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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

505 replies

NOFUCKINGNOPE · 22/09/2019 18:34

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio Grin

OP posts:
RoyalChocolat · 24/09/2019 15:08

@GabsAlot I am not offended Smile

I have asked for advice on the Relationships board a few times, following various "incidents". The answer was always a unanimous LTB. I guess I am a coward.

I am trying to work on my self-esteem.

A couple of weeks ago, at the dinner table, he told our 4 DCs "I have never been in love", so I doubt our marriage can be saved.

Rainbunny · 24/09/2019 15:26

I can't remember it word for word but this guy I saw for a few months refused to accept that most women need some foreplay to help climax and there be something wrong with me because every woman he had ever been with before me had no problems climaxing with him (just banging away in missionary style.) The discussion arose out of his discomfort with the fact that I was honest about not climaxing with him and explaining why, after that I realised that his previous partners had likely been faking their orgasims. It's not as though he was an young inexperienced guy, we were both in our thirties!

We mutually ended things right after that, me so I that I could find a man who was fun and giving in bed (my DH Grin) and him so he could presumably find a partner who wasn't defective and requiring foreplay (or fun... )

slimeyjoe · 24/09/2019 15:53

After I woke up in intensive care having been put into a drug induced coma following a HUGE asthma attack.. ‘You should apologise to my mother for this (the asthma attack)selfish behaviour’

GabsAlot · 24/09/2019 16:18

Sorry to hear that i hope the future is a better for you @RoyalChocolat

GabsAlot · 24/09/2019 16:20

Slimey how dare you be ill!

Zaphodsotherhead · 24/09/2019 16:24

Oh yes, recent XP - 'are you going out in your pyjamas?' (I was wearing yoga pants)...

Rowenaravenclawsdiadem · 24/09/2019 16:28

My ex told me that our dd had attachment issues because I was upset after he left me.

Well, quite.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 24/09/2019 16:31

Your thighs are too long, I think we should explore surgery.

Emmas1985 · 24/09/2019 16:39

Not funny but the thing that always stuck with me

Him: im going to kill you
Me: Really? Come round and i’ll Give you the knife cause I’m sick of you threatening me
Him: you what? What are you talking about I’ve never threatened to kill you, your mad it’s all in your head

Needless to say we found out shortly after he was an absolute psycho who tried to kill himself, ended up in court having his child contact removed and a restriction order on coming near our home.... Exes who’d have them 🙈

Sweetpea55 · 24/09/2019 17:10

Both of us suffering from D&V. You can look after the kids because you don't look as ill as I feel

Buttons4me · 24/09/2019 17:17

I'm your husband I have a right to touch parts of you.

burritofan · 24/09/2019 17:25

"You can't just make the unilateral decision to break up with me, that's not how relationships work. It has to be mutual. You're to come back and discuss this, and we'll manage the dissolution [he actually said this!] in the following way:"

There followed a 3,000 word essay, with numbered and bullet-pointed sections, on how a mutual break-up would work if that was the course of action we chose. All this after he shoved me into a wall because I wouldn't agree to a lifetime rule where I only ever walked on his left. (Also laughable!)

Dullardmullard · 24/09/2019 17:36

I,have rights to your body we’re married. This said 3 weeks after me giving birth and him thinking I’m having sex regardless. The knee in the nuts soon sorted that out sadly I didn’t leave when I should of. Took another few year to escape. At our daughters wedding he comes up and goes we could of made it er no ta this was 26 years later.

allotmentgardener · 24/09/2019 19:11

Whist walking in on me going to the toilet and getting told to f off "why can't I watch you anyone would think you're my girlie" Confused

"You are too stupid to get promoted" (since been promoted twice)

"You are too fat to run" (now done 5 marathons at sub 4h)

"'m waiting for the fast train so I can jump in front of it."

"Its really easy to cheat in (profession) loads of people do it but you can trust me" (repeatedly which started sounding like a stealth boast so I looked on his computer and found home made videos of him and numerous other ladies and nudes of me I hadn't consented to.

Wish I'd left sooner. Arsehole.

