The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

[NOFUCKINGNOPE]

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio

I was banned from singing bass, also because it was too manly.

I love you.

me ; I don't love you any more and want a divorce'

him : 'OK,OK, we'll have another baby if you really want''

I had never asked for nor wanted another baby with him....wtaf planet was he on :)

He didn't like the way I walked, with my head down looking miserable, and I was doing it to annoy him as when we met I walked differently and had confidence.

When I told him I was pregnant:

“That explains a lot, i’ve been telling people you were getting fat”

I also had 'All the things that you do wrong, I should have just realised that that's what makes you you, and accepted that'.

Almost word for word what my ex said to me after we broke up. Apparently what I wore embarrassed him but he put up with it because he loved me and he realised it made me different and quirky. It was a bloody scarf, you dozy twat!

'if you lost a bit of weight, I'd not be such an arsehole to you as I'd respect you more'

Yeah alright then. Fuck off.

I’m not having an affair.

I don’t pay maintenance because you’re over weight and will die soon so I’ll have to bring the children up myself.

Needless to say, he was having an affair and my overweight self is still alive and kicking some 12 years later

Walking away from our first ever couples counselling session:

“You made me look a right twat in there”

No, you’re the only one who can make yourself look like a twat at couples counselling & my, you did a good job of it!!

I'd like to pay less so my wife and I can have a baby.... (the money he pays is they only thing his done in 7 years first time he makes contact and I just laughed)

That I was mentally ill. The fact he was under a cpn at the time escaped him.

That I would never amount to anything without him. Well I bought my own home, passed my financial exams, and learnt what not to look for in a man!

Your hat makes you look like a retard, it's no wonder people can't respect you (I had a woolly hat on once)

He was also convinced that he wrote "Hello" and Lionel Richie had stolen it from his notebook at a party. I'm not an expert on Mr Richie's history but I'm reasonably sure he was never at a house party in Croydon.

"I'm glad you're leaving cos I'm going to find a younger model and get her pregnant."

We'd been together 10 years without falling pregnant (not trying) and within 3 months of getting with my now DH I was pregnant with twins.

To be fair to him he then went on to meet someone else and have 2 DC with her

"I'm training you how to be a normal person"

When I was upset and confused about him simply walking out and after twenty years, I asked him if he had ever loved me, if had been special. 'Yeah,' he sneered, 'You were special - just not that special.' Luckily I was on the phone at the time and he couldn't see the tears. I recovered myself and said 'Great - I'll have that made into a t-shirt!'

@doodlejump1980 I think I have been out with the same guy. Did his first name begin with a P?

SO many 😂
I wasn’t allowed to watch X factor because I was ‘contributing to all the problems with current society’

That I am a completely emotionally unaware cunt because I have a stressful job (social worker) and sometimes I would come home after a really hard day and cry because of something really difficult - this impacted on his evening and therefore I was selfish because it’s enough for me to be upset I shouldn’t force that on to other people?!

Oh! And my favourite! That I was a psychopathic moron and he was worried that I was going mad so he was going to force me to give our 3 day old formula and if I disagreed he’d take him away to his mums.
The problem was actually that I hadn’t slept at all because he wouldn’t do anything to help and would constantly bully and control everything I was doing.

Ugh

‘You treat me like a cash cow’

Alright love, you’re not a footballer and all I asked for was a pair of £4 Tesco school trousers

Oh so many.

No one will want you now - erm yeah they did

You're disgusting and embarrassingly fat - well your mate didn't seem bothered

I've got a strong and secure career and you're on the shelf now - he lost his job after a sexual harassment claim around 5 weeks after we split up. He's in an entry level admin job now. I'm a band 7 nurse. I trained as a nurse shortly after we split up.

You'll never have another kid - pregnant now

Sad thing is I believed him for years and clung to him desperately. Ive lived my absolute best life without him.

Ooh. Adamantly and indignantly denied lying to me when he had promised to move to another country with me but had securely made plans to move back to his own home country. This was not a lie as apparently you can't lie by omission. He was furious to be accused of lying.

“You’ll never meet anyone as good as me, or who will treat you better...”

He was a prick of the highest order, emotionally abusive and very insecure.

He was also convinced that he wrote "Hello" and Lionel Richie had stolen it from his notebook at a party. I'm not an expert on Mr Richie's history but I'm reasonably sure he was never at a house party in Croydon.

"It's weird how few people have heard of Led Zeppelin."

He had a superiority complex and wanted to believe he was special for liking unusual bands. I actually fell over laughing.

As a man I resist my natural urges to sleep with other women, so you should resist your natural urge to want children. I do have children now, but thankfully not with that bellend.

Ahhh fond memories of my first love

"If you dump your new boyfriend (now my DH) and come back to me I'm willing to let you tell a few people you're my official girlfriend."

We'd been with each other for a few years and he used the 'we're not official" excuse anytime he cheated, although heaven forbid I even glanced at a other male.