Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand women who go with married men?

355 replies

Pennypringles · 22/09/2019 16:31

I know I'm old fashioned and have a really strong moral compass but I just don't understand it!
Obviously I know it takes two to tango and all that but I would never go with someone's husband however much "his wife doesn't understand him".

OP posts:
Magicpaintbrush · 23/09/2019 13:54

It's obvious why 2 people have sex isn't it, or want to see each other? Because they want to. No more or less complicated than that.

Yeah - if they're single. It's a bit less black and white than that if they aren't isn't it. Hmm

KUGA · 23/09/2019 13:54

If there were no bad women there would be no bad men and vice-versa.
I loath cheating end of.

Bartlet · 23/09/2019 13:59

The main problem with this seems to be the unrealistic expedition of life long fidelity which has been sold to us. The anger and bitterness of the cheated on wives here is palpable and the only people they’re hurting are themselves and probably their children.

It’s an age old problem. Sexual attraction over so called social norms. Now women can own their reproductive choices and are no longer stoned for exerting sexual freedom then of course this is going to happen.

FloatingObject · 23/09/2019 14:16

I think women who knowingly become OW are insecure and "go" with married men for two reasons:

  1. It somehow makes them feel special (he has a wife but he prefers me!!!!)
  2. Its low risk (when they inevitably get dumped, they can tell themselves it was inevitable because hes married, not because of them)
Notallitseemstobe · 23/09/2019 14:23

I'm married and having an affair with a married man.

Most affairs happen between married people because a single person would have unrealistic ideas and expectations about the relationship.

As for going for a another woman's man, he's the one looking for an affair for his own reasons. Not my issue.

Weirdgifter · 23/09/2019 14:28

Fraggling

It seems like most women who make good candidates for being OW (knowingly) are those that see intimacy as nothing more than the physical aspect and relationships as shallow.

Very much the mindset of a married man, who probably doesn’t appreciate that his marriage needs some compromise on aspects because there are kids taking attention away or because his wife is going through health problems or because the relationship needs him to invest something more meaningful than just the physical side... he feels trapped in a meaningful relationship and goes looking for something that requires nothing from him but what he enjoys.

They do suit very much. Until the OW starts having non shallow needs and suddenly becomes history too.

Weirdgifter · 23/09/2019 14:40

And it might be that those shallow women derive their sense of esteem and security from their physical appearance or performance or sexual attention and other aspects which clearly many married women might struggle with due to family circumstances.

They feel secure that they don’t have to compete with many women who like them are single and instead with probably a mother, or a wife going through relationship strain and so on... for that mans flattery..

Must give immense security to know that the man feel so lucky with you.. because he is struggling to get that from his wife..

But must feel incredibly shit to contemplate how he will be like with you if you suddenly decide to settle down like his wife and want a family like every human... which comes with compromise.

Those girls go into things insecure and shallow. Either wisen up the hard way when they decide to settle.. or end up left behind.

Or... they have their own families already and are looking for a relationship with not much commitment and are being extremely selfish.. but they see it as their needs aren’t less important than that of the wife and are fighting for a trophy that’s rubbish and unworthy because they have very low standards for men based on their experience and because they derive some
Joy I’m knowing they’re not the only ones with a family that’s broken.

Lilena94 · 23/09/2019 14:44

It’s an ego boost just as it’s an ego boost for the married man.
It’s the thrill of the chase and the excitement of something new and dangerous

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 23/09/2019 14:49

Or perhaps, women who have been cheated on employ Cognitive Dissonance in spades to rationalise why they've been hurt so badly.
Because it is so much easier to focus the (justified) anger at a faceless, nameless stranger who "invaded her life and took her loving DH away".
It makes it easier to deal with than the unpalatable truth. The DH's cheat on their DW because they want to.
There's a word for unconsenting sex. These men are not unwilling. But it makes the balance easier to tolerate, to think he'd still be a perfect Husband if it wasn't for her.

