The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

[NOFUCKINGNOPE]

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio

My dad says I have to go home (back to Australia). Can you give me the airfare?

🙄

Oh and my favourite, I don't need to pay for DD because I'm there for her emotionally.
Because emotions put food in her belly and shoes on her feet

I was severely depressed, "you don't care about how you being depressed makes me look, you're so selfish"

Thought of another from someone I saw for about two months.

“Who’s looking after the kids tonight” on every date we went on, usually after I’d had a couple of glasses of wine and was relaxed.

I have one daughter, who was 19 at the time. He’d never met her obviously, and thus decided I was liar had had more, and younger kids.

Not sure which bit annoyed me the most, that he thought I was a liar, or he thought I was so stupid that if I had been lying I’d have fallen for such a lame trap.

That bumble bees were not bees.

“I’ll ask you to marry me if you will have a threesome with X”

I neither wanted to get married or have a threesome

Wasn’t allowed to wear lipstick because it scared him apparently

You look too dressed up for where we are going.
You look ridiculous in heels.
Your gym leggings are obscene and everyone is staring.

This week,
"I can't pay my £50 a week child support (3 months behind) becuase my business turned over £85 thousand - it was all materials and labour, no profit. And i had to register for vat and pay £4k. So I can't pay you anything. Anyway, I've a got (DS1 lviing with me now he's 17) so it needs to reduce to £35 a week for the other 2".

Still better than the £7 a week he sometimes paid me, for 2 years, after he left me pregnant with 3 children under 5. He was in full time profssional employment at the time. Fucking CSA.

After he said he wanted a divorce to 'find himself', after I found out he was actually leaving me for a family member he had been having an affair with and finally moved out, he wanted to come back to the house while I was out to 'pick up his stuff' (he'd already taken his stuff and any of my stuff he could get away with). When I said no, he said 'i'd like to think after 25 years you'd trust me' I nearly pissed myself laughing. He really couldn't understand why I didn't. I had to point out that he hadn't really proved himself trustworthy recently...

"Babies are like puppies, they keep eating even when they're full so you need to stop giving (4 week old) DS so many bottles because you'll make him spoilt"

An ex is musician, horrid ex was jealous of him (he had no reason to be).

Watching random TV show, ex’s music is being played in the background of the show. Horrid ex “you’ve forced me to watch this to rub that horrid little slag in my face” i had to start watching the TV on mute with subtitles on. Funnily enough one of his songs came on when I was watching strictly with my boyfriend last night, it still filled me with fear and genuine surprise that nothing bad came of it.

I earned more than him, every now and again this would annoy him and he would go on a massive rant about not being a rent boy and even if he was there wasn’t enough money in the world for him (or anyone) to have sex with me.

I was sexually assaulted in my early twenties, we were watching a tv show where someone was raped and he said “I bet you enjoyed when he did it to you” I completely lost it and beat him up. Thankfully I finally chucked the wanker out after that little gem.

He was also convinced that he wrote "Hello" and Lionel Richie had stolen it from his notebook at a party. I'm not an expert on Mr Richie's history but I'm reasonably sure he was never at a house party in Croydon

I think that's the funniest thing I've ever seen on Mumsnet!

Not as bad as these but I did receive a text from my boyfriend telling me it wasn't working between us and that I should take some time and not bother going to work tonight. (He lived rent free with his mummy whereas I worked to pay my rent and bills so just not working for the night would have dropped me in the financial shit)
I didn't notice the text message before I went to work but certainly "got the message" when I walked into the pub I was working in and found him on a date. Thankfully my job involved going round to all the pubs in that area so after I saw him I headed off to the next place and pretended I didn't give a shit. He was no great loss but I was irritated at his arrogant cunty behaviour.

After I threw him out, "I know I did all those things but I was getting ready to change but you are only interested in breaking up the family!"

