AIBU to be concerned about carer and my frail Father?

[Parsley65]

My Dad is 90 and increasingly frail. He currently lives independently in elderly block, but is really at the stage of needing 24 hour care as he's becoming a danger to himself (falls, etc.)
Over the past few months he has been talking about a new 'carer' who he met by chance. She started off by going to see him for a couple of hours a week, but quickly become indispensable and is now with him 30 + hours a week.
She is paid generously, in cash. She takes him to all his appointments, to the bank, shopping, lunches, etc.
I live 20 miles away, see him once or twice a week and am getting increasingly concerned about his dependence on her. The last straw is that he has changed his will, leaving her £20,000. She had told him of her long held wish to start her own business once he's gone and that she doesn't want to continue as a carer. Apparently they have planned it together.
I've met her a couple of times and she is very friendly, helpful and attentive. He won't hear a word against her, insists she's his friend, that he loves her and that he is happier now than he has been for years.
I'm not sure what to do and would appreciate your help and advice...

Definitely right to be concerned. Sorry I haven't rtft yet, but will do so in a sec.

My mum wasn't elderly, but was in poor health, and lived in sheltered accommodation with carers. Had a career who became a "friend". Myself and my aunt were suspicious, but constantly reassured that she was a friend and didn't take any money etc.

Turns out this was total bollocks, mum was lending money, paying for trips etc. The woman would get money out for mum using her bank card. Thankfully, I had power of attorney in place, and randomly checked some paperwork I was looking after for mum, and noticed frequent cash withdrawals and got to the bottom of things eventually. Went to social services and the police and the woman eventually admitted it all and went to jail. She had got somewhere between 12 and 20 grand all in. Police found mums engagement ring in the woman's bedroom when they searched her house.

It was awful, and mum felt so foolish and upset when it all came out, as she had trusted the woman.

People like this are absolute scum and prey on the elderly. I hope you can help your dad see sense, it's an awful situation to be in

It really does sound like this "carer" and her mother are taking advantage of your father sadly, and by offering to be the main caters they are controlling the situation. Is there any way you can take trace from work etc and maybe stay with your dad for a few weeks, or have him come up and stay with you?
Have you checked all his bank accounts?

Oh dear it gets even more worrying. Is there any way that you could either stay there for a while or have your Dad stay with you ? The best solution would be for him to move closer to you, but this woman will do everything she can to manipulate him by the sound of it. I think you have to say no to the woman increasing her hours, or her mother (or “mother” ) helping too. Can you randomly drop round there ?
I agree with the camera too. I would be fighting this any way I could.

Just read your update OP. I'm glad SS are involved now, I hope they're helpful. It's ringing so many alarm bells now the mother is now trying to get involved, to stop your father becoming less dependent on the daughter. So so dodgy

This is a known scam OP. You need to find out as much as you can about this woman and her family and involve the police. Does your father have any valuables in the house and are they still there? Could you set up any covert cameras?

My blood pressure shot up when reading your update - alarm bells are ringing loud and clear.

I think you should keep it polite and professional. Say that your father’s needs are only going to increase and you cannot rely on one person to care for him. What if he were to have a fall, for example? He would need a trained team to check he was ok and to lift him (and not some random heavies that she might say she could call on). Plus, if he ever needed lifted, you would “feel awful if you were to hurt herself trying to help him”. If she persists, say you would feel happier if you knew she had insurance, registration and training (what’s the likelihood of that??).

Be firm about this. Say you want the best solution for everyone and that if she has his best interests at heart she ought to agree.

You don’t want to antagonise her at this stage as she is in a position to “poison” your father against you.

I wish you luck - and all the power of social services.

If she persists, say you would feel happier if you knew she had insurance, registration and training (what’s the likelihood of that??)

OP mentioned upthread that the "carer" doesn't have any training and certainly didn't come through an agency; it seems he could be absolutely anyone

She, not he - sorry

Did you manage to ask about seeing his bank statements OP? I'd be concerned that he was giving her large sums of money or she was taking it. It's the first thing I would be checking.

