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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely on my knees and I don’t know what to do

253 replies

TooMuchPeppa86 · 23/09/2019 10:46

I don’t even know where to start

I work part time (3 days) in a job that doesn’t really fit into part time hours. I cut my hours because I have two wee girls (5 and 2) who are my whole world and I thought it’s fine it’ll be a few years of working at nights once they’re asleep and then I can increase my hours in the office once they’re at school.

Five year old started school last month. Her sleep is beyond horrific. She has no interest in sleep she won’t even try. But I need to stay in her room or she just kicks off. Last night it was 11pm before she went to sleep. I then had to work until 3am to stay afloat.

I can’t do this any more. I can’t. The first thought I had when I woke up this morning was sheer panic about how behind I am at work because I can’t fit it all in.

She won’t have DH. He does the housework at night and keeps that ticking over.

OP posts:
AlansLeftMoob · 23/09/2019 14:51

Let her cry her heart out to sleep.

Is this a serious suggestion?! For a needy, insecure child?! Fucking hell.

OP I sympathize, I had horrible sleepers. One of mine would also have kept me in the room until 10pm if he got away with it. I did tea, bath, teeth, story, bed too. No milk. Sometimes we'd just have a little chat instead of a story which used to reassure him because he'd talk about his day. There may be something about school that she's just not sure about or worried about.

Tell her that bedtime is bedtime, use lavender scented EVERYTHING, and if she gets out of bed tell her that your DH will be coming back to put her back to bed because you need to work for her to have a nice house and nice things.

I feel for you because you sound absolutely exhausted and at your wit's end. I'm sorry and I hope things improve soon x

Soontobe60 · 23/09/2019 14:52

It sounds like she's missing you because you're so busy working, and her DF isn't pulling his weight in terms of looking after her. What time do you get her ready for bed? If she's just started school I'd say 7 is the latest to begin bedtime. Bath, pjs story, sleep. No audio books, no night light. And you and DH need to take turns to put her to bed too. Keep returning her to bed without speaking or making eye contact. It will take time but it will pay off in the long term.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 23/09/2019 14:59

Haven't RTFT sorry but OP if you have gone part time & are thus only being paid part time, your employer should not be requiring you to undertake a full time work load. That's not how it works. There should be a contractor or job share covering the other 2 days worth, you don't just do the extra work for free at night Hmm

MrsKoala · 23/09/2019 15:01

Agree with lurcher. It’s easy to say they should just do as they are told. But what if they don’t? What if they have nothing they value to bribe or reward with? What if they give no shits about sticker charts?

We spent hours every night in a physical battle with ds1. Having to drag him up the stairs by his arms while he kicked, bit and punched us. Having to throw him on his bed and run to get out of the room to quickly close the door before he got backup and lunged at us. Holding the door shut for hours while he smashed up his room. He used to remove the slats from under his bed and hit us with them. It was horrendous.

gingersausage · 23/09/2019 15:03

@MrsKoala but that is so far beyond normal behaviour, it’s not what is being talked about on this thread.

MrsKoala · 23/09/2019 15:07

I am responding to the post about how it can get physical with some techniques of rapid response. And how it escalated for us. There are lots of people advocating taking a very strict line and I am just saying for us that made it much worse so a gentle approach can also be an option.

I know it isn’t popular but I just thought the op may like a variety of opinions and experiences.

IncogMeToo · 23/09/2019 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Indecisivelurcher · 23/09/2019 15:22

Oo I have thought of something else that could help. Our doctor prescribed Dd a melatonin supplement. Her preschool suggested it to me, I spoke to the health visitors and got their backing having tried everything they would normally suggest and worked with a private sleep consultant. I think it was limited use to us as Dd woke during the night but went to bed lovely. It might really help you though, as she used to go out like an absolute light about 15 mins after she'd taken it. I felt irrationally bad giving it to her, so read up on it and asked around. Melatonin is a natural hormone that your body produces to get you to sleep. It's actually available over the counter in lots of countries E.g. My Australian friends seem to take it as standard almost?! I viewed it as giving her an added sleepy feeling and twinned it with the other methods I have described further up the post. Sorry my input has ended up very bitty. I hope some of what I've suggested might be useful to you. I really sympathise.

Preggosaurus9 · 23/09/2019 16:39

OP you have not failed.

It's so important to keep your job, imagine the future where you have DC and a fulfilling career, it will be so worth it. Just have to get through this bit.

