Low level bullying going a step too far, AIBU?

[Tedp]

So, before I’m accused of being a pee troll or similar, I’m not wanting examples of other DC’s past issues etc. so please don’t share them, as it will only feed the ‘undesirables’. I’m going to be deliberately vague for this very reason. I only mention what happened because it’s relevant to the issue.

DD is in Y7, and turned 12 last week. She’s been enjoying her new high school as much as any 12 year old every enjoys school, although there have been a couple of low level incidents of bullying already which I’ve discussed with the school and I believed measures were in place to stop. DD was happy with what steps had been taken, and felt comfortable and secure.

Today there was another incident on the way home from school, where she was approached and verbally intimidated by older pupils. Unfortunately they frightened her to the point where she wet herself, and this was noticed by them. She arrived home very upset and absolutely mortified as you may expect by what had happened, and is now worried about going to school tomorrow and whether they will have told everybody else what happened.

It’s the bullying that’s the issue more than what it led to, although that’s obviously a sign of how severe it was, and in itself probably opens her up to more of the same, when we’re trying to stop that from happening.

AIBU to go to the school tomorrow and reasonably expect them to take very strong steps to stop this happening again and to punish those responsible? WIBU to allow DD to remain home until steps have been taken?

Good luck OP, hope it went well.

How did the meeting go? Have you heard from your daughter since she’s been at school?

I've had a little cry reading this because I have a yr 7 dd who is struggling with the transition to secondary school. If something like this happened to her I really don't know how she'd cope. You must be so proud of your dd insisting on going to school with her head held high. Good on her! And what lovely friends she has too.

But please don't let the school fob you off with anything other than real action against the bullies. They have a duty to safeguard your daughter and, at the moment with the bullies' behaviour unchallenged, they're not (and I say that as a school governor in charge of safeguarding).

Good luck to you and your impressive dd.

Wow - what a lovely thing for your daughter's friends to do. She is one brave young woman.

Op I’ve been through the mill reading your post and updates, still tearful now. I’m so glad she’s gone in with the support of her friends. It’s very brave and she’s right to hold her head high, she’s nothing to be ashamed of.

I hope the school were good!

Wow, OP, that's one brave girl you've got there! And she has some great friends.

I wouldn't hesitate to take this to the police, and I bloody hope the school take this seriously. Kids who bully other kids on the way home should have detention every day imo, to give other kids a chance to get home before they're let out.

You have raised an amazing daughter. Her friends too sound lovely. Hope today goes well.

Your daughters courage is admirable. Good for her. I hope you got on ok and are starting to feel stronger. Wishing good thoughts for both you and your daughter that today turns out well. Xx

What a fantastic DD you've raised OP. She sounds very brave and so courageous. You should be very proud . I hope your meeting went well and the school are supporting you in dealing with these scummy bullies.

You should be so proud of your DD she is amazing to face this head on. I hope your meeting went well at school.
I also echo a pp who mention dds friends, it might be helpful to let these parents know how supportive their dc have been to yours. No doubt parents will praise their dc and confirm that they absolute did the right thing and will continue too, especially if they may get dragged into the bullying too. Hopefully though it doesn't come to this and the school will deal with it.

OP your update made me cry. Your DD is amazing and so are her friends. You should be incredibly proud of her.

How did the new with school go? I hope they are sorting this out.

*meeting, not new!

Your update made me tear up a bit as well OP. How fab your daughter and her friends are.

I hope your meeting with the HOY was successful. Absolute gobshite bullies, can’t believe children (or anyone) behaves like this.

Hope school went well for both of you today - your meeting and your DD's regular school day. Love the sound of her friends, what a boost to her self-esteem to know she is cared for and protected by them.

What a great response. I hope school were helpful today.

Thanks everybody. I’ve been a bit of an emotional wreck all day if I’m honest, her friends turning up like that this morning just finished me off.

Anyway, sorry for the late update, I had to go to work myself after going to school, and then I figured her and the girls that had done so much for her deserved a little treat, so we’ve just got back from having waffles and milkshakes in town.

