Low level bullying going a step too far, AIBU?

[Tedp]

So, before I’m accused of being a pee troll or similar, I’m not wanting examples of other DC’s past issues etc. so please don’t share them, as it will only feed the ‘undesirables’. I’m going to be deliberately vague for this very reason. I only mention what happened because it’s relevant to the issue.

DD is in Y7, and turned 12 last week. She’s been enjoying her new high school as much as any 12 year old every enjoys school, although there have been a couple of low level incidents of bullying already which I’ve discussed with the school and I believed measures were in place to stop. DD was happy with what steps had been taken, and felt comfortable and secure.

Today there was another incident on the way home from school, where she was approached and verbally intimidated by older pupils. Unfortunately they frightened her to the point where she wet herself, and this was noticed by them. She arrived home very upset and absolutely mortified as you may expect by what had happened, and is now worried about going to school tomorrow and whether they will have told everybody else what happened.

It’s the bullying that’s the issue more than what it led to, although that’s obviously a sign of how severe it was, and in itself probably opens her up to more of the same, when we’re trying to stop that from happening.

AIBU to go to the school tomorrow and reasonably expect them to take very strong steps to stop this happening again and to punish those responsible? WIBU to allow DD to remain home until steps have been taken?

If you don't report it to the police then the school and the criminals will just forget all about it.

Until next time.

I remember a governor of a local Catholic school brushing off child abuse and telling me "that sort of thing doesn't happen any more, and it's never been a problem at our school"

Long afterwards, I found out he was wrong on both counts.

But no doubt he'd say he didn't know. And there was nothing on record. And he'd probably still say "that sort of thing doesn't happen any more."

Your daughter is remarkable. I read the OP and, as a grown up, thought “no fucking way would I ever go back there/I would have to move town even”. Seems like most posters felt the same - not your daughter though! What a brave girl! Lovely friends too.

Your daughter must be a lovely friend to have such lovely friends. You must be so proud.

My DD was bullied for a short time, I'm the mother from hell if anyone messed with her. I rang the school, no real help so I went to school during school hours and sat there until the head could see me. I took my DD out of school, you dont send your child into a dangerous situation, school sorted it out, community police officer was involved, I went to bullies house one by one and threatened their parents (dont recommend this but I was furious) DD returned to school. My Dd is 30 now, she laughs about how I "flew in on my broomstick" to save her. Moral of the story is do what you have to do protect your child as they will remember it. Really feel for you and your Dd

With the upmost respect, I'm not sure that telling your DD about the potential lifelong ramifications for the bullies of going to the police, was the best idea personally. No matter how nicely said or fleeting the context. It could be misconstrued as "Do you want to ruin their life?" and I'm struggling to see any context which it wouldn't come across like that; despite you not meaning it in that way. I just hope it really was the outcome your DD wanted, in terms of Police involvement.

Anyway, your DD sounds like a strong and mature child with wonderful friends so I'm glad that it all turned out well in the end. I'm not sure I'd have had her strength in the face of all this, good on her!

Wow! Your daughter and her friends sound wonderful - you must be incredibly proud! I was absolutely ready to agree with PPs about looking for a new school, but with your updates, it's clear that your DD is made of stronger stuff than I had anticipated and that fact, along with such a supportive group of friends, will ensure that her school life shouldn't be 'blighted' by the incident.

Many, many moons ago (in 1991!) I was walking home after getting off the bus with my friend, we were both 11 and in Year 7 and there were a couple of boys from Yr 8 walking a little way behind us. My friend had mentioned that she needed the loo whilst we were on the bus and she was getting more and more desperate as we walked up the very long hill towards our houses. Eventually, she couldn't hold it any longer and wet herself. I had noticed the boys behind us, so I just said to her "keep walking", and we did. We had a chat about it once we were back at her house and decided that if the boys said anything at school, we would deny, deny, deny and say that she had spilled her water bottle down herself as we were walking home.

We arrived at school the next day, arm in arm, only to be met with a group of 6 or 7 boys chanting "Pissy Pants!" We feigned ignorance and avoided even looking at them, then during Tutor period I made a big show, complete with a re-enactment of 'How my friend managed to pour nearly and entire bottle of water over herself on the way home from school!' I re-told the story in the line outside the classroom at the start of each lesson that day, and to several other people in the playground at lunch and break times and the whole narrative was changed. The boys gave up with their name calling, as they started to doubt what they'd seen and since the story going round was about her spilling her drink, they started to look as if they were just making up a mean story about a tiny little Yr 7 girl. I'm grateful that this was all in the days before Social Media!

Sorry, a rambling, slightly irrelevant tale, but the memory was so vivid after reading your OP.

I'm so pleased for you and your daughter that things seem to be good at school and I hope that these nasty bullies are severely punished for their disgusting actions.

Wow what an update. Hope the rest of the week is going ok.

Oh, OP, I'M proud of your daughter and have never even met her! And her friends too - what lovely, mature year 7s!

I also admire your forbearance re the bullies and the police. I hope it is made crystal clear to them that that is the immediate next step should they put a toe out of line again, and that you follow through on that.

It's true it could affect them forever but sorry to say that that social media post of your DD will also be around forever so I would absolutely garden my heart against the bullies should there ever be the slightest repeat. Give your daughter a hug from Mumsnet!