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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Low level bullying going a step too far, AIBU?

158 replies

Tedp · 23/09/2019 17:56

So, before I’m accused of being a pee troll or similar, I’m not wanting examples of other DC’s past issues etc. so please don’t share them, as it will only feed the ‘undesirables’. I’m going to be deliberately vague for this very reason. I only mention what happened because it’s relevant to the issue.

DD is in Y7, and turned 12 last week. She’s been enjoying her new high school as much as any 12 year old every enjoys school, although there have been a couple of low level incidents of bullying already which I’ve discussed with the school and I believed measures were in place to stop. DD was happy with what steps had been taken, and felt comfortable and secure.

Today there was another incident on the way home from school, where she was approached and verbally intimidated by older pupils. Unfortunately they frightened her to the point where she wet herself, and this was noticed by them. She arrived home very upset and absolutely mortified as you may expect by what had happened, and is now worried about going to school tomorrow and whether they will have told everybody else what happened.

It’s the bullying that’s the issue more than what it led to, although that’s obviously a sign of how severe it was, and in itself probably opens her up to more of the same, when we’re trying to stop that from happening.

AIBU to go to the school tomorrow and reasonably expect them to take very strong steps to stop this happening again and to punish those responsible? WIBU to allow DD to remain home until steps have been taken?

OP posts:
sprite25 · 23/09/2019 18:06

Hi, sorry your DD is being bullied. I would definitely be in contact with the school and explain what happened, how scared and intimidated your DD felt and ask them what's going to be done about the ones who did this to her. If it's the same pupils bullying her then they need to take further steps to help your DD, if it's a mixture of different pupils I would still expect the school to deal with it but also explain to DD that other kids can be very cruel, and it's no reflection on who she is as a person, it's just other sad individuals who think they need to come across as mean and scary to make up for other things they lack in their lives. I hope she gets help soon

AdelaideK · 23/09/2019 18:12

Definitely phone the school. I'm not that's low level bullying if there's a group of older ones targeting a new year 7.

Original poster
Tedp · 23/09/2019 19:02

Thanks for your support and helpful, kind words.

She's absolutely heartbroken. I guess the change of starting a new school and all that comes with that is difficult enough, and whilst a small amount of calling each other out and teasing is probably normal (although still not acceptable!) this just seems to taking things too far.

She's so worried about what will happen tomorrow if these older bullies (she thinks they're from Y8 and Y9 - yes the same kids that were unkind to her previously) have told the other kids what happened tonight. She doesn't use any social media, which is almost certainly a good thing, but scared that they may be talking about her/it on there too as lots of them seem to. :'(

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 23/09/2019 19:07

I would apply to other schools. I don’t say that lightly. This is an appalling thing to have happened to your daughter and while it is important that the bullies are punished, the reality is that she is probably going to remember this for her whole school life, and so will the bullies. It’s a position I would have to remove my child from.

BlankTimes · 23/09/2019 19:43

Those bullies will have plastered it all over social media and will be gloating about it, the whole school will know. Keep her at home from now on and look for another school.

No matter what the teachers say in school now, some smartmouth kid will make an unkind comment to her when she goes back, if not on school premises then en route to and from, it'll never stop, particularly if she reacts or gets upset and her school life will be awful.

Change schools now, don't send her back there. Poor kid Sad

HoneysuckIejasmine · 23/09/2019 19:47

Oh lordy. I have to agree with pp, as awful as it is. Kids that age will remember and they can be horrendous to each other.

Original poster
Tedp · 23/09/2019 19:57

And now, just as I’ve finally calmed her down with the promise that she can stay at home tomorrow whilst I try to sort this out, she’s hysterical again after a friend phoned to tell her that one of the girls has taken a photo and is sharing it around on Instagram.

I don’t know about a day off tomorrow, maybe you’re right about another school…at this stage I don’t even know whether just speaking to the school is strong enough? I’m furious, nobody has a right to do this to my DD! Nobody has a right to do this to anybody, let alone a 12 year old girl. Angry

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 23/09/2019 19:57

Yes please go to the school.

I suffered 'low level bullying' from girls in the year above me when I was 12/13. They used to follow me around school and call me names. Unbeknownst to them, I was going through major trauma at home which not only made what they were doing worse but made me feel that I couldn't tell my mum. When I eventually did my mum went straight to the school and they acted quickly and it was stamped out.

Hugs for your DD Thanks

Ginger1982 · 23/09/2019 19:58

Cross posted with your update.
I'm so glad my experience was pre social media.

Get to the school and kick up merry Hell. I would be absolutely fuming if it was my child as was my mum when it was me.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 23/09/2019 20:01

This is heartbreaking. Your poor DD. Keep her off social media, don’t send her back there.

bobstersmum · 23/09/2019 20:06

This is bloody terrible. Definitely don't send her back there, poor kid. Keep her off and sort another school. Absolute nasty creatures.

