The most laughable thing your ex ever said to you?

[NOFUCKINGNOPE]

Was driving along before and started whistling to a son on the radio and it made me laugh.

My ex was an emotionally abusive piece of shit but one comment always stuck with me because of how utterly stupid it was.

I wasn't allowed to whistle. Because... Whistling was 'manly' and he didn't like me 'acting like a bloke'.

It was to the point where I would apologise if I ever caught myself whistling and he'd be glaring at me.

There are many many other stupid, illogical, disturbed things he used to say and comment on but this one gave me a chuckle today and I whistled extra loud to the radio

Christ, I had an abusive ex when I was quite a bit younger. He once told me I was ‘more channel 4 and he was BBC four’ . I said ‘so you’re the boring one then?’ and he rolled his eyes like it proved his point. We were in our late teens ffs, BBC 4 still doesn’t really intrigue me now...

He also once said he’d kill me if I wasn’t so beautiful .

An ex was giving me £25 a week for our son, then me a new girlfriend after a couple of weeks and stopped seeing him for a couple of months then turned up and I said you owe me a couple of months money for ds he said sorry I don’t do back pay he stopped paying and seeing ds 10 years ago

Another ex

In 9 months we never went out, no dates, no dinners, nothing. Just sat in his or my house because he was "waaaay too skint" to spend money on us going out. Ever. Just a luxury he couldn't afford, even if I went halves with him.

He got a new job, started earning more, but still too skint to for us to go out.

Then he joined the LADIES darts team at work and was going out several nights a week to pubs with them playing darts. Buying booze, food, contributing to mini bus costs for trips to various pubs and darts games/competitions. Socialising with the darts time outside of games. But was still too fucking skint to go out with me, even cancelling coming to see me one time as he needed to save money for his next darts trip.

He genuinely couldn't understand why I was so hurt and angry and said I was acting like a spoiled brat when we argued about it over the phone one night. So I dumped him there & then and asked him to return my things that I'd left at his house.

"No I won't return them, I will continue to save them here for when you come to your senses. I'll wait here for you until you stop being silly"

I reckon he's still sat there 12 yrs later waiting for me to stop my silliness!

Abusive partner.

Look after your own problems, like I do mine. I can't be here for you right now (whilst I was miscarrying our baby)

If you don't like me hitting your child, fuck off out my house (so I did)

If we have sex less your fanny won't be so baggy

If you lost weight I would introduce you to my friends (he had none anyway)

If you lose weight I will marry you (i'm average weight and well above average height).

"I'd never do that to you Armadiloes [steely stare] I'm not my dad!"

Later found evidence that he'd cheated - compulsive liar he is!

When asked about financially supporting his child properly (child maintenance)

"How am I supposed to live!" - eh the same way I've been while paying £1k worth of childcare costs myself!

Oh and I had another one that I dumped and he said him and his friend were going to come and find me, chop me up and throw me in the river near my flat 😑

He didn't need to go to counselling (emotionally and occasionally physically abusive). Because he knew exactly what they'd tell us. They would tell us we needed to have more sex.

As if that would solve all our (his) problems. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who regularly treated me like shit.

"You think I'm trading in for a younger model? Don't be stupid" Said my ex when I questioned his 'friendship' with the new work colleague 15 years his junior.

6 months later I found out the truth.

The only thing that cheers me about this thread is that my ex thought he was just SO special and unique. And he was just the same as every other sad twat on here.

Although he never claimed to be Lionel Richie 🤣

If you weren't so fat I would have sex with you (I was a size 10 and 5'10)

Your friends are bad influences on you (mainly because they had my best interest at heart unlike my shitbag ex)

All couples fight (after giving me my first bruise)

You can't go to work anymore, there's too many men there (when locking me in the house and removing all the phones)

You must be sleeping with your best friend (after locking me out the house, and then sleeping in the guest room, so I was forced to share a room with my friend who refused to let me come home to him alone)

I own you now (the day we were married)

Wow - he was such a catch - pity I didn't see it at the time and gave the fucker 7 years of my life

"It's all about money with you." Says the man who, when he moved out, tried to rinse me for every penny, including a share of my mortgage that I paid on my own for the first year we lived together (he moved into my house before we got a place together).

I take great delight now that the OW has moved in with him, she doesn't work so he has to pay for everything and is constantly doing overtime to pay for her! The five-figure payout he got from me appears to have already gone after three years!

