To not understand women who go with married men?

[Pennypringles]

I know I'm old fashioned and have a really strong moral compass but I just don't understand it!
Obviously I know it takes two to tango and all that but I would never go with someone's husband however much "his wife doesn't understand him".

I presume there are loads of different reasons. Some to do with low self esteem, others gullibility and some less understandable. The blame is always the married person's, absolutely. However, you do have to wonder at the low bar some women set for their relationships.

My sister has never had a relationship with a man who wasn't at least engaged to someone else. She's married now, but her current husband was engaged to her boss when they stated shagging. He then dumped his fiancée by taking my sister to a massive function the whole firm was invited to and then moving her into his house (tied house at their joint place of work) a week later. I think in my sister's case, she is just a cunt, and I'm just glad that she has found someone whose moral standards are as low as her own.

I think you are assuming that having an affair is black and white.

It’s not.

Most people would announce ‘I’d never have an affair I have morals’ and then some will go on to have an affair.

Love and life is complicated and frustrating. I’m not defending affairs but I also think if my husband was able to be that attracted to someone else whilst married to me then he really isn’t for me is he? I can get knotted up about it or I can say ‘lucky escape?’

Maybe they don't want a fully available man. They might value their independence too much, not want someone's emotional wellbeing directly on their shoulders. They believe the lies to ameliorate the guilt of the wronged wife. Also to justify the the affair to their friends and family. Ultimately they know its wrong, but do it anyway. Both are complicit in the harm they do to the partner/wife/husband.

But how can you be that uncaring to shag someone else's husband and wreck their family? If he's willing to shag you, then there's something wrong with the family in the first place. If you're in a happy relationship you don't cheat on the one you love. You don't have to sleep with the guy, you can say no and walk away. So can he. So why is all the blame with the woman?

Funny, I was wondering yesterday what the male equivalent to "other woman" is.

I blame the men who cheat on their wives. Blaming the OW is odd. She isn’t the one who made vows to the wife, after all.

It’s pretty obvious - low self esteem. Someone with a modicum of self respect wouldn’t want someone who couldn’t even achieve basic fidelity.

I didn't go after a married man but I got involved with a married man once. I knew he was married but I believed (what he told me): he and his wife had been separated for some time and were getting a divorce. We had a long distance relationship and I was naive and gullible. I see that now but back then I had no idea.

Even when I discovered the truth - he was 'happily married' to his wife - I thought that they had just got back together and that I'd been dumped without being told. It took a couple of days for the penny to drop. They'd never been separated in the first place and I had not been dumped. He had planned to continue seeing us both - that did not happen.

Yes I was embarrassingly stupid. I am pretty scared to post this but there you go.

What @Sleepyquest said.
I did it when I was a very vain, dramatic, infatuated 19 year old. Very cliched situation - he was a MUCH older (50 year old) tutor at my college. I pretty much threw myself at him (not that he was resistant!). It went on for about 3 months of meeting up once a week in his car, lunch out once or twice, met once for sex in a hotel. Pretty tawdry stuff. His poor wife. I’m sure she knew, as she worked at the same college.
Over 20 years later, he still emails me from time to time (I don’t reply).

@PennyNotSoWise I've not once said I put the blame on OW. I'm very well aware who is to blame.
I don't understand how anyone would knowingly go with a married man/ man.

(deep breathe)

I was the OW many many many years ago. I was 19 he was much older. I thought he was sophisticated, he treated me nicely, he was gorgeous, he ticked all the boxes. Except he was married. Me, in all my infinite teenage wisdom, decided to overlook this "small" fact. I didn't dislike his wife or children, they didn't even come into my thought process, I was too busy being swept off my feet.

In my situation, his motivation was clearly that I was young, gullible and he could spin me the the old line of "my wife doesn't understand me", be available as he wished and I accepted it. My motivation was he swept me off my feet, I liked him alot and I felt he must really like me to risk his marriage on it.

In hindsight I was naive, foolish, inconsiderate, selfish and immature. Have my views changed? Of course. I have never entered a relationship with a man with a partner since nor would I again. I don't approve of it, I don't agree with it. I think age and life experience accounts for alot in my particular situation.

