To not understand women who go with married men?

[Pennypringles]

I know I'm old fashioned and have a really strong moral compass but I just don't understand it!
Obviously I know it takes two to tango and all that but I would never go with someone's husband however much "his wife doesn't understand him".

One I knew wanted somebody who was 'already sorted'. She saw secure job, wife, house, car, holidays and baby and thought if she could get him to leave his wife, not only would she know he actually really loved her, there would be half the value of a house, the family car and his salary to get her into homeownership and not having to work by 24. She was looking for somebody to look after her and keep her in the manner her father had done for her mother.

It didn't end well. The first one she pursued was skint because he'd immediately signed everything over to his wife out of guilt/responsibility. He genuinely loved her, but love doesn't pay rent, buy her a new car and more than three flights to New York for her and friends whilst he stayed at work/home.

The next one did well (fairly) out of his divorce and had a great job. And then he enjoyed himself greatly with screwing one of her friends. It did cross my mind that she mourned the loss of the BMW and parents' villa in Portugal and of face with so many knowing he'd been seeing the friend for 8 months more than the loss of the man himself.

Eventually, she found one that wasn't already married, owned his own house outright and, as far as I know, has lived happily ever after.

Go with really is an antiquated term.

Maybe some people meet their soulmate and it happens that person is already married to someone else. Yes it’s shit but I don’t believe in lifetime monogamy.

They are both as bad as each other. The woman knew about you and he knew he was being a deceitful arsehole.
He will probably cheat on her though. Then she will know exactly how it feels.

I agree. Very off putting. Especially if there are children involved. Horrible.

OP you claim you’re not blaming the OW so why did you word your thread title to insinuate that you are? Why didn’t you instead ask ‘to not understand why married men choose to have affairs with other women?’

Here we go. Ffs people it's perfectly fine to be pissed off with both people who have fucked you over! Stop telling op who she should and shouldn't be focusing on.

A friend of a friend used to target married men. Not just sex but deliberately trying to get pregnant, which she did twice. I asked her why, and didn’t she think about his wife? Her answer was she didn’t care about the wife and why should she care? As far as she was concerned if the husband wanted to play around, he was fair game, and his wife was his problem not hers!

@lakeloveragain you did ask...

"Why do married men go with another woman is what you need to be asking."

"Because she was a new ..."

I can't give you the actual quote. It was shattering to hear

@MissGiddyPants

Genuine question - not believing in lifetime monogamy, fair enough. Should the partner wishing to move on not end the existing relationship first rather than have an affair?

Pjmask, I’m sorry but there is no denying that the OP’s question implies blame on the woman’s part, and if she genuinely doesn’t hold this view this then she should have worded her question differently.

THIS

"I think if you look deeper than the surface (including also blaming the men as well as OW), I think somewhere along the line, these women will have been damaged by men. Could have been their parent's relationship. Could have been they have been treated badly by a previous partner. They have had to have been to justify it. Imho of course.

Men however, are ruled by their cocks. "

I know someone who has had many affairs with married men, and one left his family for her. It lasted 10 years before his drinking became a problem.

She has zero guilt and seems oblivious to the pain caused. Alcohol is a problem, and Daddy issues (mother died when she was very young)

Alcohol

In an ideal world obviously. But the world is not ideal. Deciding to finish a relationship of many years that is probably chugging along in an ok way is unlikely to happen until someone new comes on the scene and offers the opportunity of sunlit uplands.

"Should the partner wishing to move on not end the existing relationship first rather than have an affair?"

They don't WANT to move on! They want the benefits of monogamy (pretending to still be in that understanding so the unknowing one carries on giving the benefits) AND the side chick!

You think those kids, house, dirty clothes, paperwork are going to do themselves? What about the payout if she finds out??

BOTH women are being manipulated. Both are fulfilling needs.

OF COURSE there is blame on the women's part, if she knows he is married!

Why do people get hung up on this and go down this ridiculous rabbit hole?

Woman are NOT helpless puppets. They have agency and could choose to not be involved in hurting and deceiving other people.

That is their 50% culpability of this mutual selfishness of BOTH PARTIES. Please stop banging this tiresome drum.

My friend had an affair with a man who was taken, I really disapproved but she honestly thought they were meant to be and would end up married with kids etc. She thought it was 'true love'.

Damaged individuals, in this case I believe her self esteem, don't see things straight sometimes.

Yeah, I never got it. I can understand being attracted to someone out of bounds and I did get the occasional approach from married guys when I was young. I never acted on it because (a) I was a raging feminist and (b) I had too much ego to be someone's bit on the side. Imagine thinking he could have his wife and me as well, so greedy and entitled!

ScreamingLadySutch, it's your drum that is tiresome. Married people can just not allow anybody else into their marriage, it would bring it all to a stop, wouldn't it? One fell swoop...

@Helmlover1 I asked the question that way because that's the question I wanted a discussion about. If I wanted to know why men have affairs I would have asked that. You interpret that anyway you please.

Going against the grain, I don't think the OW or OM is blameless. I don't really buy the "well THEY didn't make any promises!" thing.

This topic has been done to death before.

The married person is obviously the most culpable because they made vows but I would have a low opinion of any woman who knowingly and intelligently knew a man was married and decided to sleep with him.

Trotting out the old 'she doesn't owe anything to the wife' whilst perhaps true is tiresome.

@MissGiddyPants
I get that - but should the dissatisfied partner not have the moral compass to end the existing relation ship before pursuing the 'sunny uplands" elsewhere? Do they not have any compunction re the pain they could cause, and indeed any sort of loyalty to the partner they wish to move on from? That is if they genuinely don't believe in monogamy rather than just wanting a piece on the side as well?

@Playmysong but what was her goal? Surely single men also pay child support etc? She has serious issues

Some women genuinely have no idea they’re married. For the ones who do know, I imagine the man feeds them a stream of lies such as ‘we never have sex’, ‘we haven’t loved each other for years but it’s difficult to leave because of the children’ and so forth.

Fuck knows why they’re still interested even with the excuses, I wouldn’t be personally. I imagine lots of OW’s have low self esteem too.

If he marries his mistress there's an immediate vacancy.

Cheating on your vows is low (with occasional exemptions in the case of abuse), being with a married person is low - only a certain kind of person would entertain either option.