To not understand women who go with married men?

[Pennypringles]

I know I'm old fashioned and have a really strong moral compass but I just don't understand it!
Obviously I know it takes two to tango and all that but I would never go with someone's husband however much "his wife doesn't understand him".

women don't "do that" to other women. If my DH had an affair it would be on him, his fault. You say you don't think it's her fault but you accuse her of "going after" another persons husband.

People fall in and out of love. Ideally everyone would be single before hooking up with someone new. I know a good few people who are married now who got together when one or other was in another relationship. It doesn't make them low lifes or necessarily mean they have "low self esteem".

I'm sorry this has happened to you but it's your ex you should be wondering about, not the other woman.

In the many places that I have lived over the years,I have known quite a few people who were in the cheating brigade. Several married men I knew quite well,were secretly having a fling,or an affair with other women, all going undetected,by their lovely wives at home.

I would never get involved or say anything to any of these people,as it was their life,and people do what they do.

It doesn't seem to matter,that you think a person has a high moral compass,it all goes out of the window in these situations.

I come from a home where my dad had several affairs. The OW happened to work in the same office that both my parents did! Mum was on maternity leave at the time, & dad used the oldest trick in the book "I'm working late". It ripped apart the family & honestly I will never look at my dad in the same way. My poor mum was bringing up me at the time & had 2 other children, how she coped I will never know & I have grown up really admiring her strength. But yes, I agree with you, I just dont understand how OW, knowing that the man is married, can go & cross that line!

@northernruth when did I say "go after?"

OP never said the mans not to blame?? God sickens me when people try to justify OW I don’t care the reasons it makes you a shitty person. At the very least own it if you’re going to be that incredibly destructive and selfish.

@GrumpiestCat you’ve hit the nail on the head I think

My mother went after other women's husbands because it wouldn't have occurred to her that there were other people, their feelings, lives, futures or children involved. It was all about 'poor me'. Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there like that.

I worked in a very male dominated industry from a very young age. I'm afraid what I observed time & time again openly predatory married men going after girls/women who were quite obviously a bit vulnerable or had very low self esteem. And the usual line is I'm only staying til the kids are older (wonderfully vague so she thinks hell leave the wife at some point). The men were all thrill junkies who love the chase & need a constant ego boost. The other woman were just a toy for their amusement. And extra sex.

Who has jusified it, OhThatsASnazzyBouquet? I can't see any justification for it on this thread. There is though a snap back to apportioning responsibility where it lies, where it has always lain - at the married person.

Having an affair is a shitty thing to do, it doesn't condemn you for all time though. If somebody realises that it's a horrendous thing and never does it again do they deserve your approbation for the rest of their lives?

The married person is the destructive and selfish one; it's just that this is a female-dominated site and the wives of such selfish and destructive men really don't want to blame them because many women decide they want to hang on to their cheating husbands after all.

I think there are many reasons from both sides- low self esteem etc but I have very little sympathy. Everyone has difficulties and issues and I think it’s just an excuse to behave how you like.
If someone has an affair for whatever reason, blames low self esteem or similar, how do they think their actions are going to affect the innocent people involved? Their self esteem is shattered. It’s wrong on every level, people should leave other people’s wives/husbands alone and the wives and husbands should work on their marriages or end the relationship properly!!

I agree that the ow doesn't technically owe the wife anything, he's the one breaking the vows, but having said that I could never be with a married or in a relationship man. I have more respect for myself than to be someone's side piece , and surely there must be a lack of empathy for the wifes feelings? There but for the grace of God go you!

An unmarried woman dating a married man? I think your ‘moral compass’ should be pointing in his direction, not hers OP. It’s not the 1950’s

@Pannalash there's only so many times and ways I can say it. I have never once said I blame the OW. Not once

Just because it is mostly the mans fault, doesn’t absolve the OW of blame. If one person robs a bank and another is the getaway driver, the driver still gets sent to prison! They may not have robbed the bank themselves but they facilitated it. I see the OW as the getaway driver. Obviously if she doesn’t know in advance then that’s different but when they know then yes there is culpability in my mind. I once ended a friendship because the woman started seeing the husband of one of her other friends. When she started trying to confide in me about it I didn’t want to know. I don’t want to be a party to that. I’m not some shining example of virtue. I do plenty of things wrong but I would never want to be the cause of someone else’s pain, and a thousand times that if there are kids involved too.

Women who go with a man knowing him to be married are the lowest scum imaginable
Scrubbers and slags

Oh do fuck off

I wouldnt do it I will state that first, but it isnt hard to understand is it?

Why would a stranger to you respect YOUR marriage? This expectation that marriage be such a revered institution is unrealistic. People talk about adulterers being the lowest of the low which is nonsense. Lower than abusers? Rapists? Murderers? Confidence tricksters? Come on.

