Low level bullying going a step too far, AIBU?

[Tedp]

So, before I’m accused of being a pee troll or similar, I’m not wanting examples of other DC’s past issues etc. so please don’t share them, as it will only feed the ‘undesirables’. I’m going to be deliberately vague for this very reason. I only mention what happened because it’s relevant to the issue.

DD is in Y7, and turned 12 last week. She’s been enjoying her new high school as much as any 12 year old every enjoys school, although there have been a couple of low level incidents of bullying already which I’ve discussed with the school and I believed measures were in place to stop. DD was happy with what steps had been taken, and felt comfortable and secure.

Today there was another incident on the way home from school, where she was approached and verbally intimidated by older pupils. Unfortunately they frightened her to the point where she wet herself, and this was noticed by them. She arrived home very upset and absolutely mortified as you may expect by what had happened, and is now worried about going to school tomorrow and whether they will have told everybody else what happened.

It’s the bullying that’s the issue more than what it led to, although that’s obviously a sign of how severe it was, and in itself probably opens her up to more of the same, when we’re trying to stop that from happening.

AIBU to go to the school tomorrow and reasonably expect them to take very strong steps to stop this happening again and to punish those responsible? WIBU to allow DD to remain home until steps have been taken?

Oh OP your poor dd. I was bullied terribly at school so I know how she feels. I used to make myself vomit to try and get days off. It's so much worse now with social media, even at home there is no escape. Don't send her to school tomorrow. I would keep her home until its sorted (wish my parents had done that with me, perhaps the school would have taken it more seriously) or change her school.

Using a phone or the internet to intentionally cause alarm or distress is a crime. Ask the other girl's parents to screenshot so you have evidence and I'd speak to the headteacher and to the non-emergency police for advice tomorrow.
And please don't send your poor DD back there - there is nothing low-level about this incident - it sounds horrific. I'm appalled at how horrible these teens are.

That's not low level. Don't send her back to that school.

That's absolutely horrific, your poor poor dd I wouldn't send her back and would be moving her to a different school as soon as possible. How can children be so nasty!!

That's beyond awful. I think that keeping her home is fine. Changing schools might not help, though. Presumably she goes to a local school? If she doesn't return, she may start getting worried about going out locally. It is probably best to let school deal with it.

Must be a good day for bullies as my DS whom also just turned 12 was punched in the face twice luckily it was caught on camera. I’m sorry this intimidation happened to your DD and hope you get it sorted Stay strong and calm as I know it’s not easy. Report it to the school and here if you want to chat.

This is appalling - your poor poor daughter.

Would you consider speaking to the police?

I can't imagine how awful this is for her.

Your poor DD, what a horrible experience for her. YANBU to sweep into school tomorrow and raise Hell, that's precisely what I would do. Pastoral care leads need to be involved, plus senior leadership, and if I wasn't immediately seeing appropriate action then I'd be complaining to the Governors and challenging their safeguarding and bullying policies.

I really hope you get this sorted.

This thread has bothered me all night, how can our children be so awful to another that they wet themselves? Is it the parents? Because I know my kids would never in a million years do that to another kid. I would be on them like a ton of bricks. So what is happening to the parenting of kids who think doing this is okay? Who is parenting these kids? I'm just absolutely sick that this poor girl has to deal with this, it's her education, her young life, her adolescent life, I'm so so sorry OP, please find another school for your DD x

I agree with pp, with social media as it is there is no point changing school unless she is unhappy there for other reasons.
However, I think you should see what the school’s response is.
I know that at my school, the children who did this would be dealt with severely. The Head would be involved and would personally give the culprits a dressing down they would never forget.
If the schools response is weak then consider moving her.

Your poor poor girl. Kids can be so evil to others. The fact its on SM shows they are not sorry and want people to know. Do not send her back there op x

And I would like to say OP, you are a million miles better parent than the awful parents of the bullies, because it comes from the family, those little bullies learnt it from there family, you, have a beautiful girl, you have a kind girl who would never do this, you my darling are winning, you and your daughter are wonderful xx

Im not one for saying keep her off school/change school.

But this? Yeah. I’d keep her at home and apply to somewhere else. This is not going to help her education in any shape or form.

Get screenshots, go to the school and possibly the police. This isn’t low level bullying- it’s out and out fucking terrible behaviour and needs stamping out. Horrid horrid individuals.

I hope this doesn’t change your daughter- perhaps looking into some ways to improve her confidence might be worth it? Don’t let those awful people colour her future. I imagine she’s taken quite a hit.

