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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not understand women who go with married men?

355 replies

Pennypringles · 22/09/2019 16:31

I know I'm old fashioned and have a really strong moral compass but I just don't understand it!
Obviously I know it takes two to tango and all that but I would never go with someone's husband however much "his wife doesn't understand him".

OP posts:
Wiltshirelass2019 · 22/09/2019 16:55

barryfromclareisfit you sound delightful

BigusBumus · 22/09/2019 16:55

I have a close friend who is seeing a married man. She is hoping he will leave his wife and kids etc etc. I don't get it at all.

Original poster
Pennypringles · 22/09/2019 16:57

@Fraggling oh yes. Was short hand for anyone knowingly going for someone married or involved

OP posts:
Fraggling · 22/09/2019 16:58

I know a few couples who have had affairs, split up, stayed with new one etc.

Shit happens is my view. Very few people plan all this stuff. In my world anyway.

The prevalence of middle aged men telling wives too young for kids, waiting till wife is 35, then running off with younger woman and immediately having kids is something I judge for and hard.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/09/2019 16:59

Because the fact that he/she's married is immaterial. The OW/OM is not thinking of his/her affair partner's spouse at all. They are thinking of the OW/OM.

Sorry OP, it is a horrible situation for you but men and women cheat on their spouses and those spouses really don't come into it.

I don't know why you think somebody being married would make them less or more attractive to somebody who wants to be with them? It wouldn't and doesn't because that's not the driving factor. It's the person themselves, in both circumstances.

You're asking about the woman because you feel that this is who you're 'competing with'. It's understandable and an easier question than to ask "Why did my husband, who promised himself to me only, betray me with another woman?".

I'm sorry for your pain, I really am but people do shitty things that hurt others all the time, up to and including affairs. They possibly all rate their 'moral compasses' as exemplary.

Original poster
Pennypringles · 22/09/2019 16:59

@GrumpiestCat thanks. That makes a lot of sense x

OP posts:
Blueoasis · 22/09/2019 17:00

I don't get it either op. I mean there's plenty of single men out there. Dunno if they are just desperate, hate other women, have low self esteem, think it means they are more attractive than the wife etc. Could be any reason but it's never a good one.

Yeah they didn't make the vows. But how can you be that uncaring to shag someone else's husband and wreck their family? You don't have to sleep with the guy, you can say no and walk away. It's not difficult. By shagging him, you're helping the affair happen, so you're causing the devastation.

It's the same the other way around to me too. If a guy gets together with a married woman, he is no prize either. I wouldn't trust people who do that to be honest. They may not have 'cheated' but they have shown that their moral compass is screwed up and are more likely to cheat than someone else.

misspiggy19 · 22/09/2019 17:00

I agree. Women like that love the drama, are selfish, egotistical and frankly pathetic, sad excuses for a human being. They are the lowest scum of all. The husbands involved are even worse.

^I agree. I used to work with a woman who deliberately targeted married men. She seemed to get off on it. Sad loser she was

Fraggling · 22/09/2019 17:01

:Dunno if they are just desperate, hate other women, have low self esteem, think it means they are more attractive than the wife etc. '

Or maybe she just really really fancies him.

Is the most obvious reason.

AravisTarkheena · 22/09/2019 17:03

Because married men lie about the state of their relationships? And because someone is cheating on his wife it’s nit hard to believe that he probably will leave her cos he obviously didn’t care about her?

IdiotInDisguise · 22/09/2019 17:03

I don’t know if you have noticed but married men chasing single women don’t normally introduce themselves with Hi, I’m Dick and I’m married to Úrsula, they pretend to be free like the wind, or say they are separated but living in the same house due to whatever complex reasons, so the women you are judging may be easily victims of a lying husband.

I sometime wonder how many women think the man has only had one affair before leaving, they may have had dozens before settling down for someone they preferred over their wives.

