The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

[NOFUCKINGNOPE]

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio

When e was taking some if his stuff he complained that I'd not given him a drink of coffee or anything to eat, completely forgetting that he'd accused me of putting ground glass ín some food and drink I'd offered him last time he was taking things. I found some cans of pop and things wrapped up and left them out for him so he couldn't accuse me. I have subsequently discovered that ground glass us pretty inert and in small quantities at least would do oi harm, but I have never used it as an ingredient in anything and don't intend to at any point in the future

Not sure this is laugh out loud material it’s more but when reconciling with my dp he said he needed to move some stuff out of a house share into his new flat and asked for my help. I thought nothing of it and we went straight upstairs to collect his stuff, he grabbed his jumper and he wrestled me on the bed and we had sex and then we left. Transpired it wasn’t a house share it was his exes house and her bed. I found this out a long time after.

He has since made up for this cataclysmic fuck up but it was truly awful.

"If you go away to university I don't know if I will be able to stay faithful"

I graduated 3 years later. Fuck that shit.

Are you going to dress like that for the rest of your life? (on mat leave with new baby, Miles from friends and family)

No I’m not married, whatever made you think that. Turned out he was married with twin DD’s. Best liar I’ve ever encountered.

‘Have you got special needs?’ This was repeated any time I disagreed with him. ‘You are the most selfish person I’ve ever known’ when I deigned to go out with my friends without him. And when I did go out he’d text me asking me to come home to him. Thank goodness he’s well and truly in the past!

‘I’d fancy you a lot more if you lost some weight and then I’d be able to get it up’. Nothing to do with being an alcoholic then?! Same Ex has since messaged more than once to inform me I was the best shag he’s ever had

Latest one, following a row where he said he was leaving ‘can you find me a hotel to go to?’

KeepYourGinUpHigh that reminds me of my ex so much.

I used to get asked if I was retarded, stupid, did my parents not teach me anything etc etc if I disagreed with him. The patronising, it's not your fault your parents didn't teach you properly he's a classic 'thinks he's smarter than everyone' prick.

Also the selfish if I didn't do something with him. Selfish for going out with friends when he didn't have any money (because he'd spent it all on weed), even though I was the one paying all the bills because he'd sit on his arse all day playing computer games and getting high.

He'd call me all the names under the sun, throw things at me, shove me, get in my face to the point I had to lock myself in the bathroom whilst he was headbutting the door trying to get in and then as if nothing had happened, tell me he needed a lift to wherever (because he couldn't drive).

Absolute tosser.

''Your personality detracts from your looks.'' we split up shortly after.

'' I will really miss your minestrone soup. '' After i had split up, on friendly terms with another ex. Erm, Thanks,

"No way, I would never sleep with her, we're close but she's like my sister!"

About his house mate...

He was of course, sleeping with her!

He didn't tell me because he liked me too and hoped I would understand that he couldn't choose!

I made that one very easy for him.

Mine is my partners ex:

Rings ex crying “our (6 year old) son just doesn’t seem to want to see me, he cries for you and is crying for you now even though I’m trying to see him”

Errrrrrrrm it’s probably because you left when he was 1 and haven’t fucking bothered with him since!

To clarify. By rings ex crying I mean rings my partner crying 🙈

“You’ll never find anyone else like me”
Good!!!!!

'I didn't forget. I would have remembered if I forgot'
Ok, genius.

I know this is an old thread, but doing some thinking and I often come to MN for a sanity check!
Here are mine;

When he was bent emotionally awful towards me, he quoted Marilyn Monroe at me and said ‘if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best’.

That I need to date someone who is a pushover and who is monotone because I asked not to be shouted and sworn at

That I am not a supportive enough partner because I didn’t buy and wrap his family’s Christmas presents for him (we both worked full time, and obviously I did all of my own)

When he was awful to me, I said I sometimes questioned what sort of person he is. His response was ‘what sort of partner insinuates their partner is a bad person’

Ultimately, when I realised marrying him would be a massive mistake and called it off, he threatened to sue me for damages.

Phew! I may be typing into the abyss and don’t expect anyone to have gotten this far, but today it feels cathartic!!

I bought and wrapped up his family's presents, for Christmas, birthdays, and any other presents necessary, and I still wasn't supportive enough, so good on you for having him sort out presents for his own family

I know this is a zombie thread but I'm enjoying it very much.

as much as I know it’s crap dealing with it, it’s always nice getting some solidarity! I was never supportive enough either, even when my needs were always second place. Easier to keep him happy and not worry about myself which says something doesn’t it!

Ooh, I felt that one. I was taking medication for depression and doctor said it was OK to continue through pregnancy. But I felt my mood dip, so they linked me in with MIMHS for support. Two months after the birth he said "probably best you end stuff with MIMHS now, I dont want it to reflect badly on us".

You've put on some weight haven't you (went from a 10 to a 12 after we got married), he said this whilst his 20 stone lard arse was lying on the couch.... he was 14 st when I met him

When I’d ended my marriage he said “you won’t cope without me”.

When we had an argument last year because he was declaring an income of 5k a year and not paying maintenance. He said “unfortunately you earn more than me at the moment”. What, like it’s hard??

‘I’m sorry , I know I’m a twat, I’m just impulsive’

This resonates so much with me!! I was hot as fuck when I was younger due to years of dancing. My ex told me I needed to lose some weight! I was 9 fucking stone.
He’s bald now with a white beard and still single.
I’m 55 ,weigh twice what I did then but still married to my absolutely drop dead gorgeous half Italian DH. 😁

If only there was an alternative to men other than lesbianism. They wouldn't get a look in.

Not sure it counts because no words were spoken but he fell asleep during couples counselling. Apparently he was bored.

After I gave birth to put first child, "don't make me ever go through that again".