My DD was so severely bullied, I home educated her for two years. She is now year 10 and rather than send her to where she would have followed on to (we have the middle school system here), she is now attending a 14-16 unit in a college to enable her to do maths and English GCSEs.

Honestly, pulling her out of school was a hard decision to make and I wondered if I had done the right thing. She has had a couple of comments, like a year 11 saying 'What you looking at, you wanna fight', but she laughed and said Nah! She is nearly a black belt in karate, so could have wiped her out, but her karate has taught her restraint and the confidence to not need to prove anything. Two years at home with me, no bullying has helped her so much.

Do what you need to do to keep her mental health good. Nobody learns when stressed!

I don't think it's fair to make assumptions about the parenting capacity of the bullies' parents, tbh. They could be fantastic parents or hopeless ones, but they can't be with their children all the time and peer influence is powerful. You only have to look at some of the most heinous killings where the culprits are children, to see that they can be drawn to do something with others that they would never have done if they were alone.

The children need to be dealt with by the school and the parents will have an opportunity to demonstrate their parenting by how they react to this situation.

one of the girls has taken a photo and is sharing it around on Instagram.

That is so nasty. I grew up with Instagram/social media (early 20s) so witnessed many altercations/drama during school on socials, this tops it all! Just plain bullying and vile.

Definitely ask someone to screenshot the post, obviously you don’t need to show your daughter the post but it’s useful evidence for you to show to the school. When I was at school and pupils were reprimanded for social media posts, the school would actually print out the posts in question. Obviously none of the teachers had pupils on social media, so they would only have access to the posts in question if they were provided it by another pupil/parent.

Keep her off and go to the school. Also report the cyber bullying to the police (once you get the screenshot). Yes this is illegal under the Harassment Act 1997 and if you look up your local constabulary you can read their policy.

I would 100% move schools. They will already have a nickname for her and it will follow her . It is unlikely that the name will follow her however as whilst it will spread, it will soon be replaced by the next victim in their memories.

My friends daughter went through something similar and it was deleted from everywhere.

www.bullying.co.uk/cyberbullying/what-is-cyberbullying/

As a secondary school teacher for many years, I agree that this is definitely not low level bullying. In fact it’s quite rare to hear such an awful story. A child of mine would not be going back to that school any time soon, and I’d be there at the school door tomorrow morning to raise hell. A school worth their salt will treat this with the severity it deserves.

I’d definitely talk to the parents of the friend who saw it (?) on Instagram and try to get a copy of the photo and who posted it. I’d be so ashamed if one of my children ever behaved like that.

Omg what horrible little scumbags! Your poor DD. I wouldn't send my DC back to this school if they didn't want to and send them to a new school. If I found out my DC were bullying anyone I'd give them a taste of their own medicine. She must have been so scared to wet herself. My heart goes out to you and your DD and I hope you get things sorted x

I don't think it's fair to make assumptions about the parenting capacity of the bullies' parents, tbh.

I really do agree with this. One of the worst cases of bullying I had to deal with involved a girl who had the loveliest and most supportive parents. They really genuinely didn't believe an incident which had happened on the school bus and thought we had mistaken someone else for their daughter. Fortunately, we had CCTV on our school buses. Her dad sat in my office and sobbed because he was so devastated that his daughter (I've also known this family for many years) could behave in such a way. It was awful and I felt so sorry for her parents. They were fully supportive of any sanctions put in place by the school. Lots of bullies are the product of terrible parenting, but not all.

Please please try and get screen shots somehow

I think the message is that any child that bullies a younger child so badly that they pee themselves is the disgusting and shameful one. I would go nuclear on them
They need shaming , not your poor DD

But now you have an upset and anguished child and my heart goes out

But I think the message needs to be re-engineered now

Wishing you well and your DD

Also see what the school does first

Any decent head (and many exist) would go
Completely nuclear about this . They need to get a dressing down and a punishment so severe the realise what’s been done . I would keep her off but reiterate that fear is not shameful . Those little cunts are the shameful ones

I am really sorry . Another new year 7 here and I am watching very vigilantly for this too

This situation doesn't sound salvageable OP,. I wouldn't waste time and energy complaining to the school, I would just be looking to change schools straight away. Poor kid.

Def get hold of a screenshot of the Instagram post and any names or comments that are encouraging it

And move her
This is going to be major school gossip fodder and she will carry that with her forever

What a horrendous thing for her to go through the poor love