Mine was told me (and was deadly serious) that he just could not do the washing up. It was like a condition. It made him sick, he was basically allergic to doing it and if I even suggested that it was just because he was a lazy twat then I was unsupportive and horrible.

Funny because he didn't do anything fucking else in the house either.

Oh and everything was a competition. If I just came home from work and said 'bloody hell I'm knackered today' it would turn into an hour long spiel about how I couldn't possibly be as tired as he was because blah blah blah.

The only thing that cheers me about this thread is that my ex thought he was just SO special and unique. And he was just the same as every other sad twat on here

So true 😂

An OLD as we went to our respective cars which coincidentally were parked next to each other in the pub car park. He looked at my shiny, high-powered sports car next to his 20 year old Sierra with a line of rust along the side where the trim used to be and said ‘I don’t know why you think you need a car like this. A little runaround would do you’. Fortunately, I had already decided that we wouldn’t be meeting again. 😂

We only row because YOU won't do as you're told!

I told him that the ring was on my finger, not through my nose ........

Only on page 11 but what a lot have a morbid obsession about our weight/ looks/ height

@dowser and I'm sure they're all Daniel Craig like too...

chrisie I snorted at the ring was on my finger, not through my nose........

He showed me a pic of his ex to say how much slimmer she was than me

He wrote me a list of everything wrong with me. Apparently no bloke wants his mates to see a fat bird on their arm

Your job isn't good enough and you need to work longer hours - working full time with a 3 year old whilst he didn't work and played games all day long.

He used to be a snipper and that he was also blown up in the army (all lies)

another lie was him saying he never hit a women and hated confrontation (he did to his ex's and then to my child)

I'll skip the most hurtful ones, but here are some that I laugh about :

• Women who wear make-up have no self-respect.
• A woman has nothing to do outside the house after 6PM.
• You don't work, you sit on a chair (I'm a teacher)
• "I don't hate women but..."

(I am still married to him)

All this obsession with calling women “fat”! It comes up again and again.

"No one will love you like I do"
"You look like shit, put some make up on before we go out"
Can't remember the exact wording but something along the lines of "Yes I know that I cheated on my last DP with this woman, but she is just a friend so I don't see the issue with meeting her for a drink later"
after meeting said woman for a drink "My friends saw us out in town and thought we were a couple by how close me and her were"
(when we were still in college) "I missed my bus so you need to miss your first class to drop me at college".
"Yes I flirted with her last night, but it was via messages so it doesn't count"
"Your mum is a fucking psychopath for warning you about my behaviour"
"You shouldn't take that new job, I don't care if it's better paid, you'll meet lots of new guys there and it will impact our relationship badly"
(After he broke up with me) "My friends convinced me to leave you, but you should still have sex with me, no feelings involved though"

....fuck, reading these back, I was an idiot to be with him for so long! Sorry, I feel like I had some emotional baggage to release :(

"It's a partners duty to keep themselves looking attractive for each other, there's no excuse to let yourself go after having a baby" - said whilst he was overweight and prior to us even trying for a kid

Using my name as a verb for getting things wrong i.e Oh no you've really SheilasFeeled this up haven't you. After negotiation he agreed to only do this when I burnt food.

Called me stupid a couple of times even though he knows that's the one insult that really upsets me.

Told me that, after he'd achieved his career goal, it wouldn't be fair for him to be the main breadwinner while I pursued my lifelong goal of getting a PhD. Instead, I should get a 'little part time job' so I could be around for the kid and would bring in enough to cover extras like getting a cleaner and going on holiday.

A lot of things!
'No I'm not seeing someone else'
'She's a good friend.'
'You're jealous of all my female friends.' (With good reason, it turns out)
'You don't understand me or my music.' (DSis and I refer to him as The Lone Groover.)
'We didn't start seeing each other til after we'd seperated.'
'You wanted me to leave.'
All his particular brand of bullshit, I wish her joy, the silly moo married him!

There are so many
I’m only going to fix her car (woman he’d admitted to having an affair with but it was over)
Nobody else will ever want you
The gin and tonic on the receipt was for the barmaid
The condoms found in his briefcase he was looking after for a colleague who was having an affair and didn’t want his wife to see them
You won’t get anything from sale of house cause your name isn’t on mortgage (my solicitor put something on the land registry which meant he couldn’t sell it without agreeing to a settlement with me

No offence meant @royalchocolat but why?