Notallitseemstobe · 23/09/2019 14:57

Yes, us OW stalk married men in packs, trying to distract and pick off the weakest so we can have our wicked way with them.

Poor weak men.

Weirdgifter · 23/09/2019 15:01

Notallitseemstobe

No you don’t. But you just have your moral
Compass and empathy switched off out of choice and we are trying to get to the bottom of why you decided to switch that off.

Notallitseemstobe · 23/09/2019 15:11

Oh really?

I'm very empathic. I'm having an affair with man whose wife decided to withdraw all intimacy, as did my DH.

Marriages are complex, there are no heroes and villains although many women would prefer there were.

Ginger1982 · 23/09/2019 15:12

@Notallitseemstobe then why not leave and make a clean break?

Happyspud · 23/09/2019 15:17

@Fraggling, I never said that so calm down. The men (or women) who cheat are by far the ‘worse’ party in the pair. My point was that this thread is about the women who get together with married men and they are scum. Pure and simple.

Would you like to start a thread on men who cheat because I’ve a few things to say about those people too.

Actaea · 23/09/2019 15:27

I think it has a lot to do with movies which have sold us the idea that true love conquers all. How many films have you seen where one or both people are taken, but then they fall in love with someone else and end their relationship. And it’s all ok because it’s True Love, you can’t stand in the way of that. It’s not surprising that the idea gets applied in everyday life. My affair partner lived with his girlfriend but we were in love so surely it was ok for us to get together, he could just dump her because he obviously didn’t love her. Etc.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/09/2019 15:35

@Notallitseemstobe leave then.

Always an excuse with people who have affairs. Stop being cowards and just leave.

Weirdgifter · 23/09/2019 15:38

Notallitseemstobe

I forgot to mention, your lack of empathy is towards the wife and your husband. Not towards the man you are shagging- because that’s convenient.

Wouldn’t call that empathy. I would call that justifying your own desire for an affair. You got your empathy defined wrong.

Bartlet · 23/09/2019 15:44

But why should she leave Waxoff? A relationship is more than just sex so if everything else is working ok and there are kids involved then why not just enjoy some sex on the side? Many people see relationships like I do - a mutual decision to share lives together for the current time with no lifelong obligation on either side and that sex can be very separate to love/ commitment.

The fetishisation of sexual fidelity has a lot to answer for lots of disappointment and feelings of betrayal. Whoever sold us this idea that it was possible/ desirable?

Fraggling · 23/09/2019 15:49

Calm down Grin

Fraggling · 23/09/2019 15:50

Men /religion /patriarchy

Make sure the men know who the babies belong to

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2019 15:52

Gosh, some of the responses on here are very sad, and very telling. Insulting the other women, calling them shallow etc. Which clearly doesn't explain why then the two people involved often set up home together and go on to have a long and happy relationship.

Yes sometimes it's just sex. Sometimes it's more. Way more. Every story is different.

As said before though, seldom is the other woman in it just for the sex, and is told that's all it is. And I think the posters hurling abuse know that.

Sometimes people cheat for the excitement. Often they cheat as a way out of an unhappy marriage. Other times they cheat as a way to cope with an. Unhappy marriage. Seldom if someone is truly happily married will they play away.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/09/2019 15:54

@Bartlet er, because if either of their spouses find out then they could be terribly hurt, as could the children involved?

If you have an open relationship, fine. If you don't then it's unfair on your partner.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2019 15:56

If you have an open relationship, fine. If you don't then it's unfair on your partner.

But it's also unfair to withdraw all physical intimacy and expect your spouse to be celibate. That's by far more unfair, And in the scenario posted that's what happened.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/09/2019 15:59

Bluntness that's why you leave then.

I am divorced. This notion that you "must stay together for the children" is bizarre to me, it all screams "keeping up appearances." What's the point in staying in unhappy situations, sneaking around, lying, hurting other people when you could just separate and be happier?

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2019 16:04

Leaving someone isn't as black and white as you seem to think. Sometimes children, money, many things make it more complicated.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread