Low level bullying going a step too far, AIBU?

[Tedp]

So, before I’m accused of being a pee troll or similar, I’m not wanting examples of other DC’s past issues etc. so please don’t share them, as it will only feed the ‘undesirables’. I’m going to be deliberately vague for this very reason. I only mention what happened because it’s relevant to the issue.

DD is in Y7, and turned 12 last week. She’s been enjoying her new high school as much as any 12 year old every enjoys school, although there have been a couple of low level incidents of bullying already which I’ve discussed with the school and I believed measures were in place to stop. DD was happy with what steps had been taken, and felt comfortable and secure.

Today there was another incident on the way home from school, where she was approached and verbally intimidated by older pupils. Unfortunately they frightened her to the point where she wet herself, and this was noticed by them. She arrived home very upset and absolutely mortified as you may expect by what had happened, and is now worried about going to school tomorrow and whether they will have told everybody else what happened.

It’s the bullying that’s the issue more than what it led to, although that’s obviously a sign of how severe it was, and in itself probably opens her up to more of the same, when we’re trying to stop that from happening.

AIBU to go to the school tomorrow and reasonably expect them to take very strong steps to stop this happening again and to punish those responsible? WIBU to allow DD to remain home until steps have been taken?

If it's on social media, yes involve police as well as the school. Your poor DD, lots of love to her today

I read this yesterday and I'm still feeling angry on your behalf, OP. I really hope your daughter gets the response she deserves i.e. School go nuclear on those involved.

How is your DD this morning?

I would go to the school and the police OP. I would want those girls permanently excluded, every single one of them. This is absolutely horrific. Your poor girl.

Definetly keep her off. Go to school this morning and demand to see a senior member of staff, get a list of the names of the girls, ask the girl who rang your dd to take a screen shot of the cyber bullying and be prepared to go to the governor's, the lea and the police.

This thread has bothered me all night, how can our children be so awful to another that they wet themselves? Is it the parents? Because I know my kids would never in a million years do that to another kid. I would be on them like a ton of bricks. So what is happening to the parenting of kids who think doing this is okay? Who is parenting these kids? I'm just absolutely sick that this poor girl has to deal with this, it's her education, her young life, her adolescent life, I'm so so sorry OP, please find another school for your DD x

I would suspect the bullies parents are also thinking their children wouldnt do anything like that, everyones child is capable of all sorts especially with peer group pressure ....don't be that parent

I would go with her to school tomorrow and see what sanctions the school.are going to enforce. I would also gave a look around any other possible schools but as others say it could follow her there. Has she got a good group of friends at this school?

The tough bit is being in year 7 . It’s all new and friendships are new

Don’t necessarily assume the school is bad . They are more of an unknown quantity

Also to add can you get your daughter into some self defense classes? I think wetting herself is a response to fearing physical violence so the more confident she feels in being able to defend herself physically the more confident she will feel in general. I also vote for changing schools but also creating merry hell, not just for your daughter but the other victims of these bullies.

I would go to the police with the cyber bullying following the verbal abuse and threats (make sure you mention your daughter feared physical harm to the point she wet herself).

I would go to the school second so that they cannot convince you they are doing something and actually do nothing and that this shouldn't be reported to police.

Depending on the school's response I would contact Ofsted.

Make sure to save screenshots of the Instagram posts so you have proof of who posted it. You can then contact Instagram about it being removed as it is bullying/abusive content.

People always suggest self defence for victims of bullying

My DC has done it for years but it doesn’t help when a group are baying at him and
Mocking him

A lot of the time it’s verbal and psychological sadly

OK so I realise this goes against almost all of the advice in this thread, but I've taken my lead from DD as that felt best.

DD's good friends from her old primary school were obviously chatting amongst themselves last night, as 4 of them arrived at our house this morning half an hour earlier than they usually go out to school, and DD has gone with them, head held high, determined that she's not going to let the bullies win.