I agree it doesn't matter that she kicks off at DH. Tough! After a few nights of zero tolerance she will start getting it.

Also agree that your employer are taking the absolute piss. There is no way it's reasonable to work til 3am, think about it, with FT hours that would be a joke! So ask yourself why you feel under pressure to do so much more being PT? Do you feel guilty, are you being bullied about being PT/PA digs by someone at work?

There are a few separate issues that have become a huge overwhelming mass, you can separate them out and make progress on each one individually, it is do able OP. Cheering you on!

museumum · 23/09/2019 17:13

OP you need to sort out the work so you don't have to work in the evening. My ds can pretty much sense when i really need him to go down to sleep easily and quickly, i must give off vibes even though i try not to. When i'm stressed about doing something at 8 he can't sleep, when i'm relaxed he is too.
At least put a moratorium on evening working till you sort the sleep issues.

PenelopeFlintstone · 24/09/2019 09:09

My Australian friends seem to take it as standard almost?
You actually need a prescription for melatonin in Australia. Not in America though. I’m in Australia and reading this thread specifically because it’s about sleep issues and debating whether to buy some online.

LisaRoundTheMulberryBush · 24/09/2019 09:42

FYI melatonin can have negative effects on people who have a history of depression or anxiety. That's why it's a prescription drug in Australia. It's a useful tool but not something you should take without knowing the potential side effects.

Indecisivelurcher · 24/09/2019 10:43

Oh do you, got that wrong then! You need a prescription here too.

joystir59 · 24/09/2019 11:06

You work. Dad puts her to bed. Start tonight and stick to it. Your family needs the money you earn. Time for tough love.

PenelopeFlintstone · 24/09/2019 12:15

ndecisivelurcher
Oh do you, got that wrong then! You need a prescription here too. That’s alright Smile You see homeopathic melatonin here and that’s over the counter. Maybe they take that Smile Our version of Which magazine gave it a Shonky Award though Grin

PenelopeFlintstone · 24/09/2019 12:17

FYI melatonin can have negative effects on people who have a history of depression or anxiety. Yeah, I’ve been reading about that. So hard to know how much some actual sleep would help with her moods. Sorry to hijack your thread, OP!! I’ll stop right now.

ClownsandCowboys · 24/09/2019 12:27

There's also some evidence that it can improve depressive symtoms in some people/circumstances. It certainly doesn't cause depression in those without a history of it.

ohrolono · 24/09/2019 12:46

Could she be just playing you?

Of course she is.
Just toughen up with her ffs. Bed means bed. End of. I wouldn't be pandering to that cr@p but so many people do. More fool them when they're knackered and can't cope.

ClownsandCowboys · 24/09/2019 13:01

Not of course. My dd isn't playing me.

managedmis · 24/09/2019 13:06

Soontobe60

It sounds like she's missing you because you're so busy working

^

Lay it on a bit thicker maybe, soon to-be

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/09/2019 13:11

What work do you do? Is it on a computer, can you sit in her room and work?

My youngest was like this. Our routine ended up, bath, bed, story then lights out, I'd sit on the floor with my laptop, my laptop away from her so she couldn't see it, and I'd ignore her and work. Id then start moving closer to the door as the nights went on, after a few weeks I'd sit outside her door, then eventually I'd move into my office.

PenelopeFlintstone · 24/09/2019 13:23

Thanks for that, ClownsandCowboys

PinkPanther27 · 24/09/2019 18:01

I feel your pain and have been there at various stages. What about if you were to physically leave the house one evening a week and your dh told them mummy's gone to work? If you're physically not available I found that helped a lot as they realise their tactics aren't going to work. You could go work at the library or a coffee shop or even just hide downstairs as long as she thinks you've gone. Then you probably need to have a chat with your Manager if they're putting too much work on to you.

Mamasaurus82 · 24/09/2019 18:02

If you're stressed, she might well be picking up on that a bit too. I know you are short of time, but how about DH has them while you have a walk/ run/ yoga/ go meet a friend for an hour before you put her to bed... You like your job, but not the workload, so try talking to hr/ boss about this. If you work 3 days, it should just be days, not nights. I feel for you. Hope you find a way to make it work xx

csigeek · 24/09/2019 18:02

It sure if anyone else asked this already so apologies if they have.
Are you working 3 days and being paid for 3 days but expected to fit 5 days of work in? If so that's unreasonable of your employers. They should not have agreed to cut your hours without the associated reduction of duties. They have absolutely no regard for your work/life balance or mental welfare if they are expecting this of you.