To not understand women who go with married men?

[Pennypringles]

I know I'm old fashioned and have a really strong moral compass but I just don't understand it!
Obviously I know it takes two to tango and all that but I would never go with someone's husband however much "his wife doesn't understand him".

@Cautionsharpblade

I doubt it.

That selfish attitude must extend into other areas of your life making you a rather unsatisfactory friend

I agree that we shouldn't expect more from women, and then judge them more harshly, but also, breaking marriage vows is not the depths of depravity. It's sex. Or it's love. Or something. It's not murder or child abuse and the drama and nonsense that it is written on here. It is the site's blind spot. Perhaps it is to be expected given that it's a site for married women. But expecting total strangers to revere and respect YOUR marriage is not realistic.

@tierraJ Interesting. And your account makes it clear that so called other women are just people. Sometimes lonely, sometimes pursued aggressively, sometimes mislead. But, on mumsnet, any pain you have felt as a single woman just doesn't ''weigh'' as much (if anything at all!) compared to a married woman's pain.

2 legs bad. 4 legs good. Single women bad and can feel no pain. Married women good and have the monopoly on pain.

Wife or girlfriend, If they are taken, they are taken, no matter how attractive they are or how many sparks are between you. Ditto if you have the ring.

Lots of good posts here, @FunderAnna, @divebar @Missingsandraohingreys

and yes, this is what drives me crazy about this narrative, it's so anti-feminist.

But expecting total strangers to revere and respect YOUR marriage is not realistic.

What cobblers! Its not about revering a strangers marriage. It's about knowing that after you've fucked your MM/W, they're going home to their unsuspecting spouse. It's hardly rocket science to understand that that spouse would be deeply upset if they knew what you'd just done and YOU know exactly what you've done.

I find it laughable that so many posters on here expect a complete stranger that is shagging a married man to care about the wife at home! I’ve got some news for you that maybe difficult to comprehend- not many people in life care about you. Maybe a few family members and a few close friends but not many more. I guarantee you that your neighbour 2 doors down who you say hello to once in a while couldn’t give a flying feck about you or your marriage. So given this, why would you expect a complete stranger who you have never met or spoken to in your life to care about whether you? More importantly, what responsibility does she have to care about you?

I agree that we shouldn't expect more from women, and then judge them more harshly, but also, breaking marriage vows is not the depths of depravity. It's sex. Or it's love. Or something. It's not murder or child abuse and the drama and nonsense that it is written on here. It is the site's blind spot. Perhaps it is to be expected given that it's a site for married women. But expecting total strangers to revere and respect YOUR marriage is not realisti

So true, @31RueCambon75001, so true

Because you can’t help who you fall in love with.

It’s very easy to spout the line “if you’re unhappy you should leave, then look for another relationship” but life just isn’t black and white like that.

Often long term marriages lose their sparkle and everyone is trapped in a mundane cycle. Sometimes, it takes meeting a special person to realise your marriage is over, or highlight the dullness/give you that kick up the arse you need to lose someone.

I don’t think most women set out to steal someone’s husband specifically. I just think it happens like that in the real world.

I’ve not or have never been the other woman. I just live in the real world. Not on a pious higher “moral ground”

@OneToughMudderFudder, it clearly isn't cobblers though.

If you've read the first chapter of how to win friends and influence people you'll know that everybody rationalises their own bad behavior, even if it is objectively bad behavior and not subjectively bad. This is human nature and you can't hack that. Along with individuals' desire to have sex. And other individuals' desire to combat loneliness, or feel seen or whatever.

I've never knowingly slept with a married man (who knows) but if I have, I'm happy to live in the real world like a heartening amount of posters on this thread actually! Relieved to see it.

Divebar: . None of the people I know having affairs are in that position.... the men are very proactive and opportunistic ( unless you’re going to say that chamber maids are super vixens) [what have chambermaids got to do with it? ]. They want something else.... whatever that is and they are choosing to step outside their marriage to find it

So what are you saying, that none of the men you know having affairs are having marital difficulties? How could you know, though, incidentally? And where do you hang out that you know so many men who are a) having an affair and b) having an affair for the same reasons as all the other unfaithful men that you know and that you know they just have them because they actively go on the hunt? You don’t really know what drove them to it, how can you know what has gone on between 2 people in a marriage? The OP asked an interesting question. What makes someone go with someone who they know to be married, knowing that, according to you, those men have proactively and opportunistically gone looking for a shag? I wouldn’t be anyone’s “quarry” in this situation, I just think I’m worth more than being just a place for a bored man to put his cock, thanks, but I assume that there ARE some people don’t really mind that they’re just a diversion or something. Maybe it DOES just come down to lust between both parties, which I could understand in a way in a one night stand situation. But then is that an “affair”?