Rachelover60 · 22/09/2019 17:04

People get caught etc in married people's stories, etc. They beiieve whatever they're told.

Original poster
Pennypringles · 22/09/2019 17:04

You're asking about the woman because you feel that this is who you're 'competing with'. It's understandable and an easier question than to ask "Why did my husband, who promised himself to me only, betray me with another woman?".

I'm not competing with anyone. She is very welcome to him because he's definitely not the man I thought he was.

OP posts:
Blueoasis · 22/09/2019 17:05

Or maybe she just really really fancies him.

Is the most obvious reason.

There is that too but I did put etc for other reasons. Wasn't going to list them all, besides I wouldn't know how they think because I wouldn't do something like that.

Schwibble · 22/09/2019 17:06

Because they hate other women, see it as some sort of competition and feel they've won if they get a DH to cheat with her, low self esteem, pure selfishness, just don't care.

Puzzledbyart · 22/09/2019 17:06

She is hoping he will leave his wife and kids etc etc. I don't get it at all.
Interesting - I have two friends who prefer to have "with benefits" relationships with happily married colleagues exactly for the opposite reason, i.e. that they won't cause any drama or become stalkers or bitter ex-boyfriends, and because they take care about discretion too (rather than boasting to everyone and the security guy that Trish from Accounts, you know...).

Fraggling · 22/09/2019 17:07

I think 'because she really fancies him' is going to be way more likely than 'because she thinks she's more attractive than his wife' which is a weird reason, along with the others.

The motivations are usually pretty straightforward id have thought.

Aridane · 22/09/2019 17:11

I’ve never been with a married man (except my husbands!) and I never would. But I can see how it would happen. If you had low self-esteem, it’d be amazingly flattering to be “chosen” by a man over his wife. Like you were more powerful, sexier, more desirable than her

Or you just fancy a quick shag with a a guy who’s hot on a no strings basis?

Or because he told you he was separated / the marriage was otherwise over

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/09/2019 17:12

I agree with Fraggling, it's because they fancy each other and want to take it further. Is it right? Absolutely not, but that is what it boils down to.

Whether they hate other women or want to get the husband to leave, I don't know of any instances of that. I was an OW when I was very young and it was just attraction, nobody else figured. It was selfish and I'd never do it again but his wife was not in my thoughts at all. Nor his.

Aridane · 22/09/2019 17:12

Cross post with fraggling

SuzieQ10 · 22/09/2019 17:12

I'm with you OP. I think it's a horrible, deplorable thing to do. The cheating partner is the vermin, but if the OW (or OM) knows they are married or involved and continue anyway then then are far from the innocent party.
I lost a good friend because she was the OW, seeing a married man who eventually left his wife and kids for her (he later left ex-friend, too). We haven't spoken since the early days of her affair with him, I recognised she had awful morals and took a massive step back.

AravisTarkheena · 22/09/2019 17:14

I'm not competing with anyone. She is very welcome to him because he's definitely not the man I thought he was

That’s exactly it though isn’t it - you fell for it, you thought he was great, you were into him, presumably the OW thought the same. I very much doubt I would pursue a relationship with a married man cos it would be a massive hassle more than anything else, but I can’t rule out 100% that I might meet a man I really fancy and believe him when he tell me he is genuinely unhappy and wants to leave his wife.

Rezie · 22/09/2019 17:19

Maybe she just likes him and down really care about the wife. There doesn't have to be any more intense psychological damage to the OW

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 22/09/2019 17:25

Because I didn't know he was married until after I'd stopped sleeping with him.

PennyNotSoWise · 22/09/2019 17:28

I think if your DH cheats, it's easy to put the blame on the OW, because it's easier than accepting your DH, who you loved and thought loved you, would hurt you like that. But the married party in the situation is worse, imo.

If the OW knew he was married, then yes she deserves loathing, but ultimately it's your spouse that has betrayed you, and sad as it is, no one owes anybody anything so many OW won't think twice about the wife or her feelings.

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