To not understand women who go with married men?

[Pennypringles]

I know I'm old fashioned and have a really strong moral compass but I just don't understand it!
Obviously I know it takes two to tango and all that but I would never go with someone's husband however much "his wife doesn't understand him".

I know that Bluntness but it is never impossible. Yes, sometimes it takes a long time, but it is always an option. An affair is the "easy" way out, a way to justify a situation because the option of leaving is too much hard work.

There is no excuse for cheating. None. And there’s no excuse for sleeping with a married man.

I don’t understand it myself.
It’s not exactly a good foundation to begin a relationship on if they’re expecting it to progress further.
I always think that if they’re willing to cheat WITH you then they’re going to be willing to cheat ON you.
I know we can’t always control our emotions or feelings towards another person and I’ve known couples that did begin their relationship with an affair and then have gone on to have long, happy marriages. However I have too strong of a moral compass to ever find myself in that situation.
And as for cheating on a partner, I just wouldn’t do that either. You work at any problems and if that becomes impossible, you go your separate ways prior to beginning a new relationship.

Obviously the married partner is the worst person.
I do ponder what man/women really wants someone else’s partner, knowing they go home to the partner, likely sleeping together and living family life.
I’ve been offered it on a plate by a man who’s only recently got back with his ex and even if I was single I couldn’t go there. I think his a complete shit but I’d have to have the morals of an ally cat to join in with his cheating fuckery.

Bluntness

I love how you find it kinder to assume that the cheated partner was more likely the reason behind the unhappiness of the Cheater. Very telling indeed

I love how you find it kinder to assume that the cheated partner was more likely the reason behind the unhappiness of the Cheater. Very telling indeed

In my case my cheated partner was 100% the reason. Emotionally abusive twat. The support of a married man helped me escape. On the face of it I might have looked like I was scum and a Jezebel and he was just after an ego boost, also scum or whatever. Only those involved in a situation can really know. I get an email from him once or twice a year checking how I am now.

I'm a little curious about how it is actually meant to work for women.

A great deal of women on Mumsnet seem to be very unhappily married. Their husbands are unsatisfactory for a variety of reasons usually involving a) excessive cycling and/or b) poor kitchen cleaning technique

Nevertheless Mumsnetters have strong views about 'cheating' being wrong. It seems clear that they have no desire for their existing husbands but to have desire for anybody else is clearly Very Very Very Bad indeed.

So what are they to do?

Obviously leave the cycling, non-kitchen cleaning bastards immediately.

But then what?

Dating someone anyone else cannot take place for approximately ten years because knowing that Mum fancies someone else will traumatise the children aka Darling Son and Darling Daughter for life. (Just possibly the Mum in question might form a new secret liaison while the darlings are being taken care of by evil cycling, non-kitchen cleaning ex, but the kids must Never Ever Know - because that will destroy them utterly. They are not ready....)

It doesn't actually sound like much of a way to live, does it?

@FunderAnna 😂

**
Yesterday 16:44 barryfromclareisfit

Because he’s hot?

I turn men down because they’re married but not because I owe any allegiance to their wives. If the man has made the decision to have sex outside the marriage, his wife has a quibble with him only.

This

@1moreRep

Yes exactly the same experience here.

As a single (reasonably conventionally attractive) woman in a big workplace I’d say about 4/7 of the (partnered up) managers tried it on a bit. Even the “nerdy short with specs butter wouldn’t melt” types.

It’s not your typical seduction with a sleazy Swiss Toni “type” and I’m not your typical (stereotypical) lots of Make up and heels “type”.

But letting me know they’re available and “can host” etc. Trying to subtly buy me a drink on work nights out. Calling me “babe” when no one else is in the room.

And then at the same time as a single woman I get lots of negative vibes from older women who are unhappily partnered up and either patronise and insult and dehumanise me (poor single childless weird saddo) or see me as a threat or don’t want me on a night out or ignore my friendly overtures and messages because I have the temerity to be a size 8 not a size 16. And I’m a bit ASD and BME so that’s another reason not to include me.

“Girly code”? What fucking girly code? If your face doesn’t fit you’re out and that’s it. Then I’m expected to Value Their Family System? Put their children’s needs above my own?

It’s easy to see how women rejected by this (alleged) community of women are like “fuck it, I’ll look after No. 1” and go with someone who is actually nice to me and pays me attention.

I was never an OW but I can certainly see how easy it is.

@FunderAnna spot on!

Divebar:

But in either scenario there’s a problem within the marriage that’s not being addressed before anyone else comes along. The affair is the symptom not the cause. Blaming an outside person is easier than looking at the painful realisation that you might have contributed in some way to the situation.

Stop blaming the person who was cheated on. You may as well say “she must have driven him to it.” It’s just victim blaming. It’s rare that there is fault on only one side of a partnership. But, anyway, it shouldn’t matter to an outsider why a couple, or one part of it, is unhappy. It doesn’t matter WHY the marriage is in trouble to anyone else, that’s their business and nothing to do wirh anyone else. All the outsider, considering going with the married person, needs to know is that this married person is having marital problems that are not yet addressed, and so they should stay away and give them a chance to sort it out. Having sex with that person opens Pandora’s Box (so to speak ) and potentially signal an end to their marriage. Once an affair has started there is no going back. For couples who take their vows seriously, that’s it, the end. A really rough patch can often be overcome with counselling etc. Couples can learn to communicate better or consider each other better etc, and get things on track again. For many an affair is unforgivable and can’t be undone.

You are there at a vulnerable time in that person’s relationship. Leave them the fuck alone till both parts of the couple has realised the marriage is unsalvageable and they are both single again.

