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Original poster

The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

505 replies

NOFUCKINGNOPE · 22/09/2019 18:34

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio Grin

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 23/09/2019 22:12

"Any woman who's slept with more than 5 men is a slag"
"I've slept with six men"
"...not you. You're different because I love you".

Hmm

He REALLY hated women. I stayed with him because I was young and stupid and too much of a coward to dump him.

When I finally did dump him he also said he'd "ruin my life in this town". God job I was off to Uni then 😂

GiveUsACoffee · 23/09/2019 22:13

“You’re putting on weight because we don’t have enough sex.” Yep, could be, and that chocolate is waaay more satisfying

BusyDoingNothingx · 23/09/2019 22:22

@IAmTheMumWhoKnocks omg hahahahaha

BusyDoingNothingx · 23/09/2019 22:26

I once had a share bag of Doritos to myself because why not 🤷🏻‍♀️ he said to me 'you'll get really fat' I was a size 8 😂.
He was a bloody weirdo anyway.. shortly after I broke up with him he made up I was pregnant but had an abortion... his family turnt up at my door and I was like WTF... obviously not true. They demanded I leave him alone but funny thing was I blocked him across social media and phone I had NC because he was bat shit! Found out a year later he was still carrying on with this lie ... 😂😂

happycamper11 · 23/09/2019 22:28

When DD1 was born we lived abroad when she was a baby we took on running a bar. After a while I was told I should stay away in the evenings as the female customers come to see him and it's bad for business if they know he has a partner and child (like he thought he was some sort of celeb Grin) it was true to a point but only because he gave them all free drinks

Imonlydoingwhatican · 23/09/2019 22:32

"Im not really his dad anymore" (split 3 years and lmnow dh moved in 18 mtha prior) "so if you ask me not to be involved i will walk away"
Should have agreed barely saw him, still doesnt, twice this year. Hes now 18 (with asd) and refuses to collect him or pay for travel costs for him becuase hes 18 (doesnt take into account mental age is about 13) twat.

Babysharkisanearworm · 23/09/2019 22:32

Serial shagger in denial to a sadly faithful me.
Me, observing a small round plaster in the crook of his elbow..
Have you had a blood test?
Him: no, I dropped my (safety) razor and cut myself.
Me: hmm....
Him, a week later, um, you better book into the sti clinic, I have chlamydia...probably caught it from you.

About to go into emergency surgery for severe abdo pain, the doc wanted to run a quick pregnancy test before deciding if it was a strangled ovarian cyst or an ectopic...
It's not mine.

He took a call from his side bird. He was pretending he couldn't hear anyone. I could hear her from across the room!

Phone call to me after I had left him and finally found happiness with a new man
I forgive you. Just come back and we will say no more about it.

Skittlesandbeer · 23/09/2019 22:33

On holiday, walking through Amsterdam on a beautiful sunny day. In a cheery sort of tone, while holding my hand, ex says ‘I don’t like those shorts you’re wearing, you look like one of the old shop-window prostitutes.’

They were perfectly normal mid-thigh denim shorts. I gave him a chance to retract his comment. He refused. I booked a flight back home for myself. Before I left, I rang his mum (who I got on very well with). She said ‘Oh yes, his dad used to say things like that all the time to me.’

I never spoke to him again. I’m so glad I had such strong self-esteem as a young woman. One red flag was always enough back then.

PhilSwagielka · 23/09/2019 22:34

ITT: a lot of men who really, really hate fat women. I wonder how many of them were fat themselves.

Woodlandwitch · 23/09/2019 22:38

My ex was fat himself yes. Even fatter now I hear

TypingoftheDead · 23/09/2019 23:02

Also, look how many end up with fat women in spite of "hating" them. I find that kind of weird (in the same way I find men who hate women still insisting on having a wife/girlfriend - that's like me having a pet spider).
Luckily I haven't had to put up with much BS from men (I'm happier being single), but I do have this:
One boyfriend who I was still with at the time, told me it would take me longer to pass my driving test than him as I was a girl (it didn't. It took him 18 months, and although I failed the theory test twice by very narrow margins, I passed it third time and the practical first time, after about a year).

Adultchild · 23/09/2019 23:08

"My mum would like us not to hold hands in public. Its indecent."
He was 32. I actually laughed!
He then tried to justify it by saying she was 70 and that's how it was for her growing up. I couldn't stop laughing, responded "What? In the 60s?!""

IAmTheMumWhoKnocks · 23/09/2019 23:18

@Krisskrosskiss lives in a van lol

DoveOfPiss · 23/09/2019 23:21

I've got a few. I was younger then, and stupid.
XH refused to believe I had PND, said I was using it as an excuse not to go back to work, there was no such thing and it was a conspiracy between me and the GP to stop him looking after our DD all day after working night shifts.