I've never, ever felt so proud in all of her 12 years, it genuinely moved me to tears (and resulted in me being told not to be so silly! 🙄🙈). And her friends are just amazing too, reassuring her and promising to stand by her. True friends, not a word saiid a it what happened, just so worried about her.

I'm of course going to school myself, I've phoned and arranged to meet her head of year at 9.30 so hopefully something can be done both to keep her safe and to make sure those responsible realise the effects their actions have. I'll talk over the options with the school and go from there. I did say that I was considering going to the Police, but will talk it through with them first and see what their proposals are.

Sat here a blubbering mess, she's got far more courage than I could ever hope to have, so so very proud of her. And whilst on one hand I hope she doesn't see these bullies at all, a part of me also wishes they will see her there her friends around her and realise that they can't get her down and that they won't win.

Off to cry some more into my coffee and then get ready for going to the school myself. Thank you all for your kind words, support and encouragement. I'll of course keep you posted, when I've stopped crying my eyes out. 😭

That is such a wonderful thing to hear. Nothing could be better for her than a group of friends surrounding her, facing off the bullies. I am so glad she has such wonderful friends. Often people who are bullied don't. I still think you are right to phone the school. No one should be allowed to get away with this sort of bullying. And the bully needs help so it doesn;t escalate.

What an amazing girl you have op. What a brave girl and wonderful friends too x

She must have felt terrified with intimidation when they approached her
I would be heartbroken for her too, I admire her bravery today, I am sorry OP.

@Tedp your daughter is bloody amazing. She has more spirit, resilience, integrity, intelligence and tenacity about her, than they share in their toe.

Go show them. I love that she's got her friends with her and head held high. A real inspiration, you must be so proud.

Go fight her corner with the school and read them the riot act.

Huge love to DD xx

Wow @Tedp, that's quite a girl you've got there. She's right of course, she's done nothing wrong, why should she stay off but god she's got more gumption than most and I included most adults in that too.

I'm sure you won't, but don't let school fob you off with niceties. My last school Head advised another member of staff to 'say all the right things until it blows over' 😠 when they were dealing with a dreadful bullying incident. Some schools are absolutely fantastic in dealing with stuff like this, some are not, so I hope yours is the former.

Lots of luck today. You must be incredibly proud of your lass.

Come on OP!! Big pants up and demand response and resolution. Show them online evidence. Name names. Expect them to detail what they are going to do and when. Ask for the complaints and escalation policy. Do not back down. Request a follow up meeting ASAP. It is down to you and the school to stamp this horrid behaviour NOW. I feel angry for you. Please please please don't crow. You have everything to gain. The school will respond to those who complain hardest and loudest.

Let the school know you will be following closely future events and you expect the shits parents to be involved and fucking told. I swear to god if my child every behaved like that I'd come down like a ton of bricks I'd be so ashamed.

You have raised a fighter OP, well done. Now you hold your head high, meet the head of year and tell them you want those girls punished and their parents to be told exactly what they did.

Sometimes bullies go so far that the general consensus starts to go against them. I'm going to hope and pray that the majority of preteens and teens who saw bullies behaving in a way that was sufficiently threatening to make a smaller girl lose control of her bladder would actually take this as a point to stop being a bystander. They've gone too far.

I would definitely talk to the school about involving the police and be very firm.

Also, when my DC are experiencing bullying and someone sticks up for them, I always let the parent of the friend know in a low key "your kids amazing, you should be really proud of how you are raising them" kind of way.

What an amazing strong girl you have there! Hope she has a non eventful day today

The photo is abhorrent and if school do not deal with it in a satisfactory manner I would not be hesitate to call 101 and have it logged.... There are cyber laws in place now for this exact sort of bullying.

Op, I agree with posters who say that you should start looking for another school. I speak from personal experience

Your daughter sounds amazing as do her friends!

Look at the responses on this thread op all right thinking people are horrified and upset this has happened.
This needs to be turned back on the bullies. I would want the school to shine a strong spotlight on this behaviour. I would want the parents to know exactly what their spawn have done. No minimising or excuses. I would be calm but furious. I would also involve the police. Best wishes to you and your dd x