I don't understand the motivation of the OW who is older than I was and of an age to really have empathy with the cheated wife. I always assume it must be money or lust.

As for men, it seems they want to have their cake and eat it too. I suppose they are just thinking with their penis or too weak willed or shit scared to end their relationships.

Neither the OW or the cheating party is fully to blame. The only innocent is the cheated party. I know it feels like shit as my ex DP had an OW. I consider it karma for my actions when I was younger.

Better go ask the female who was/is shagging my now-ex behind my back. She knew he was married and didn’t care. He, obviously, knew he was married and didn’t care either. She is welcome to him...

It does take a while for men to leave unhappy relationships and get divorced. (It takes women a while too.)

My partner and his then-wife had taken the mutual decision to separate several months before he and I met.

I don't think there was a lack of self-esteem on my part when we got together. Looking back twenty-four years, it seems to have been a recognition that we were suited to one another.

@zxcvhjkl - snap. Our stupid 19 year old selves. 😬

I must admit, I'm more into blaming the married person for shagging around.

I saw a quote recently that debunked the notion of 'the home wrecker' because if a man is cheating he opened the door and let her in.

I wouldn't go with a married man but I think they have more moral duties to their wives than the OW.

I know at least 3 women who purposefully target married men because they want the fun bits of a relationship but not the mundane things.

Two of them despite precautions got pregnant by one of their flings...and both had a massive strop when said men backed off and wont have anything to do with their child apart from maintenance after a DNA test

Honestly I think they've got what they deserve...I just feel for the children who've been brought into a world where their father doesn't want them. I suppose there are worse things to have to endure but still not a nice thought to grow up with.

Why is the assumption always that OW are 'shagging around'? Many of them are not. I wasn't. I can't speak for my OM at the time but I certainly wasn't.

Nothing makes it 'right' but it's a double-edged sword. If you (the OW) isn't having sex with anybody else because you have feelings for your affair partner then you can sort of make it ok because you're not cheating. If you are having sex with multiple partners (as an OW) then you'd be ok with it anyway, presumably.

At the end of it, if the married person doesn't care to uphold the vows that they made to their spouse, how can anybody expect another person to do that?

A lot of women are desperate, thanks to societal pressure of singledom being a bad thing for women.

I have a male friend who, knowing that I had just been cheated on, hinted that he would like to take our friendship further. and ignoring the fact that I know his wife as well. I told him he was a shit. He agreed with me and apologised and we are still friends, but I only ever like anything of his on Facebook if his wife is mentioned.

The only reason we remain friends is that I moved away from the area and so will never bump into them again.

Because some people are just desperate to be "loved", in whatever form that takes. They are usually severely insecure, extremely gullible, and often the younger the are, the less life experience/bullshit-detector they have. They are weak-minded people, and don't like their own company and as such would do anything just to be "wanted". My dh's ow was like this. I actually felt sorry for her, more than anything. My mum;s best friend is still like this - desperate to be "loved", not realising/refusing to believe it's not real love, he just wants a ready and eager hole to cum in, the owner of which will also lavish him with the ego-boosting attention he feels he is entitled to. They are often also very vulnerable, and easy prey for these piece of shit men who do this.

I made the foolish mistake of going with a married man when I was a lot younger and naive. Looking back now I think I was looking for a father figure as he was a LOT older than me and I kind of liked being flattered and all the attention that came with it. In hindsight I totally got used for sex and when I called it off he probably just moved on to someone else as equally as naive and as insecure...

I agree with the other posters though, don’t get too hung up on blaming the OW, as if he wasn’t being unfaithful with her it would just be with some else instead.

My XH left me for OW. I blame them both equally. Him as he was married...and her as she knew he was before they got together (met at running/cycling club).

I have recently been sent a dick pic from a married ex colleague. I'm absolutely disgusted by him and it is made worse by the fact that he is married.

I don't hold myself in very high regard in most things but l do have high morals.

@Helmlover1 once again. I never said I blame the OW. Not once

Sweetpea apart from the vileness of your comments about the women, what do you about the married man? The one who knows very well that he is married?

Women who post the tripe that you have, reap that lack of respect from their husbands. Because the fault is always of the OW. Pathetic.