Oh, I don’t know..... It just reminds me of, say, a 17/18 year old who has a crush on their single teacher who is only a few years older than themselves. As the teacher, you just don’t go there. The teacher is like the “OW”, the student acts like the “married” figure, ie, student knows what they want, and they want to have it. they just would like the attention and they feel the lust for their teacher even they know it’s not what is morally or socially accepted and it all feels a bit wrong. They quite like the excitement of it too and it relieves the boredom of lessons. Teacher (OW) is flattered by the attention and also finds the student attractive. A decent teacher would put off the student in some way. A dodgy one would not have many qualms about going for it, convincing themselves that it’s not illegal and that they both fancy each other so why not?

The point is it’s morally dubious. I know there is no “cheated spouse” in this scenario but it’s just what the lack of morals and shit stirring reminds me of.

Cautionsharpblade:
**I’m not interested in a relationship. Occasionally I’m interested in sex. All I want is for a man to come round, get it up, stick it in, maybe hang around afterwards for a quick cup of tea then fuck off and not contact me for a few weeks. A married man is perfect for this.”

Perhaps a single friend with benefits/fuck buddy would be even more perfect? Why not choose someone who is freely available, just wants sex, and isn’t interested in a relationship?

Perhaps it is to be expected given that it's a site for married women

Wasn’t aware it was called “MrsNet”

Curlyhairedassassin.

Well it comes as no surprise that I work in a male dominated industry. I know why a couple of men step outside their marriages ( are unfaithful but not necessarily ongoing affairs ) which is about sex or lack of. I certainly don’t know what the intimate details of all their relationships are you’re right, but I don’t need to because I see how they conduct themselves. They are funny and charming and sometimes handsome and they are out for a good time. They are most definitely not poor vulnerable victims being set upon by rabid single women determined to snare them. The chamber maid was one woman who was bedded by one colleague when he was staying at the hotel ( I doubt she knew much about his marital status) another has bedded his hairdresser. I’m not saying it’s ok but I’m tired of all the emphasis being placed on the “ OW”. Perhaps I should start a thread to ask why married people are unfaithful and see what answers we get.

(The analogy between the teacher and student doesn’t hold as firstly there is a disparity of power between adult and child and a teacher would have a legal responsibility towards his/ her student and any breech of that would be an offence )

This thread isn’t anti-feminist, it’s anti-humanist.

Interesting thread, where else would I learn that I have a street full of neighbours who couldn’t give a fuck about my wellbeing! I’ll remember to tell my neighbour that gem next time they take in a parcel for me or cut the grass in front of our house.

The other person believes they are speshul. If I found out a guy was married, I would instantly be turned off. If he could do that to the woman he has spent years with and made vows to, I would wonder what he's capable of. So many people are self centred and lack empathy. It's all shits and giggles til you are on the receiving end. Oh wait, it could never happen to you, as you're so fucking speshul.

Divebar: I’m not saying my analogy wasn’t flawed, because of the position of trust thing, it’s just what it all reminds me of. (I think it’s legal if student is over 18 now, I think in my day it was 16, I’m not sure).

Trying to think of some other situation where you could individuals could apply morals, or not, in a similar way......

Anyway.......

It’s been an eye opener! Takes all sorts to make a world etc etc

Curlyhairedassassin

We managed not to insult each other massively I hope - it was only my observations. You’re right it does take all sorts ( and I appreciate it’s a highly emotional subject)

Curlyhairedassassin-big lols-just because your neighbour takes a parcel in for you doesn’t mean they actually CARE about you, it’s just the polite thing to do. And I very much doubt they care about the state of your marriage.

And no one is saying they are ‘speshul’(??) or immune to a cheating partner. We’re just saying we would blame the person who is meant to care about us, and not the other person, who has no obligation to care about us.

I’d say it was his job as the married person to stay loyal to the wife he made promises to. I haven’t made any promises to his wife! Assuming I was single I’d think he was morally reprehensible but I don’t think it is up to me to guard his morals.

I’d not get involved with a married man as it is bound to end in drama but not because I’d feel I was morally in the wrong.

I was faithfully married for 12 years (amicable break up neither party cheated) so I have a moral compass- it’s just that it only dictates my behaviour not anyone else’s!

You're not unreasonable at all but some men can be very persuasive.

You cant carve your own morals and put those in stone @CurlyhairedAssassin. I see crap m that goes against my morals, excluding people, refusing to take responsibility, entitlement, manipulation, aggression, threats, intimidation... but i cant force my response and my reaction on others.
People have the right to their own reaction.

Other people's marriages shouldnt be taking up too much space in yr head. People behave far too badly to be concerning themselves with the institution of marriage imo.

@Divebar talks sense here.

At the same time, why do married women go after single men. Because they do, you know.

Many years ago, I started seeing someone. Had been on a few dates and slept together twice - overnight at mine. Went to her house and stayed the night there. In the morning she said she needed to tell me she was married but her husband was a way a lot.

I grabbed my clothes, my self respect, and left.

This is not a site just for married women btw it's for women who may be single or gay too

I see crap m that goes against my morals, excluding people, refusing to take responsibility, entitlement, manipulation, aggression, threats, intimidation.. but i cant force my response and my reaction on others

I see crap that goes against my morals and I stay well away from those kind of people. So I would stay away from a married man. This is what some of us can’t understand - why others would NOT stay away.