Clearly the men are to blame. They are cheating on their wives - a known person. Assuming the woman knows the man is married she is harming a faceless person.

People do it because they feel no respect for a person they don’t know and they want to. And I agree they are often damaged people - low self esteem, needing sex or a relationship regardless of the value the man places on them and their wife. After all, a man who cheats on his wife doesn’t have great credentials, but the cheating woman is prepared to get involved with him - doesn’t speak of great self respect.

Feel angry about that woman. She played a role without a doubt, but your DH chose to have the relationship and disrespect you most. He chose to do it and wasn’t led helpless by a Jezebel.

I think 'because she really fancies him' is going to be way more likely than 'because she thinks she's more attractive than his wife' which is a weird reason, along with the others.

It's more likely, but the other reasons are true for some as well.

Some women like to take the guy because it does make them feel attractive, and by him 'choosing' her, he finds her more attractive than his wife which suits them. Gives them an ego boost.

There was a thread on here a while ago about this woman texting this other woman's husband, texting him flirty messages, offering herself and even when told no, went 'your wife won't find out' and sent him a picture of her boobs. Do you think she is the only one out there like that? You're naive if you think so.

Most aren't like that, some get conned, some are taken advantage of. But some do it deliberately. I've even known of a woman shag someone else's partner just because she hated the woman. Some people are just cruel sadly.

The guy is always at fault, more so than the woman no matter the circumstances, abd vice versa depending on relationship. But some women are not at all innocent in these situations.

@Sweetpea55 I agree with you, however I'd add the married man/partner in this too doing the adultery. Both scrubbers, both welcome to each other and to wait for karma to bite.

I don't understand how anyone would knowingly go with a married man/ man.

Because they fancy him?
Occam's Razor...there isn't necessarily a set of convoluted reasons for why someone chooses to have sex.
It's the married person's responsibility to uphold their own vows. It isn't a single person's job to police someone else's marriage and how they conduct it.
Any calls of "homewrecker" should be directed at the cheating spouse. The OW can't wreck the home, she doesn't live there.

Women who go with a man knowing him to be married are the lowest scum imaginable. Scrubbers and slags

Oh, the 'poor innocent Husbands' trope Just innocently getting on in a happy marriage, until a nasty slapper seduces him against his will. Yawn.

A lot more anger needs to be directed at the men who are willing to lie and cheat, risk their marriage and family for a shag. If they stayed true to their vows, there wouldn't be another woman.

However YANBU. How women can sleep with a married man especially one with q young family, I'll never know. How can they be fine knowing his actions might destroy his family?

It’s usually because they are desperate and have low self esteem. A little bit of attention and they are anyone’s.

Sadly both my aunt & her dd stole married men from other women and not only that but they laughed about it. I was not amused. And they like to look down their nose at me...

Generally speaking i think the married man is capitalising on the affair partner's loneliness or low self worth. Not that simple but generally speaking

🤷🏻‍♀️
Ask my sister in law.

She met an older guy while she was at school and had a baby. He was married to someone else and she knew. He didn’t leave his wife (with whom he had a child). He never paid maintenance or anything because apparently he simply stopped work when they caught up with him and SIL “couldn’t be bothered” to keep chasing him. The PILs paid for everything so she had no incentive.

She met another guy, not married but living with long term partner and he had a child with a previous girlfriend. He didn’t pay for the child as the mother wanted nothing to do with him. Sister in law had a baby with him. He left partner and moved in with her. Lasted 18 months before he got someone else pregnant. She chased him for support, he went to the Isle of Man(?) where he was untouchable. Last heard he had four children, different mothers, he wasn’t maintaining.

Third time lucky. Met and married a single guy. Hurrah! Had two children. According to sister in law’s eldest, SIL had an affair with married next door neighbour and husband walked out. He went overseas.

SIL denies the latter and has had, as you can imagine, a bits and pieces life because of her choices. Her childbearing spanned 20 years so she didn’t work. MIL and FIL have paid for and basically brought up her children.

She posts suggestive pictures on the internet marked “interested in men”. She has never learned her lesson.

I am 🤷🏻‍♀️

The nearest I can think of is that she 1. Wanted what the other women had, so took it; and 2. Has a high sex drive and had lots of affairs but only got found out when she got pregnant.

Who knows...

I have a friend that done this and it really did change my opinion of her. She went with a married man knowing full well he was married and believed him when he said he would end things with the wife. That was 3 years ago. He never did end things, she’s not seeing him anymore. But another man she’s met recently is clearly in a relationship or married but again she is choosing to ignore it. I think her theory this time is if she doesn’t know then she’s not doing anything wrong but all signs point to him married.