XP believed people were breaking into our house, injecting poison into the wine bottles through the corks, adding arsenic to his coffee, I was poisoning him (to the extent that he wouldn't eat anything I cooked even though he'd stand there watching me cook it and serve it up to everyone else), I was having affairs left right and centre while he was at work (I finished work at 1.30pm, get home at 2, maybe grab a sandwich, leave for nursery pickup at 2.30 and go straight to school pickup from there) it would have been nice to have time for an affair!!
The four peaches are that he'd allegedly seen men coming and going into our home from the end of the road; he'd be lying in bed trying to sleep and listening to me having sex with men in our living room - when I asked why he didn't come down and confront me/them, he said because it would upset him too much.
He said to our relationship counsellor that I'd given him Chlamydia when our DS was a year old. I was so worried about this (although deep down knew I'd never had it) that I went and got tested. I haven't even got any antibodies so there's no way I've ever been infected. Tosser.
He told the same counsellor that our two youngest DC weren't his. Refused to do a DNA test because I'd probably sleep with the tester person to get the right result.
Oh, and I was also sleeping with the counsellor and that's why he agreed with me 🤔
Agree with a previous PP that it is terrifying trying to reason with someone who isn't thinking rationally. His relationship with his kids is now seriously damaged due to his behaviour. Yet he still believes there is nothing wrong with him, it's still all my fault.

IAmTheMumWhoKnocks · 23/09/2019 23:22

All these are reminding me of my dick head of an ex.

He goes after dating a few weeks ‘I don’t normally date girls like you, they are normally taller, slimmer and dress smart’

  • I was a personal trainer, I am short and I was a size 8.

Then apart from the usual shit like dumping me and kicking me and the kids out of HIS house at random times of the night (thankfully I kept
MY house so we could always go home). he broke up with me cause I cleaned the whole house top to bottom but left the butter on the side (I had just made toast and hadn’t finished eating yet!)

Happymum12345 · 23/09/2019 23:40

“Get out of my house”. Married for 17 years & joint mortgage. I really don’t know why we’re together.

Happymum12345 · 23/09/2019 23:41

Just realised this post is about ex’s. Not dh-I’ll save mine for later!

supermommyof4 · 23/09/2019 23:57

Threatening to kill himself whenever things didn't go his way. Looking back it was ridiculous, said he had nothing to live for..he has 4 kids for go sake surely that's enough. He used the threats to try and control me, until I grew wise to it.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 24/09/2019 00:04

My ex once stopped speaking to me for a week over a carrier bag.

JocastaElastic · 24/09/2019 00:44

Not my ex, but my partner, once informed me that my mood swings were due to the early stages of the menopause - at the time of this diagnosis I was ( very obviously) eight months pregnant with our second child!

Baddit · 24/09/2019 06:30

@Navisprite

"It's me or the cats" - this has to be my favourite. no contest there...

Baddit · 24/09/2019 06:41

Visiting my son in SCBU at just 1 day old, after giving birth unexpectedly at 33 weeks, my exDH looks at my tum and asks "How long does it take to lose the baby weight?". I am 5ft 8 and a size 8 but had 'ballooned' to a size 10 in pregnancy.

Struggled on with mr sensitive for another 18 months and then managed to ditch an impressive 75kg in one go...

Nexa · 24/09/2019 07:37

I got a tirade of verbal abuse because I hung the washing out while he was building a shed. The washing wasn't near him, wasn't getting in his way, he was building the shed at the other end of the garden where the washing line didn't even go to. But, apparently I was "thick as fuck" for doing something so "obviously" stupid.

My stupid act of hanging washing out at the same time as him building a shed meant he had to storm out and go on a drink and drugs binge for 2 days and sleep with someone else to teach me a lesson.

CodyBurns · 24/09/2019 08:42

“I don’t think women are inferior, I just think you are”

Charming.

Lowlandlucky · 24/09/2019 08:58

ThatssomebadhatHarry He was a utter fuckwit. Even one of the women he stalked said we should start a --/- victim support group. He had a tick list that was as follows
1 She had to be going through a hard time ( he would be the Knight )
2 No more than 2 children
3 Her parents had to own a house
4 She couldn't have more than 1 sibling
He really is a piece of work, he even managed to worm his way into an old school friends life whilst her Mother was dying of cancer, he went on the family's final Christmas holiday to a Scottish Island and made a suprise proposal to this woman, promised her Father and dying Mother he would treasure their Daughter. He was still married to me !