To not understand women who go with married men?

[Pennypringles]

I know I'm old fashioned and have a really strong moral compass but I just don't understand it!
Obviously I know it takes two to tango and all that but I would never go with someone's husband however much "his wife doesn't understand him".

My mother has a long history of involvement with married men. In her case, I suspect that it has a lot to do with wanting to get one over on another woman (the wife). All her relationships with other women are based in competitiveness, probably going back to her relationship with her own mother. She tends to have one female friend at a time (always someone she can look down on) and she never has anything nice to say about any other woman. All the married men she's been with were supposed her true love at the time, but what sticks with me is her contempt for the wives ("Fatty", "tarty-looking" etc).

I don't think there's any single type of "other women". Some are naive, some are damaged. A few are narcissistic and some just plain don't like other women very much.

ng. I just don't understand why a woman would do that to another woman.

You're protesting too much OP. You are coming across like you see this as the woman once she knows he's married is the one at fault. It's really not.
If someone is married and chooses to cheat, that's where questions should be asked. They have made that choice. Why do married men cheat? Why do they?

I know a good few people who are married now who got together when one or other was in another relationship. It doesn't make them low lifes or necessarily mean they have "low self esteem". This.

There's a difference between a couple in a crumbling marriage and one or other meets a new partner before they've got round to making the break, and a man (or woman) who is married and intends to stay so while he/she has a series of affairs.

I always had a good laugh at my uncles (or not so uncle anymore) expense when he had an affair with another woman.

He had affair after affair with different women.. Prostitutes. Found the diamond which persuaded him to divorce my aunt to be with her and when he did, he signed over half the house and a big chunk of his money, pension ect to my aunt.

His new piece unaware of this, took him house hunting going for the big 5/6 beds and he had to tell her in the estate agents he couldn't go for these houses as he'd given my auntie half of everything.

She left him there and then and drove off. He ended up living on his own for years in his tiny not so 5 bed house.

I think people are just ruthless, she obviously just wanted his money and didn't give a shit she was ruining a family.

Wtaf @MissPepper8 what's with the "new piece" and "diamond" and blaming them for ruining your uncle's family life. He was the tool that did that, can't you see or are you being deliberately provocative?

Put people together and some (quite a few) will start fucking

Laws, promises, wedding vows, fear of going to hell or being publicly punished doesn’t stop people who are attracted to each other acting on what they desire

Some will do it over and over again some just the once humans seek pleasure and even the nicest most caring of people can be utterly selfish at times

But the married man is the one who has made the promise to the person he loves and is breaking that promise

@WestEndWendie

My life are you standing up for what she did? What do you want me to do? name her? I'm not saying he didn't play a part in ruining his own marriage, he is and still is a dick but she obviously was after his money and wasn't without blame either.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Quite agree. I still would hope though that I would have the courage to break off the crumbling relationship before embarking on the new. Surely you would have , as I said before, some feeling of loyalty/regard for a partner whom you presumably loved enough at one time to marry?

Many years ago in my early 20s I had a one night stand with a bloke who actually used my landline phone to call his girlfriend the next morning to say what time he’d be home ! (Was before mobiles were common). First I’d heard of it. What a cock, to both of us. I felt sick at his behaviour and certainly wouldn’t have gone near him had I known the sort of bloke he was.

So, I don’t understand the mindset of women who DO choose to go with men they know to be in a relationship. The men are clearly selfish immoral twats so why would you want to go near someone like that? I don’t buy the simple reason some people have given “because they’re hot.” We are not animals acting purely on our baser instincts. We have to actively choose whether to engage in immoral behaviour. Both an unfaithful man and an OW are both actively choosing this. Neither would be my mate.

I've never gone near a married man and never would.

Plenty of cock out there, no need to share.

The men are clearly selfish immoral twats so why would you want to go near someone like that?

Iv been the OW a couple of times.

I do it as the sex is normally good and it’s easy. They don’t get clingy and bother you.

I don’t believe in this crappy women code.

Honestly all this 'blame only the man' nonsense. Obviously the OW is to blame too - not solely, but she is also quite clearly wrong.

I have no idea why OP. I honestly think there has to be something wrong with you to do it. All this crap about 'maybe they met their soul mate and they just happened to be married' DO ME A FAVOUR and grow up. They were someone else's 'soul mate' before you came along. Ridiculous. And yes, life long monogogamy night not be for everyone but that doesn't mean men (or women) unhappy in their relationship are just sitting there waiting/needing an OW/OM to show them the light and lead them out of their dire situation. The excuses people come up with to justify starting/continuing a relationship with a married man are staggering.

Here's a secret, if he is the love of your life you'll both be happy to wait (no contact, no sex) until he's divorced from his wife. No need to carry on behind everyone's back unless you are hell bent on the drama and getting one over on the wife.

HTH

If I wanted to I would. It’s not my problem if someone is married. That’s between him and his wife.

Why does anyone do anything? A million reasons. Could be an ex, could be that she is married too and doesn’t want any strings, could be she wants to break up the relationship and be with him himself, could be that she doesn’t want a relationship but will take the sex, she may not know or have known that he was married, she may know and not care. People you know well and would never suspect are cheating right now, no relationship is perfect, no relationship is immune to it.

@Boshmama

Just because people sleep with someone’s husband. It doesn’t mean they want to run away with them and start a life together and most OW (myself included) don’t give a damn about the wife at home. It’s nothing to do with getting one over on the wife. It’s just a bit of fun with someone your attracted to.

It certainly doesn’t mean anything is wrong with me.

HTH

If the affair is emotional as well as sexual it's usually because they don't think enough of themselves to think they're worth a man's sole attention.

If it's purely sexual it's usually because they want someone who will be discreet and won't want to interrupt the rest of their life

@Fantie

How do you imagine you would feel if once you do find your long term partner he met your younger self and had a bit of fun? Would you be ok with it? Genuinely interested

In my view if either partner in the relationship has an affair, the relationship cant be that strong.

I can't square all the blame being on the person having the affair. I'm not saying they are without censure, either. But If the relationship is in that much difficulty, there surely are clearly behaviours or issues with both parties? I don't mean this in a blame way, but happy partners in a strong relationship don't have affairs.

As for the OW/OM - they are not the main point. A symptom not a cause.

@M4issillusioned

If the affair is emotional as well as sexual it's usually because they don't think enough of themselves to think they're worth a man's sole attention

This was absolutely my experience.

@Mydogmylife

There's no point in engaging with folk like @Fantie or @Actaea on threads like this.

Surely you would have , as I said before, some feeling of loyalty/regard for a partner whom you presumably loved enough at one time to marry? People do silly things, don't they? Like stay with a partner they no longer love in a marriage which isn't satisfying either of them, out of a misguided idea of "loyalty". Then they meet someone ...

Here's a secret, if he is the love of your life you'll both be happy to wait (no contact, no sex) ... no sex, yes, but how do you know he's the love of your life if you have no contact?

How do you imagine you would feel if once you do find your long term partner he met your younger self and had a bit of fun?
I wouldn’t be ok with him cheating. But he’d be the only one to blame. It’s not the fault of some stranger who’s never met me and owes me nothing.

@Ginger1982

Sadly I think you're correct! Ah well, I had hoped we could have a real conversation under the cloak of mumsnet anonymity to at least try and understand behaviours that are so controversial rather than smart arse replies! Lesson learned

@Actaea

Thanks for responding - you wouldn't be ok? But still no awareness of how your current behaviour may impact on others even though you don't owe them anything? I would hope that sometimes folk would behave with regard to others just because it's the decent thing to do? I'm most definitely not letting the cheating partner off the hook at all by the way.