AIBU to be concerned about carer and my frail Father?

[Parsley65]

My Dad is 90 and increasingly frail. He currently lives independently in elderly block, but is really at the stage of needing 24 hour care as he's becoming a danger to himself (falls, etc.)
Over the past few months he has been talking about a new 'carer' who he met by chance. She started off by going to see him for a couple of hours a week, but quickly become indispensable and is now with him 30 + hours a week.
She is paid generously, in cash. She takes him to all his appointments, to the bank, shopping, lunches, etc.
I live 20 miles away, see him once or twice a week and am getting increasingly concerned about his dependence on her. The last straw is that he has changed his will, leaving her £20,000. She had told him of her long held wish to start her own business once he's gone and that she doesn't want to continue as a carer. Apparently they have planned it together.
I've met her a couple of times and she is very friendly, helpful and attentive. He won't hear a word against her, insists she's his friend, that he loves her and that he is happier now than he has been for years.
I'm not sure what to do and would appreciate your help and advice...

Some people in the industry on here then.

@Hont1986 You think a paid carer should be left £20 k for 4 months work? Fucking hell.

And Hont rereading the OP it is clear she is being employed to be a carer.

@seaweedandmarchingbands I think you are missing my point.

1. I haven't said you aren't allowed an opinion. Why would anyone say/think that?
2. I have explained how your posts seem, to me, to be very 1-sided and a little inconsistent.
3. That's my opinion! We are disagreeing... that's all!

Don't take it personally! Not on an anonymous forum!

CuriousaboutSamphire

I am not taking anything personally. I am simply explaining to you why you are incorrect, and why my refraining from commenting on a particular aspect of an AIBU doesn’t imply any specific view.

@Hont1986

OP who admits that her elderly, frail father needs 24hr care but visits once or twice a week

And who lives 20 miles away, and could be working, caring for grandchildren etc.

Granted, we don’t know she is. But we also don’t know she isn’t. What we do know is that she has been her father’s daughter for all of her life, while the carer has only been on the scene a few months.

Theres a contradiction in some if these posts - he has to agree to the POA being activated or the OP has to prove lack of capacity. If he lacks capacity he cant change his will back because he has to have capacity to do that.....

Ger advice. Start with the safeguarding team.

Sadly I've seen this a lot. I think you need to get social services involved. The awful thing is its not always possible to do anything about it if he's of sound mind. These people are parasites.

@starfishmummy to set a last power of attorney up, the person has to have capacity in order to agree to it. Once a person has lost that capacity, you can't set up an LPOA. It's why it's so important that we should all have these things put in place way before we might need one. Me, DH and my mum are about to get ours sorted. And our wills which we embarrassing haven't done yet.

I think you are right to be concerned. You don't even know that she is a 'carer'. He met her by chance, and presumably he/ you didn't feel that he needed full time care at the time it started otherwise you'd have been getting it for him.

She could be anyone and she doesn't sound very professional!

And with my HR hat on your Dad has probably become her employer if she is working for him exclusively and that is a whole mine field you don't want to get in to.

And if I can be shown that he lacked capacity to make the decision to change his will at the time that he did it, it can be changed back.

I think you need to tread carefully here OP. Your father has admitted to having feelings for his Carer. You don’t want to put yourself in a situation where he feels he needs to choose between you or cover up her behaviour.

Now, if she’s identifying herself as DF’s Carer (as opposed to a GF), and being paid the going rate for her services then I would think it completely reasonable to ask to see her DBS certificate. If she doesn’t have one, it wouldn’t be hard for her to apply for one. This is an absolute basic for people being paid to look after vulnerable adults, whether employed through an agency or not. This would at least flag up if she did have previous form for this (financial abuse).

Whether legal or not to accept a generous gift from someone you are paid to care for, it is still morally very dodgy. I have worked with elderly patients for a long time (yes, I even have qualifications ) and could never imagine accepting anything more than a box of chocolates at Christmas.