All "those things" included running up £1000's worth of debt that I have been left to pay. Going out to work and not returning for up to five days after "just going for a beer" multiple times, being repeatedly unfaithful with multiple women, pawning household goods when I was away the weekend with our children.

Don't leave me... I can change!!!

😂😂😂😂

'I dont want her watching this shit, she will turn lesbian or something'.

My STBXH when he saw our 17 month old dancing to Rupaul Drag Race opening theme...last week.
Yes. In 2019

“No one else will ever want you because your fat and out of shape” said he who is 11 years older than me and much more ‘out of shape’. He’s now with a woman who is very large 😐 (I’m a size 10).

"You completely misunderstood your diagnosis. There was never any worry that youd actually die of cancer."

It's hard to misunderstand a doctor telling things are pretty bad and could go one of two ways

That when supporting my local football team, where I'd had a season ticket for 5 years (so since before I knew him), I was no longer to jump up and cheer if they scored, as I didn't greet him like that every time I saw him.

Wtf?! Looking back I can't believe I put up with nearly two years of narcissistic, shitty, abusive behaviour.

Currently part way through divorce and H text me this morning
“I’m not bing funny but....”
Never a good start 🤔
“Both Ds & ds have said your getting a new car, so if you do i want the radiator off the old one to try and get some money back!” It broke about a year ago and he paid for the repair As I was a SAHM at the time 😂😂😂

My ex wasn't abusive or particularly horrible, but I remember raising an eyebrow when he dumped me by saying 'I was never actually looking for a girlfriend in the first place'. Weirdly, that hadn't stopped him from saying 'yes' when I asked him out, or from enjoying The Girlfriend Experience for a full year thereafter.

So many. When I was younger I dated some of the worst guys (but the ones that cry and come across as 'nice guys')

Telling me to "hurry up" and dragging me up a road while I was having awful menstrual cramping (I'd literally just went on the pill that month to see if it would help ease them off as I'd passed out and vomited from the pain before). He dragged me so hard my wrist was in agony, so eventually, I pushed him off me with my free hand. This didn't go down well as he then proceeded to grab me and shake me, scream at me for pushing him, (leaving a bruise on my bicep) and slapped me across the face. Before leaving me crying on the street at 3am on my own.

The one that probably annoyed me the most was a guy I'd been dating for just over a month. I'd previously told him I was uncomfortable having sex after the first time for a little while because I felt like I'd rushed into it. He agreed. Of course, I stupidly thought I could trust him, went out drinking with my mates and stayed at his house. He sexually assaulted me. It took a day for me to realise what actually had happened (for some reason I felt like because I hadn't screamed at him to stop it was my own fault). I eventually ended up breaking down and telling him what he did and I never wanted to be anywhere near him again the following night. He, literally said this, as I was going out the door:

"Can I have one last hug?"

One last hug? For the guy that raped me the night before? Are you off your fucking rocker?

Thank goodness all of those dickheads are well and truly in the past.

So many stupid comments.

He passed his driving test a few days after his 17th birthday. That would mean that he passed his test on a major public holiday and I am sure that driving tests do not take place on that day.

He was so skint paying Child Maintenance that he could not buy presents for DC Christmas or Birthdays. There are letters at various stages stating that CSA/CM have failed to get any money from him. The latest letter is a few months old and states the total amount owed. When given the opportunity to face CSA or CM for failure to pass on the money he claims to have paid he refused!

He is so unrealistic. He does not even see that he can be found out.

Not so much funny as depressing, but really made me "see" him for who he was and how he saw me. Two days after my mum died of cancer, my favourite guinea pig died too. He patted my shoulder and said "well, don't know what you expected really, you couldn't keep your mum alive either". Cunt. It took me another month to leave, and he presented me with a bill for everything he had paid for over the last year that he wouldn't have spent if we weren't in a relationship (after he agreed to cover more of our bills so I could go part time to spend more time with my mum before she died). He was such an arse!