To not understand women who go with married men?

[Pennypringles]

I know I'm old fashioned and have a really strong moral compass but I just don't understand it!
Obviously I know it takes two to tango and all that but I would never go with someone's husband however much "his wife doesn't understand him".

[FunderAnna]

Just a note. My posting above is a quotation.

[Cautionsharpblade]

Perhaps a single friend with benefits/fuck buddy would be even more perfect?

All my friends are women.

And for @FunderAnna, I am a committed vegan. Take all sorts ...

[Mostunexpected]

I only know 2 women who have knowingly slept with married men. Both were because they didn't want anything serious, just casual sex, and thought by getting involved with a married man it was a good way to avoid the guy wanting to take things to the next level. Didn't work out at all for one of them!

However I know several other women who have been involved with married men who have lied and claimed to be single.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Ariadne: Probably because after a certain ages, there aren’t that many single men available for a quick no tie fuck

Well, i’d Dispute that. I know of quite a few single men around age 40 whose marriages broke down mainly because of infidelity (not, in some cases, on the man’s part either). Sometimes for other reasons. Plenty of single divorced men out there. Or wouldn’t you want them now they’re freely available?

[Gigimum]

I'm struggling with this issue at the moment. husband been seeing another woman. We have kids, she has kids. As a mother you would do anything to protect your kids, how can she justify to herself taking a child's father away. I know we to blame too, but what sort of person sets out to tear a family apart, I couldn't do it

[Migrainefun]

The women posting here who were the OW in the past sound so bitter and bitchy still!
I can't quote it as I cba to find the page but one was along the lines of "his wife was never on my mind, nor his"
And "because you fancy a quick shag with someone hot"
sounds like you never stop being a selfish attention seeker! They sound like teenagers even now.

[Johnjoeseph]

I've never slept with a married man but I did have an affair with someone who was in a relationship. I was young and very selfish.

It had nothing to do with self-esteem/power/naïveté... I simply fancied the pants off him. We worked together, and he made my boring part time job exciting. I was having the time of my life at that stage, starting to go out clubbing, heading off to uni, playing the field etc. and I simply didn't care about anything but having a good time.

It was a shitty thing to do and I regret it 14 years on, you live and learn.

[Monkeyplanet]

I think we as a society place too much responsibility on the OW. As much as her actions may be wrong, she

1. Is not the person who made vows of fidelity
2. May have been lied to herself about him being divorced/separated etc.
3. Infantalise and absolve men of the responsibility of being faithful and put it on the OW for breaking up our family, ruining our life surely a stranger doesn't owe you anything and it is worse when your intimate partner betrays YOUR trust and is perfectly happy to risk his family's stability for a tryst

I prefer to ask "what is wrong with men who don't keep their vows.

The OW owes you nothing and I would even argue is well within her rights to act selfishly and look after her needs and wants first.

Also humans CANNOT be stolen. They make choices to cheat and be dishonest

[funinthesun19]

It’s easy for the wife to pile all the blame on the OW.

Why? Because she’s never loved the OW, never married her, never had a history with her, never had children with her, never had a deep connection with her. Despite what the husband has done, the wife may well still love him and find it easy and comforting to convince herself that her husband was stolen from her by this woman and that he didn’t know what he was doing

[SunshineAngel]

When I was a teenager, I had horrifically low self esteem, as I was overweight, spotty, and bullied horrendously in school.

When I was 16 I decided enough was enough, and I went on a diet, started exercising, and started taking care of my hair and skin.

The way I looked changed completely. I was a totally different person. But inside, I was still the ugly, fat 14yo who got physically and emotionally bullied every single day of her life.

Then along comes a man, and showers me with attention, like I've never had before. We met at work (18 by this point) and started texting, and the attention he was giving me was like a drug. I had NEVER had that kind of attention before. He told me he was unhappy at home, and was going to get a divorce. He told me I made him so happy, that I was beautiful, and that he wanted us to be together once they finally divorced. He said I kept him going, and that we were soulmates.

I fell in love with him, he told me he had asked his wife for a divorce and she had agreed, but it would take some time, and he had to live with her until he could afford somewhere else.

We started sleeping together, as I was under the impression that his marriage was over, if not legally then at least emotionally for both of them. I was so, so in love, and thought my life was complete.

He said his wife even knew about us. Until I found out it was bollocks. She knew nothing, he hadn't asked her for a divorce, and had no intention of leaving. She ended things anyway, and he accused me of being an immature little bitch who broke his marriage up, and left me too.

So, although I knew he was married, these men can't half spin reality to suit them. I was absolutely heartbroken, and it's changed the way I trust even now.

Yes, I slept with a married man, knowing he was married. But MOST affairs aren't black and white, most women don't sleep with married men out of spite, or hatred for their wives.

Maybe I am a shitty person, I don't know. In hindsight, of course I wouldn't have gone near until he was actually divorced (which would have been never), but my only defence is I was young, inexperienced, immature, and - crucially - flattered as fuck.

[TottieandMarchpane]

The world is full of unfathomable, anti-social people. You won’t solve the riddle by dwelling in it.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Migrainefun, I was that poster. Thanks for the derision and your vapid 'smiley face'. I was young and stupid and own that. I'd never do it again and not at all embittered I answered the OP's question which was to explain the circumstances why.

I'm not sure what your purpose is on the thread though? Catnip, is it?

[Tryingmybest12]

It's the collusion that i find jarring. This person is sharing in the lies and deceit. Continuing with it - even enabling it by not challenging it - making it somehow ok and allowing the married adulterer to continue hurting others.