Most importantly, she has had a good day and came home smiling (even before all the sugar, haha!). From what I can gather, nothing at all untoward has been said to her, and the only people who mentioned what had happened or seeing the photo have been supportive of her. Bless, one girl who she doesn’t even know that well yet even came and gave her a hug in form this morning apparently, and told her that the evil ‘bleep bleep’ (DD wouldn’t tell me what she said, but blushed so I’m sure we can guess ;) ) deserves to have it happen to her in front of the whole school, see how she likes it.

The HOY couldn’t have been more helpful, and I could see myself that she was genuinely angry that this had happened to DD. They’ve identified the other kids involved and were calling their parents in this afternoon to show them the photo/social media posts and to discuss the way forward to stop this happening to anybody else. We also brought DD into our meeting so that she could talk about her worries and put a plan in place to make sure she’s kept safe both in school and on her way home too, although her friends have made it pretty clear that none of them will be on their own now - it’s so touching just how close they all are and how protective they are of each other.

On reflection, I decided not to involve the Police, and both DD and the school supported this - the school basically left it up to me and DD as they understood the severity of the situation and agreed that if I decided to take that path it would be justified. Police involvement could potentially have lifelong repercussions for the girls involved though, and whilst I can never condone and personally would find it difficult to forgive their actions, I’d struggle with knowing that a decision I’d taken now could affect their futures. Yes, I know it’s their own poor choices that would have led to it, but they’re only kids at the end of the day and whilst their actions need to be punished and they need to be taught what is and isn’t acceptable, they perhaps don’t have the same reasoned judgement that an adult would have had. DD agrees that despite what they did to her, she wouldn’t want it to ruin their lives in the future, although I’ve left no doubt in anybody’s mind that should there be a repeat or anything remotely similar then I’d be going to the Police before anywhere else.

Given the support DD has in her friendship group, and even the wider year group as has been evident today, I’m not looking at the possibility of moving schools at this stage. DD has said she wants to stay with her friends, and if I’m honest I don’t blame her at all, they’ve shown just how much they care about her and I think it would do more harm than good to take her away from that. Obviously if the school don’t take decisive action then this is something I may need to talk to her again about, but I’m quietly confident that they seem to be taking things very seriously.

Thank you again for everybody’s kind words, I keep welling up when I’m reading what you’ve all written. x

Oh that’s a great outcome OP! Sounds like it’s a couple of bad apples rather than a problem with school so that’s encouraging.

Lovely outcome.

I hope the bullies and their parents realise just how lucky they are at having your reasonable approach when most people would be baying for blood. You, your daughter, her mates - all blooming lovely.

Goodness, your poor dd! Glad the school and her fantastic friends are rallying around. I’d have threatened the police to give them a bloody good fright, night have made them pee their pants too.
This hopefully will stamp it out. The very best of luck to your dd.

Great update OP.

I admire your thoughts on taking it forward to police but I'd certainly not hesitate in reporting it if there is a backlash. The kids have been warned and will have been told about future repercussions so if they dare to intimidate her again then I would unleash it.

Been following and so pleased with outcome so far; what a fabulous daughter you have and her friends sound amazing

Will be interesting to see what the parents of the bullies say... 😡

Makes me tear up! Well done your DD, friends and school

When I first read your OP, I was so, so angry that your DD had been put in that position. I still am. I was also worried about her. But she is AWESOME!!! As are her friends. It's so heartwarming to see kids looking out for each other like this, it restores my faith in human nature.
I detest bullying. Going about with her friends, with their support and her head held high is the best 'up yours' she can give to these bullies!! for you all!!!

So pleased to read these updates. What lovey friends. I think you’re right, I would want my child next to these friends rather than move school. I would have completely understood your DD not going into school today, but getting straight back on the horse could be the very best thing. I really hope the school live up to their promises now. Your story recalled for me a similar situation we dealt with, probably 15 years ago now. The staff at school were absolutely horrified by it, felt sick. The ‘ringleader’ was permanently excluded, which was a relief, because I don’t think I’d ever have been able to teach them or even look at them again. I think what I’m trying to explain is that school staff are human beings, we become very protective of the children in our care, and so I’d expect your daughter’s teachers will do everything in their power to support her and help her navigate this.

What a lovely update Op. There are good kids around. I'm so pleased for your dd that she's had so much support. Good luck to her.