Frickinfabulous · 23/09/2019 20:12

I'm absolutely horrified that this goes on , I have a DD who is now in sixth form and have honestly never heard of such nastiness, it has gone past even what I would call bullying. If it were my daughter OP, I would be enrolling my girl in another school asap, your poor girl having to deal with this horrendous situation whilst being 12 and all that entails, my heart goes out to her and you as a Mum. Please don't send her back, new start, new school and give her lots of reassuring that these animals are in the minority, has she got any friends that she can rely on/talk to

rosierose1 · 23/09/2019 20:14

I've got to agree with other posters, they will remember this as will your daughter and will probably maker her time at the school very uncomfortable. Kids can be absolutely vile at that age my own school memories are not great ones. If I were you, I wouldn't hesitate to start looking for a new school asap.

DishingOutDone · 23/09/2019 20:17

Dont make your DD go to school, that's not low level bullying. Look for a new school tomorrow, but complain to the old one in the meantime. I am trying to think where you can get advice on them sharing the photo, but I'd be looking for the girls responsible to be excluded.

TheTrollFairy · 23/09/2019 20:18

I’m not one that thinks changing schools is the answer but in this case I would. Wetting yourself because of bullying doesn’t really signify it to be low level, are you sure your daughter isn’t minimising it to you for some reason? I only ask because of what happened after school.

Can you speak to your daughters friend and get her to screen shot the images that are going around? I would still speak to the school regardless of if you change your daughters school or not and I would take the screen shots with you. Could you find out who the bully’s parents are? I would be mortified if my dd was the cause of something like this and would definitely want to know and I would hope most parents would also like to know so they can tackle the issue

T0rt0ise · 23/09/2019 20:21

In some ways if it is on Instagram it is far easier for the perpetrators to be dealt with. Ask her friend's parents to screen shot and send it to you and then you have proof and the school have to deal with it properly. I would try and encourage her to go back to the school. There will (unfortunately) be bullies everywhere and your daughter (again unfortunately) will have to learn to deal with them so as long as the school have an appropriate anti-bullying policy and follow it through I'd try and stick it out at the school.

WifOfBif · 23/09/2019 20:21

Your poor DD. Don’t send her back.

Isn’t cyber bullying a crime now?

GameSetMatch · 23/09/2019 20:27

Please don’t make her go to school tomorrow unless she wants to. Low level bulling doesn’t cause someone to pee themselves, there has to be more to it. I would never say move school but in this case it’s a must.

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 23/09/2019 20:29

That's just awful.
Its not low level it's just really cruel
I would be looking for another school

Sarcelle · 23/09/2019 20:31

How awful. I too think that cyber bullying is taken more seriously so screenshooting the photo is very important.

I am a bit of a stand and fight (metaphorically) rather than retreat, but in this case I would remove your daughter immediately. These delightful children are going to carry on, but even if they stopped they have given others the ammo to continue, probably for the duration of her school years.

Poor girl. She must have been so scared. I hate bullies, just vile.

Nat6999 · 23/09/2019 20:34

TOrtOise it looks like you have never experienced bullying like this, it affects all of your life, you go to sleep thinking about it & dread waking up in the morning, can't concentrate on lessons & are terrified at breaks, lunchtime & sometime. The psychological impact of being bullied can affect you for the rest of your life. Forcing this girl to carry on going to that school won't make her stronger, nor will it stop the bullying, it will just damage her even more. A fresh start will help her & the right support will enable her to flourish & do well at school & not spend the rest of her school days being frightened & unhappy.

BenWillbondsPants · 23/09/2019 20:36

As a teacher, I deal with low level bullying all the time. I don't think that's low level I think that's fucking appalling. Your poor daughter.

I wouldn't be sending her back there - these kids will LOVE this and they'll keep spreading it around. I've been teaching for years and I genuinely can't believe how cruel and unkind some of our young people have become. Bullying has always gone on, but it's worse now than its ever been IME.

managedmis · 23/09/2019 20:39

Yup, school, tout suite.

Don't minimise this.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 23/09/2019 20:50

The trouble is, the kids that are sharing the images will have Insta followers who are at other schools, so unless you find an alternative school that is some distance away, the story may follow your DD to the new school. This is such a difficult one and I feel so bad for your poor DD. No child deserves to be treated like this.

LaidbackLibra · 23/09/2019 20:54

I hope your daughter is OK. SM really is a terrible thing. I know that nothing will make her feel better right now. But you could share my little story, I remember being 14 and a scary older girl I never met before intimidating me as I'd spoken to her boyfriend. Absolutely panicked, thought she was going to smack me and remember wetting myself in fear too! 20 years on I've given birth to two big babies and can still jump on a trampoline so goes to show how the human body can really let us down in times of fear. Now I look back and laugh about it, and hope in the future your daughter will be able to do this too. Things will feel unbearable at the moment, ask your daughter what she would like to happen. Does she really want to move school and leave the friends she has? First step should definitely be to stay at home tomorrow and for you to attend school, this matter needs addressing as a matter of urgency.