We turn a blind eye- saying a marriage is a private thing and no-one elses business'. And thats how abusers/abusive behaviour of both sexes continue.

The participation makes them responsible for the abuse- because cheating is a form of abuse- and whats worth they are benefiting directly from it.

From the other persons perspective, finding out you've been lied to, gaslighted and decieved changes a person. Discovering the sacrifices you made and years you devoted to your partner were for nothing (or unequal) can devestate.

In any other friendship/ work relationship we'd apportion some kind of responsibility surely.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

What does that mean, Tryingmybest? You can apportion responsibility all you want to but that doesn't mean that the people involved will take it.

It isn't the OM/OW's responsibility to keep your husband/wife faithful, it's the husband/wife's responsibility to stay faithful. If they don't, that''s on them. It doesn't mean that all parties involved aren't completely in the wrong, they are but marriage is a contract between the two people in it, and only them.

[FunderAnna]

Just in case anyone's interested my earlier quotation was from Elizabeth Bennet in 'Pride And Prejudice'. She is refusing to let Lady Catherine de Bourgh tell her what to do in terms of whether she can form a relationship with Darcy. (Apparently according to Mumsnetters this puts in the same league as criminals!)

[Nameissochanged]

I just don't think life is simple, though moral decisions certainly sometimes should be.

I'm in my 50s. I am surrounded by women for whom the idea of wanting sex is a joke, literally. Menopause can (not always) trash your sex drive. A very good friend has confided in a couple of us that she has stopped having sex with her husband completely. I routinely hear from friends in various tones of voice from hilarity to misery that they never want to have sex again.

In the meantime, many though not all their husbands may have pretty much exactly the same sex drive as they always had. They may have 30 or more years to live. Realistically, what is going to happen? At least some of the time, sex outside the marriage is going to happen. Like my lover, who adores his wife and wants to continue his life with her, and does not want to make her have sex she never wants to have again. Is every person involved as a third party in this sort of situation scum? Without exception? Scum? That's quite a statement.

[Leflic]

Nameissochanged So he’stold his wife that whilst he adores her, he can’t do without sex and would she mind if he shagged you?
His wife should have a choice about the sex/problem in the relationship/the marriage before the DH decides to step outside the vows.
The deception is the scummy bit.

[Wheelson]

@Nameissochanged is that what he told you?

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

There are some daft responses on this thread, I can’t take some people seriously. Quite a few people claim that most people we are surrounded by are happy to shag a married person because really, everyone (including one’s neighbours) is Just out for themselves. When I questioned that, with examples of kind behaviour from my own neighbours, who I don’t know very well, I was ridiculed, told that they really don’t give a shit about my welfare and therefore wouldn’t care whether my marriage was in a good state not. Apparently me their kind (to my observation) actions are just them being polite, the implication being that they don’t really care for me as a person. Made me laugh, I would have thought that not shagging someone else’s spouse would be pretty high up the list when it comes to good manners and “being polite”.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

To clarify, the person who wrote that implied that they themselves would eg take a parcel in for someone purely because it’s polite. Yet seemingly would forget all about being polite if they fancied their neighbour’s spouse enough.....

Happily take a parcel in for them out of good manners but you would have no qualms about shagging their spouse. I can’t compute that at all.

[Queenofeverything44]

I know of a woman who used to be in our friendship group who would see a married man as challenge accepted. She told us one night over drinks that she particularly liked those with kids or new babies because their wives were busy or had lost their bodies to pregnancy/birth. She had absolutely no problem with her behaviour. When we voiced our shock and disgust she laughed and said we should be grateful she had decided to leave our men alone as they were just gagging for her. That was 20yrs ago and she's nearly 50 now, has been married 4 times, no kids, no friends still dresses like a teenager and is now a sad pathetic laughing stock. My mum always had a saying "once the mistress becomes the wife, there's a vacancy"
Personally I would never be with a man who cheats on his wife for two reasons.. a) I would never want to be responsible for messing up a family and b) what's to stop him doing the same to me.
Hope you're OK OP and that life sorts itself out for you. Take care

[Helmlover1]

CurlyHairedAssassin (and others) you seem to be living in some sort of fantasy land where there’s constantly sunshine and rainbows and everyone loves and cares about each other..I was merely pointing out that is simply not the case. But that’s ok, because society doesn’t owe you anything. What makes you feel so important that all women out there ought to respect the sanctity of your marriage? If your husband decides to have an affair then that’s your husband’s fault (him being the one that made the vows and all that), not the other woman’s fault, as she doesn’t owe you anything. I honestly thought that was common sense until I stumbled upon this thread.

[couldntcareless]

I think a lot of it comes down to low self esteem.

[RueCambon]

@CurlyhairedAssassin your postion is very fear-based. You are trying to single out one less than exemplary behavior among hundreds and focus obsessively on that. It isnt logical or healthy.
It costs nothing to take in a parcel, but if a woman has been lonely for years and is in need of connection/affection, it isnt necessarily appropriate for people who behave badly in many other ways to judge. And never mind judging, it isnt hsrd to understand if ur living in the real world.

[LanternLighter]

My ex cheated on me after a 20 year marriage and I honestly hate and blame OW much more than him.
Yes he broke his vows, lied and gaslighted me but as a woman I just can’t imagine pursuing a man who you know has children and you make a decision to destroy a family.
It makes it worse when the children spend time with them as a couple. They should have their dad in their lives but to see another woman stepping into my place kills me every time.