It's possible that the daughter has tried to help or arrange 24 hour care but the father has refused. I'm a professional carer and many elderly people take a long time to come to terms with the fact that they need help, especially when it's suggested by their own children.

Now, if she’s identifying herself as DF’s Carer (as opposed to a GF), and being paid the going rate for her services then I would think it completely reasonable to ask to see her DBS certificate. If she doesn’t have one, it wouldn’t be hard for her to apply for one. This is an absolute basic for people being paid to look after vulnerable adults, whether employed through an agency or not. This would at least flag up if she did have previous form for this (financial abuse).

She is being paid by the OP’s father. He can ask to see her DBS, if he wants to. Unless he actually lacks capacity and the OP takes over responsibility for decisions regarding his care, she has no rights other than to inform SS if she is concerned. Her DF ‘won’t hear a word against’ the carer, so it’s likely he would react badly to that anyway (read: cut the OP out of his will).

These threads generally make me feel a bit ill. All about money, rarely about the elderly person who is - by the OP’s admission - perfectly happy and being well-cared for. It’s his money, at the end of the day

It's a fair point, but the trouble is that when these things go wrong - as they often do - the senior person can be left utterly devastated; it may not be an exaggeration to say the shock and distress could even shorten their lives

Personally I'd contact someone like Age UK and see what they advise as a first step

Not everyone can see their elderly parents every day, it isn’t always possible. When my Mum was being scammed my brother, who lived closest but still an hour away, saw her weekly. I lived two and a half hours away and had little children, so saw her once a month.

I am shocked that some posters are putting an opportunistic chancer above an old man’s own child ! Most of us want our children to inherit, I certainly want to leave anything I have to my dds, not to some predator.

Living arrangements take time to change, and the OP loves and cares for her father.

Puzzledandpissedoff

I agree, but I think if the OP was worried about that she would already have made arrangements for her father, or at least intervened in this odd-sounding arrangement before the woman had an opportunity to get him to change his will, and not just because he did!

I know that @justintimberlakesfishwife the OP says they have done that.
But there was talk of actually activating it which means they are effectively saying he now lacks the capacity to run his own affairs. And if he lacks capacity they cant get him to change his will to remove this carer, because he would also not be considered capable enough to do that. Theyd have to prove that he was not capable when he put this carer in it

Wow, thank you to everyone for all the opinions and advice.
I've read through all of it and really appreciate your help and input.
I'm in the process of gathering evidence before I report her to anyone. Will try my own methods, but my Dad definitely needs more help/care. I'm going to register him with a reputable agency. I'll keep the original carer informed and begin the process of diluting his dependence on her. I'll innocently ask about her contract, DBS certificate, etc. At the moment I've just said to her that he's been a bit over reliant on her recently and we need to get other people involved to help her out!
I have got POA from years ago (suggested by my Father.) and have started the process of registering that at various financial institutions. I'll suggest she gets paid (along with the new agency) via bank transfer.
I must also hold up my hands here. My Dad has always been so independent and hates to be a 'bother' but think I've taken my eye off the ball (work, kids, etc) and so he's latched onto this woman. He's been a bit vague on how he met her. Thinks it was through his ex cleaner...

@starfishmummy that's exactly what I said, though!

Good plan @Parsley65

Good luck with it!

If your father has full mental capacity he can basically do whatever he likes with his will . I think I would work on the basis that 20 k is a lot less than him being in a home . 20k would be spent after 4 months and it is reassuring that the carer is looking after him so well .

If your DF is paying her, surely it should be through the proper channels so that her tax and insurance is covered. Infact OP, you must surely want to get everything in order, so that her pension isn't jeopardized in the future, through no NIC having been paid? Your father surely wouldn't want her to suffer in the future, because he hadn't handled things in the right way?

I think I would work on the basis that 20 k is a lot less than him being in a home . 20k would be spent after 4 months and it is reassuring that the carer is looking after him so well .

You do understand that this planned inheritance is in addition to him paying her for the work she is currently doing? There are not many jobs where you are guaranteed a 20K bonus after being there only a few months. She's not a banker.