would miss playing with his friends.

His dad and I have no idea what we should be doing in this situation. Please help.

@Sunlight82 also remember none of us have this parenting lark sewn up!

Is this a wind up - you are an ex primary school teacher, clever enough to be a Lecturer at a university but completely clueless as to how harsh you are being. Why are you letting him eat alone--it sounds like you are trying to shame him. He's is 5 FGS, read a book about it there are tons out there, 'How to talk' etc. Talk about labelling and the comparisons to your perfect first born are just awful!

And actually, reading again what he's done at school WTF? OP, please read back his 'crimes'. Running in the corridor, spinning in hymn practice! I'm actually astounded and feel really, really sorry for him, I'm actually getting really angry on his behalf. Poor little sod.

I never punished my DC at home on top of any punishment at school - well beyond them having to listen to how disappointed I was in them.

But this school sounds pretty horrid to be honest, and I would be looking around for a different one. His sister might even benefit if she moved, as she sounds a bit too good.
You also need to struggle hard to not compare them, even in your head if possible.

Far too much punishing going on. He needs a reset. He's already getting punished at school and you are double punishing him. Speak to school about positive reinforcements. These sanctions sound awful for such little children.

Echoing Pp’s, don’t punish him at home for things he’s already being punished for at school. Encourage the behaviour you want to see. Speak to school about implementing a positive behaviour plan at school so he can try and build up to something? Poor little thing.

dinner on his own? I have to say not only should you not be punishing him these ever at all

Also I have a golden child DD - Year 6 and never gotten in trouble and a very different DS

Talk to the school - some of these sanctions are over the top as well. I think its about making him think about what he is doing for some of them and letting go some of the others

I empathise with you because my 2nd daughter was like this. I spent most of her reception year being called into school because she did silly things e.g. washing her hair in the toilet sink, not concentrating, play fighting. I spent too much time and energy trying to "support the school" when actually what I needed to do was accept my dd for how she was and encourage the school to do the same. When she went into Y1 she had a teacher who chose to see the best in her and accepted her as she was - she did much better for it. So over the years, instead of automatically supporting the school I chose to stick up for my dd instead, challenge the school's interpretation of events when I felt it was needed. I didn't punish her at home when she'd already been sanctioned at school (apart from if she'd done something really serious). She is 12 now and still a lively, fun loving person. We have no problems with her behaviour at school or at home. Your son will mature in his own time. For the time being I think you should fight his corner when the school continuously sanction him and make sure he knows he's good enough just the way he is.

I'm another one who thinks that punishing at home is the wrong way to go. Take him somewhere and let him play, run around, wind down and generally do all the things he can't do at school (within certain boundaries of not hurting others).

As others have said, I think the school is too strict and is expecting behaviour which is not age appropriate. I might be looking at moving him if I were you. You say he's clever: how is his learning at school? If it's OK, why don't the school work with that and give him time to let off steam. Their management of his behaviour doesn't really seem to be working.

No tv, no toys, dinner on his own, bed at 6 - this is shocking treatment. Your poor, poor little boy.

Maybe your boy just cannot sit still - maybe he’s sensory issues, maybe it’s an age thing or whatever.

Help your child, not treat him the way you are.

Also, op have you considered he may have traits of adhd or other stuff going on? Of course that may not be the case but reading through your post (and having a child with autism and adhd myself) I can see elements of that and the thought of my own child being treated this way for behaviour which is quite frankly outside of his control just breaks my heart.

And if you’re sending him to bed at 6 every night, he’s probably not getting enough of a chance to use up energy after school. Try getting him outside running around for an hour and see if that helps.