Unfortunately something similar happened in our family. My FIL's cousin was suddenly befriended by a very distant relation (after no contact for years) and she got very suspicious of any help we gave her (after accepting it for years with no problem!) When she died my FIL was cut out of the will in favour of this distant relation. We couldn't prove anything of course but we don't know what was being said when we were not around. My FIL (who was very elderly himself) was very upset as they had been very close and he had even given her somewhere to live for long periods. It was so sad to witness - not just because of the money but because he couldn't understand how a lifelong friendship could be so quickly and easily put aside.

Maybe suggest she /her dm fill in forms for a dbs check.
She prob won't even want to give you her real address..

Any update today?

Your last update is worrying.

Please continue to pull out all tjr stops..

This is well known technique.... Vague suspicions are raised... Mention of social services... The scammer then ups their game (here by offering her mother as 'extra')... In order to stop social services providing workers... So to keep their victim in their sights....
So your dad is being colonised/groomed by these women.
Grim situation... Happened in my family.

Also assuming they are con artists... When they realise that questions are being asked... They're likely to speed up the fraud and take stuff now rather than do a slowly slowly modus operandi....

In view of this, can you ensure anything of value is protected.... Take it away temporarily.

I would also let people know... Be vague... That due to financial irregularity the police have advised you fit several covert cctv which has been done(obvs you don't have to do this)... You may find stuff suddenly reappearing.... This happened to a colleague of mine....
Suddenly bank cards /a wallet turned up (which they'd spent weeks look for) under a chair that the cleaner 'suddenly' found...
Being that the victim was chair bound there is no way it could have been there, without someone else putting it there....and as colleague said... It hadn't been there the previous week (it had been missing for a month plus)... As he said... His mistake was treating untrustworthy people with honesty... With a white lie re cctv.. (there were no cameras!).... Brought the thieves into light

There was a case reported, l think it may have been in Saga magazine, of elderly man with dementia who had married his carer. She had cleared off to Cyprus but inherited everything when he died. Apparently you can have dementia so bad a solicitor will not allow you to make a will but there is nothing to stop you getting married.

I'd get in touch with social services maybe the MASH team at your local authority (safeguarding hub) which you can do 24/7 as a relative- they deal with safeguarding issues as this is potential financial abuse you would be well in your rights to do this. Ask about a mental capacity test- if he is deemed as having no capacity then he is being abused and the will is invalid.
I manage within healthcare FYI

Also, shoutloud, get the name of the safeguarding manager and keep asking for updates. The louder you shout, the more you will be listened to (unfortunately). Social Care is all about firefighting these days with all the cuts.

I would definitely get digging on her, how he met her, look on SM.

Report to adult social care safeguarding ASAP, if she's genuine she wouldn't accept him changing his will to her benefit.

Dodgy as fuck

Where is the will..if it’s not lodged with a solicitor then unless she has a copy there’s no official record
Have you a copy of a previous will
If this new one can’t be found then the previous one is still valid

www.tmsolicitors.co.uk/is-a-photocopy-of-a-will-still-valid/

This has made me feel so sad . When my maiden great aunt became elderly and needing help the vultures started circling . Her will was changed a few months before she died leaving money to a distant relative who, out of nowhere had suddenly started ringing her ( she lived in Scotland , we are in England ) it was so sad that she had been taken advantage of and manipulated . It will be hard to get this woman out of your dads life I'm afraid , without running the risk of alienating him . Is there any way he could live with you for a spell ?

Any update OP??

Hope things are improving.

Thank you all for your wise words and support.
I've had a really busy couple of weeks getting POA registered at various financial institutions.
Turns out the carer isn't 'known' to police, but SS are digging around and giving weekly updates.
DF has also had some health problems and has agreed that more care is needed, so I'm onto that and will be going through stringent checks with anyone new! I hope to be able to 'dilute' her power.
The main issue is that he is officially of sound mind and as such can do what he likes with his money. He still won't hear a word against the carer. Insists she's his friend, is on his side and that she isn't after his money.
It's like a hellish merry-go-round without an off button.

Just seen your update. Hope your DF is ok and you are keeping a close eye