AIBU to be concerned about carer and my frail Father?

[Parsley65]

My Dad is 90 and increasingly frail. He currently lives independently in elderly block, but is really at the stage of needing 24 hour care as he's becoming a danger to himself (falls, etc.)
Over the past few months he has been talking about a new 'carer' who he met by chance. She started off by going to see him for a couple of hours a week, but quickly become indispensable and is now with him 30 + hours a week.
She is paid generously, in cash. She takes him to all his appointments, to the bank, shopping, lunches, etc.
I live 20 miles away, see him once or twice a week and am getting increasingly concerned about his dependence on her. The last straw is that he has changed his will, leaving her £20,000. She had told him of her long held wish to start her own business once he's gone and that she doesn't want to continue as a carer. Apparently they have planned it together.
I've met her a couple of times and she is very friendly, helpful and attentive. He won't hear a word against her, insists she's his friend, that he loves her and that he is happier now than he has been for years.
I'm not sure what to do and would appreciate your help and advice...

@seaweedandmarchingbands but if the elderly person does not have the capacity to make the decision to change his will, then support to do this needs to be given through the correct legal channels. This is to prevent financial abuse, of people taking advantage of someone vulnerable.

justintimberlakesfishwife

He has capacity. There is no suggestion he doesn’t know what he is doing here, as far as I can see.

And if he doesn’t, the OP should already have acted to protect him. Why is he so vulnerable, if he is, indeed, vulnerable?

@seaweedandmarchingbands the OP has said he is forgetful and can get easily confused. So no, he may not have the capacity to make a massive financial decision like changing his will. This doesn't mean that he can't do it, but it needs to be done in the correct way.

Well yes ideally he'd have an LPA in place. But lots of people don't know about them, sadly. And capacity is situation specific. So the vulnerability is from the significant financial decision. Not necessarily something the OP could have predicted.

justintimberlakesfishwife

If he doesn’t have capacity, the OP is remiss because her father has been left in a situation where he is vulnerable. I am not suggesting he definitely has it - I have no idea - but it certainly doesn’t seem to be her central concern.

Plus the OP has said that the carer makes him happy, so she has respected this and allows him to make his own decisions regarding their relationship. That sounds very loving and respectful to me.

I'd definitely be wary of this and get on to the police or safeguarding team. Does she take your dad out and about? Does she have acccess to his bank card /pin number to withdraw money 'for' him? Have you seen back statements recently?
It does seem suspicious that she's an unqualified carer, suddenly taking an interest in your father like that. If they've had conversations about her starting a business, I would take a punt that your dad's told her how much money he has - perhaps not directly, but if he's mentioned he owns his house, she'll have a good idea.
Does she know he's changed his will?
I"m sure there are instances where people care for others completely genuinely and there's nothing in it other than good will and being neighbourly, but in my line of work I've seen many cases of carers stealing from / taking advantage of elderly people - whether they have capacity or not - and in your situation, I'd be very very wary.

Bit convenient how the ‘significant decisions’ people object to are usually the financial ones. It seems her father should be considered capable of everything else, because without this carer he has basically been left to it, hasn’t he? That’s why the space has emerged for her to build a relationship with him. He obviously needs and wants help, and now he has it.

@seaweedandmarchingbands the OP is concerned and has come on here for advice!

allows him to make his own decisions regarding their relationship

How magnanimous of her.

the OP is concerned and has come on here for advice!

All the OP has shown concern about is money.

If he is happy, he is happy. He’s in the last years of his life and probably feels lonely and unsafe without someone regularly around and offering affection. The OP can’t do that, so he has found someone who can. So you are advocating Late Life Care Prostitution! Yay!

All the OP has shown concern about is money. and the carer?

@seaweedandmarchingbands yes clearly the OP just wants the money . Thankfully there are safeguarding teams that can help the OP, who will understand the situation, rather than people on here who don't.

I would put cameras in the house first off. Then find out all you can about this person. Inform the police if you don’t unearth anything incriminating so they can do more investigation.
If none of this works I would speak to this woman and tell her that is is completely inappropriate for her to be accepting money left in his will to this amount.
If she was legitimate she would not have agreed to it. It’s completely unethical.

Prostitution 😂

Look, each person here is entitled to an opinion and that’s mine. This comes across (to me) as nothing but worry that the woman is going to receive ‘her’ money.

And cameras in his house without his consent? ILLEGAL. 😂

@ThingsImighthavedone you can't put cameras in the house unless the OP's father agreed to it! And the police won't do anything unless the local safeguarding team have gone through the necessary processes, he's been deemed as not having capacity and she has been found to be financially abusing him. There is a who system in place to deal with these situations.
But I agree that she should not have accepted his will change. That rings alarm bells for me.

How long has she been caring for your DF? Do you not think this could be a genuine friendship. This women is there caring for your DF because you/other family haven't stepped in to care.

I'm not judging you for not caring for your DF but you can't blame this friendship blossoming. Perhaps your DF is of sound mind and just appreciates all this women has done for him. I'm very interested to know how long she's been caring for him for.

How dare he spend his money?! Doesn't he know he should be as frugal as possible now that you're so close to that inheritance?

He needs a full-time carer, he has got a full-time carer, he's paying for it with his own money.

I have had this happen in my family. There is nothing you can do as long as he has personal capacity. I do sympathise though, it is awful.

@hont Perhaps. But in our case the carer was financially exploiting him. We were just told he had capacity and was legally entitled to pay way over the odds for his care.

Also from experience, the vulnerable adults safeguarding team were a waste of time. They told us there had been a complaint about this carer before. Then a man came out and interviewed the relative while the carer was in the room. The relative said everything was absolutely fine, and the safeguarding team said there were no issues.
The elder abuse careline told us that it was comparable to someone hiring a gardener who was not ood at their job and charged too much, and there was nothing they could do.

OP says this has been going on for a few months.

Carer is well paid - fair enough, many only get NMW.

Long-term carer receives small legacy? Fair enough - but 20K after 4 months is a LOT.

And there is potential for the will to be changed again, so it all goes to the carer.... so for a year or two’s full-time caring (he is 90, after all) she receives £300K plus the house - in what universe is that fair or proportionate?

Definitely seek advice, OP - Age UK or adult safeguarding team.