Give the boy a break. His punished for his actions at school whilst at school. He does not need you punishing him at home too. The teacher wouldn't say to him if he refused to tidy his bedroom no play time at school so why are you punishing him twice? You say you were a teacher have you considered he may have add or add or maybe if his as advanced as it sounds the work could be too easy for him. My cousins boy used to be like this. When she showed them what he was doing at home they tried him with the maths work of the year above as he was playing up more in maths and English. Once he started the harder work he was challenged and behaved better. It was boredom that caused it. Try talking to him rather than punishing him their only little once and you don't want his only memories as a child being mum telling him off because he was silly at school. If I punished my 9 year old for that he wouldn't have left his room in 5 years.

Hi Op, does the silly behaviour improve when he’s physically a bit tired? Just wondering if you could get a mini trampoline/trampette thing for him to have a good bounce on before school and/or do some crazy dancing before leaving the house. I find my four yr old son immediately after breakfast so full of beans, well rested and fed...needs an outlet for that energy before school starts.

Not RTFT.

I was a strict parent, but I wouldn't have given my DDs all those home punishments. He's five...

I agree - move schools.
Your DS sounds like a wonderful little boy, bursting with life and excitement. Dot squash it.
My DS school wouldn't dream of giving a child this young sanctions...

Stop punishing him at home unless he does.somethng really bad like deliberately hurting someone. Otherwise let the school deal.with it. He will start to hate himself soon otherwise. He is a small child and is not able year to completely control himself. Would you punish him for not being able to read or do a maths problem. If not why punish him for not being able to always control himself?

Please stop punishing him at home like you are. Eating on his own at his age is not a punishment but actually cruel imo. You will end up with a very depressed anxious child if you carry on being so hard on a little boy who’s just not ready for formal school structures yet.

School are already being hard on him then you’re doubling down and crushing him.

Please, if he stays at this school, talk at home about ways he can try to behave better by all means, but don’t crack down on him so hard.

As an ex teacher, use positive methods to encourage him. Not severe methods to break him.

Op ino others have said it and I agree he's 5 not 15... poor lad! Let him have an imagination - he probs end up dreading to go to school and that will be worse ... I'd be going in n telling them stop picking on him god sake let him pick his nose he is 5... I feel for him!

Yeah he needs you in his corner. The school sounds ridiculous. Accidentally kicking someone gets a sanction?? Surely a sorry is enough??

This is why I am dreading sending mine to school. Sanctions sound like absolute bollocks and lazy teaching.

Totally agree with trying a new school or a different type of school.

Go get him now and give him a massive hug, tell him he's wonderful, that the school thing is new for you all that you have handled it badly, you were wrong to publish him more and that you will work together to work though it and that you love him and just want him to be happy at school.

Good luck.

This sounds so cruel, crying himself to sleep in a ball! He is 5!!

Cruel, just cruel.

(accidentally kicking a girl up the bottom whilst pretending to be a bucking bronco)
He is hilarious, I can't stop laughing at this.

The poor wee kid. He's clearly not malicious - ‘I’m so sorry mummy. I try to be good for you but my body just does things and I can’t stop.’

• has anyone suggested extra help around some kind of attention/focus/self control work?

In the meantime, let him know he is safe & loved at home, & can let off steam in a natural way to compensate for trying hard not to be silly at school.

My lo struggles the same. I start afresh from school pick up and don't carry forward any punishments. He's not massively happy at school because he too struggles with the routine but at home he's so good and so I don't punish what I don't see. It's for his teacher to deal with. They want nothing more than to please you at this age so don't make him feel like he's letting you down for just being his 5-year-old self. It's an adjustment, some settle quicker than others.

We have been punishing him at home for losing sanction but at this point he has lost everything - no TV, no toys, dinner on his own each night, straight to bed at 6, no treats, nothing. He has nothing left to lose. We never shout and in desperation we shouted at him over the weekend. He cried himself to sleep curled up in a tiny ball When he woke up he came into me and said ‘I’m so sorry mummy. I try to be good for you but my body just does things and I can’t stop.’

Wtf? I don't believe for one second you were a primary school teacher. You're being cruel to him I hope you're on a wind up.

If you are not then for fucks sake start sticking up for him with the school. Poor little buggers going to end up depressed and anxious.