CurlyhairedAssassin

Omg you are amazing. So spot on

AngelOf

Thank you for being honest. I respect that you owned that.

Yes our “community of women” is pretty shit.

But it’s really sad that we would go drag other women down for it. Really. We should be a force for good not bad.

The chested partner in your story is still the victim. You have no idea if she is part of that community of women who put you down..

Revenge is never a solution.

But I respect you for being open about human nature. I can honestly see it better now

I think there are probably lots of reasons why “OW” have relationships with married men. Most of the time like a pp said though, it’s likely just cos they fancy them.

For all the moral compass stuff, people often justify what they want to do to themselves. You might find in different circumstances op, that that could be you.

I have never (as far as I’m aware) has a relationship with someone married but I don’t think it’s all that different from other relationships.

Also I don’t think there is a “girl code” at play here. Why should women have to band together to stop men cheating?

I did it when i was in my early twenties. I was a very damaged person with low self esteem and not much in the way of positive role models or support network. And, in all my stupidity, I fell in love with him.

Not saying this to excuse my behaviour - obviously knew it wrong at the time. And I feel the wrongness of it more and more as I get older. Regret it bitterly and wish I could go back and undo it. But ...

Not sure what his justification for cheating was. Suspect it was restless cock syndrome...

@Wehttam it's not "us v them". I'm a married woman and have never knowingly been the OW, but I can see how and why it happens and I also see how society is quick to blame women for the indiscretions of men.

I also think if my DH went off with another woman I would despise her - so OP I have sympathy. It's just not a rational or a feminist position

They are lonely and justify it as ‘true love’
Or
They are insecure and accept shit men
Or
They are deluded and not very emotionally intelligent
Or
They don’t give a shit !

Unless they are shagging their sister/friends partner my ire is usually directed at the cheater

If we truly are feminist we need to move away from expecting ‘nice’ and kind behaviour from the fairer sex . IMHO

I truly think that’s the case for many .

CurlyhairedAssassin

I disagree. Once again the inference is the OW is predatory and targets the poor defenceless man who is vulnerable because he’s going through marital problems. What crap. None of the people I know having affairs are in that position.... the men are very proactive and opportunistic ( unless you’re going to say that chamber maids are super vixens) They want something else.... whatever that is and they are choosing to step outside their marriage to find it. I’m certainly not blaming the partner at home but that isn’t to say that they haven’t contributed in some way to the deterioration of the relationship. ( all cases are different) Once someone has been found to cheat it becomes very easy to say “He was unfaithful”... and he remains the villain for evermore. You could be stuck in a domestic violence situation but if you’re unfaithful it becomes the only fact that’s relevant apparently- it’s like the Top trumps of relationship break ups.

I’m not interested in a relationship. Occasionally I’m interested in sex. All I want is for a man to come round, get it up, stick it in, maybe hang around afterwards for a quick cup of tea then fuck off and not contact me for a few weeks. A married man is perfect for this. I don’t give a shit about his wife or his kids. Don’t even know their names. I know this sounds bloody awful but it’s what I do and it’s how I feel. If you met me IRL you’d probably think I was nice

@AngelOf yeah there's no girl code it's a nonsense. Ideally you have female friends who will always get your back, but women are just as competitive as men.

I had a brief affair with a married man once... it was 14 years ago, I was 29 & single. I never thought I would ever have an affair. I was too moral.

But... he was a good work friend & I had fallen in love with his personality as well as finding him attractive.
His wife lived abroad & he led me to believe they had a bad relationship.
He said he only stayed with her because he was a strict Catholic & didn't believe in divorce; he wished he'd met me first & married me instead. Truth or lies I'm not sure?
Our secret affair was brief as he moved away for his job & sure enough she came over to live with him & had a child with him.

I would never have an affair again - the guilt was horrible also I really got hurt as I had really fallen for him.

Apart from him multiple married men at work have asked me out / asked for my number / flirted with me / asked me to travel abroad with them / asked me for sex etc etc.

I'm not a flirt & quite shy but it seems that if men know you are single (I'm one of the few women at work who is single) then you are fair game.

One married man has even asked where I live because he plays football on a Friday after work and 'could call in on the way home'. I obviously told him no.
Yuck.

The single men I date are only after sex not relationships it seems & the married men I fend off are after sex too!
I feel like, is that all I'm worth?? Why doesnt a nice single man actually want a proper relationship with me??

I know one thing, if I was married I wouldn't trust my husband. It's a sad thing to say but I've known very few truly faithful married men.

Also I've known of quite a few unfaithful wives....

IMO those most at risk of affairs are those who've 'settled' rather than married the love of their life.

All this bullshit about OW/OM not knowing the betrayed spouse/not owing them anything is just that, bullshit. It's nothing to do with morals, whether they are 'jezebels' or whether they had low self esteem, it's about them deliberately putting themselves in situations where they will cause pain to another human being. Notice that the OW on here have said they wouldn't want it done to them.

Just horrible human beings full stop, without a shred of basic human empathy for their fellow women/men. Age is no excuse, even teenagers feel the pain of being cheated on.

Yes perhaps we shouldn't 'expect better' from women. I mean why should we? In life there are lovely men and there are shitty men so it therefore follows that there are lovely women and there are shitty women. Maybe we just need to accept this. Perhaps any reluctance to do so has something to do with the notion that women can't separate love and sex when clearly they can.

Gleefully declaring that you don't give a shit about someone's family whilst enjoying helping to potentially wreck it is just something I can't get my head around. But perhaps that's because I'm a nice person rather than a nice woman.