ScoobyCan · 24/09/2019 19:41

"Your household management skills are ineffective."

😐

gothicsprout · 24/09/2019 20:10

Have you thought about going blonde? I’ve just always wanted a blonde girlfriend.

  • I am a life long brunette. This gem offered up after 4 years together. He dumped me shortly afterwards and found said blonde girlfriend in swift succession. Good riddance.
thequeenoftarts · 24/09/2019 21:33

FUCK ME...I am so glad I am single now........And after reading this thread, and having my own lovely, wonderful experiences with men, I am staying single lol

fedupslummymummy · 24/09/2019 22:01

I’ve read this entire thread and I never realised there were so many men who went to the same school of utter fuckwittery as my ex. Fortunately for me the trash took itself out but one of my worst moments was when I’d broken my arm and was in plaster from shoulder to wrist. He was watching me trying to change DDs nappy one handed with a sinister and cruel smile on his face. He said “you’re even more fucking useless now than you ever were, I’m not staying any more” and pushed me over on to my front. Fortunately he didn’t and my DCs (now in their late teens) have no memory of their abusive father. Hugs to all you ladies out there that have had to endure cruelty from the person they thought loved them the most.

Blueuggboots · 24/09/2019 22:10

Let's move abroad....a week after he'd moved out.
My reply? "Don't be fucking stupid. I doing want to be with you in this country, why do you think I'd want to be with you in a different one?"

Flynnshine · 24/09/2019 22:13

"You look like a heroin addict"
When I was still pretty spaced out after surgery to remove cancer on my cervix!

"I think we should break up"
When he turned up back home, waking me up at 5am on a Sunday morning having not been home after his 'quick drink with the lads' on the Friday night. His life revolved around beer and drugs.

"You'll come back, you'll never meet someone who will put up with you like I do..."

He's now on his SECOND marriage in 9 years with 3 kids. I'm still with the man I met 6 months after our break up 10 years ago.

The best thing I ever did was walk out on him and tell him to go fuck himself!

ThatCurlyGirl · 24/09/2019 22:34

@fedupslummymummy

Fuck me what an evil bastard, that's such a twisted thing to do it's really unsettling to read about it so I can't imagine how it felt happening first hand. So pleased to hear he is well and truly in the past Thanks

Flamingnora123 · 24/09/2019 23:39

Screamed in my face, "YOU'RE A WHORE! YOU SLEEP WITH MEN FOR MONEY!" It did end the argument though as I realised he was completely demented.

Onetwistedsista · 25/09/2019 11:33

When i discovered he cheated. His response, ' yes ok i had sex with another woman. I make love to you. And in any case, what does that have to do with us? Our relationship is one thing. That is completely separate. Nothing to do with us'.
Yes. I kid you not. That was his response. I had no words and left after a 18 month relationship

littlejlb · 25/09/2019 20:47

A previous ex of money, left me for another women, she moved in the day I moved oout. He went on to marry and have 2 kids with her. Numerous times he messaged as he 'wanted to meet up'. I'm now happily married myself with 1 DC and just last year received a message asking if I fancied an affair. Told him politely what he could do with his offer.

Euromillsplz · 25/09/2019 20:56

Just oh my God. I could comment on every single last one of these (including the comedy ones about Lionel Richie/owls).
But here's a display of solidarity for every single one of you. Flowers

It's depressing how many of these gibbering manbabies there are out there, comedy though they can be at times. (Murderous fragile freaks mostly).

I've never started a thread on here, but am considering asking for tales of genuine love and loyalty as I've lost hope that theres anyone decent out there! Although happily single and have been for eons.

My sociopath was a bit spesh. Sooooooo many examples of mind blowing fuckwittery I wouldn't know where to begin.

Off the top of my head.. he had an unusual (I think) habit of very very occasionally laying everything bare (and I dont mean the maggot). He'd admit his failings in a disturbingly honest breakdown. (Unsettling for such a prolific liar)

One such gem was to admit he was jealous of all the attention I was getting while giving birth to our child. During actual labour.

As a side note, he hasn't seen said child for nearly 5 years (my fault obviously)... er.