The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

[NOFUCKINGNOPE]

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio

Exdp "There's no such thing as a girl's night out, only girl's going out looking for men while their DP are at home. So no, you're not going out".

My ex would not believe aesthetically pleasing was a phrase. He used to spend 90% of his time plonked in front of his computer yet like many things was incapable of googling it for himself.

Don't wear bobbles round your wrist I don't like the marks

It's only me that you can trust I only want the best for you.

I love that I can finally feel your ribs, you are so fat, ribs makes you so much more attractive.

Your family don't understand

You upset me so much you make me hit you you need to stop.

You dress like a slut

You embarrass me when you behave like that with you so called friends. They don't care about you. They are trying to make you look stupid.

She's a new friend I made.

I would never do anything to hurt you

I would never cheat on you.

You've changed. I don't know who you are anymore.

You need to throw that t shirt out. I don't like it.

Man. When writing it all down it really was a nasty relationship.

He was also convinced that he wrote "Hello" and Lionel Richie had stolen it from his notebook at a party. I'm not an expert on Mr Richie's history but I'm reasonably sure he was never at a house party in Croydon.

I just love this one.

"No I won't put on the heating. Does my name start with Sheikh?"

🙄

‘You see, this is why you need to move in, so you can keep and eye on me and stop me doing stupid things (cheating)’

‘I brought you flowers, they’re at my house, you can see them when you call round’

After going NC, a comment on Instagram ‘My Fav Daughter’ tagged to his eldest daughter. No mention of our special needs daughter.

‘I don’t need to give you any money for DS you get plenty from the government you grabbing bitch’ when trying to enforce the measly £6 a week my son was awarded due to his falsified income. FYI I get child benefit that’s it apparently this makes him exempt from child maintenance, it’s been 8 years I’m obviously not getting it paid anytime soon 🙄

'I love you'.

Clearly NOT, dickhead.

“I do love you, you know.” First and only time he ever said it. When we met to sign divorce papers after two years of separation.

Ex DH (honestly should have heeded the red flag)... almost fucked our wedding, when filling paper work said 'nope he had never been married before'. Found out night b4 handing it all in from ex SIL he had indeed been married about 10 years before.
When questioned DH.... get this....
"It was in Hong Kong it doesn't count here!"

Actual WTF!!! And still I went through with it

You'll never find anyone like me! ' I fucking hope not'

I'd rather you had died than dumped me.

Well not really laughable more unbelievable. At my 18 year old Brothers funeral. "Have you said goodbye, you can get over it now".I don"t think he was being nasty, he just isn"t emotional. Luckily my Husband is a lot more understanding.

My mom said that to me once about whistling being a man thing to do, I laughed at her and told her to stop being sexist, tbf to her she did agree with me that it was sexist

@BeverlyGoldberg no, a G you mean there’s TWO of them??

Ex H after I had a lumber puncture for suspected sub arachnoid haemorrhage (I cried when they hit a nerve with the spinal needle and had a temporary paralysis) "you were embarrassing creating in front of people I know like that". Ex H is a doctor

‘You should want to look into the eyes of the man making love to you’

Yes, maybe that was a clue....

Ex H 'thé holocaust never happened'

My ex regularly tells me our son isn't his responsibility . Prick.

“Women can get STIs from toilet seats”. I’m not sure what bit of me he thought touched the toilet seat!

Almost the worst thing was that I told a friend, who laughed uproariously with me at the folly of men, then told her husband who said “I thought women could catch STIs from toilets too.” FFS what are they teaching them?!

He was a huge health fanatic and once had a massive rant at me about how horrible sausages are, on the way out to dinner, because I said I was going to have pepperoni on my pizza. I ordered double pepperoni when we got there, just to spite him.

We also had an argument about whether it was possible to be too thin to get pregnant. He was obsessed with thinness and obesity and couldn’t accept it’s possible to be too thin.

God he was a dick.

"I won't be seeing the boys anymore, it doesn't suit."

This was two months after separating, I took that call whilst at the school gates waiting for DS1 to come out of reception class and holding hands with DS2 who was at nursery!

He never bothered to see them again. They're 19 and 20 now!

Him (looking in back garden): hey, come and look at this weird snail, it hasn't got a shell

Me: It's a slug

@fairydustandpixies fucking hell, what’s missing in some men?

When he found out I was seeing someone new who he thought was 'posher ' than us: "you'll be reading the Telegraph next!"
DH and I still laugh at that little gem 25 years later and I've even said it to my DH in front of ex who didn't bat an eyelid so clearly doesn t remember saying it.

Most likely - I could trust him 😂