AIBU to be concerned about carer and my frail Father?

[Parsley65]

My Dad is 90 and increasingly frail. He currently lives independently in elderly block, but is really at the stage of needing 24 hour care as he's becoming a danger to himself (falls, etc.)
Over the past few months he has been talking about a new 'carer' who he met by chance. She started off by going to see him for a couple of hours a week, but quickly become indispensable and is now with him 30 + hours a week.
She is paid generously, in cash. She takes him to all his appointments, to the bank, shopping, lunches, etc.
I live 20 miles away, see him once or twice a week and am getting increasingly concerned about his dependence on her. The last straw is that he has changed his will, leaving her £20,000. She had told him of her long held wish to start her own business once he's gone and that she doesn't want to continue as a carer. Apparently they have planned it together.
I've met her a couple of times and she is very friendly, helpful and attentive. He won't hear a word against her, insists she's his friend, that he loves her and that he is happier now than he has been for years.
I'm not sure what to do and would appreciate your help and advice...

If your DF is paying her, surely it should be through the proper channels so that her tax and insurance is covered. Infact OP, you must surely want to get everything in order, so that her pension isn't jeopardized in the future, through no NIC having been paid? Your father surely wouldn't want her to suffer in the future, because he hadn't handled things in the right way?

In fact, OP, that may be a way in to broach the subject with him. You want to make sure she has proper employment rights etc, you can describe it as "doing right by her". What is he going to do if she is ill, or if she wants to go on holiday - surely it's a good idea to have a relationship with an agency to provide cover at such times.

PuzzledObserver
You do understand that this planned inheritance is in addition to him paying her for the work she is currently doing? There are not many jobs where you are guaranteed a 20K bonus after being there only a few months. She's not a banker.

You’re not taking into account that she’s not going to get the 20k now, she will get it when he dies - which could be several years from now. If it turns out that this wasn’t a scam (although I’m somewhat pessimistic about this), and she continued to care for him for say another 5 years, then 20k to prevent him from having to go into a home starts to seem more reasonable,

I've just said to her that he's been a bit over reliant on her recently and we need to get other people involved to help her out!

I like the sound of your plans, OP, and I like this ^^ that you've already said. Just in case this woman is ill-intentioned, though, you might want to keep an especially close eye on things at a time when she might feel her influence is slipping

FWIW I agree that £20k is nothing compared to what a home would cost, but it's more the precedent which would worry me and where it could lead if your DF comes to think that giving her large sums is normal

@MrsFezziwig

You’re not taking into account that she’s not going to get the 20k now, she will get it when he dies - which could be several years from now. If it turns out that this wasn’t a scam (although I’m somewhat pessimistic about this), and she continued to care for him for say another 5 years, then 20k to prevent him from having to go into a home starts to seem more reasonable

It would seem more reasonable after 5 years, yes, but a 4K bonus per year is still more than most people can think in terms of. What’s to say that, 2 or 3 years down the line, he might decide he needs to up it. And it is not normal in any caring profession for people to receive large gifts or bequests from clients/patients. It is frowned on for very good reasons

There is still the concern about NI and income tax, even if the woman is perfectly innocent. And holiday/sickness cover, if he does in fact need 24 hour care.

The behaviour is abusive and repetitive it will not be a £20k one off. They repeatedly come back for more money from new patient targets.

We want registration and legislation to establish and maintain a full log of all of the inheritances received by workers in the care industry.

I work in care and this is huge red flags for me sounds typical grooming of a vulnerable person .It actually happened in my family and there was nothing we could do as said relative had capacity and there is the problem you will hit .If your dad has capacity then safeguarding won't want to know .It made me so angry the said "friend " knew full well i knew what they were up too they had regular large amounts of money .Started with the sob story and then they become the new best friend .It happens so often.

@hearthside

I don’t work in healthcare I have observed this predatory behaviour long term as a neighbour. I regard the people involved as vile.

The trouble is once you are dead it is chapter closed and the guilty escape unpunished.

It is easy money.

Unfortunately the care industry attracts these types.

The person involved is now works as a volunteer with elderly dementia sufferers.

The checks and balances don’t work.

What you post rings true especially the “sob story” and playing the victim. This behavioural type is a large red flag.

Anyone with elderly parents should be aware of these dangers of elder abuse.

I am really angry. Sorry.

Thank you.

Am not giving an opinion about the OP but I am a registered nurse and work in a nursing home . Our residents are regularly visited by their previous carers ...lots of lovely people who genuinely care about their wellbeing and actually care more than family!! We are very switched on about visitors and their intentions, and it’s fair to say that the family are not always the most caring and intuitive for their loved one !

I do have a problem with people who consider all carers as ‘criminals ‘ The girls and guys that I work with are the most amazing lovely people and they work bloody hard...12 hour shifts and have 45 min walk to and after work!! They cannot afford the bus fare !

Why would anyone think that?

I don't think anyone is suggesting that all carers are 'criminals'. Unfortunately some are.
On another note, GP's are allowed to inherit from patients. Made a huge complaint to the GMC regarding a GP inheriting from a relative and it was thrown out...

I do have a problem with people who consider all carers as ‘criminals'

I don't think anyone's suggested that - only that the job can offer access to vulnerable folk, and might therefore be attractive to some who do have criminal intent

Puzzled as pissed…look at the previous thread and lots of innuendo about carers!! So are you saying that anyone working with vulnerable adults could potentially be criminals?

are you saying that anyone working with vulnerable adults could potentially be criminals?

No, of course not; just like everywhere else the vast majority of them will be thoroughly decent people (as I have cause to know)

The point was never to suggest that the job attracts a stampede of criminals, only that those who are may see opportunites within it ... though I do admit that the lax screening used by some companies worry me

Put a stop to this now. You need to be POA. Take charge - please.

Of course all carers are not criminals...

But for criminals they are often an easy target, being vulnerable... Through loneliness /cognitive decline /and grooming

Have you managed to talk to your dad OP?

this is disgusting!

No way should he be changing his will. He pays her the 'going rate', and that's all she's frigging entitled to.

Blow her up to the tax office, because I doubt she's paying tax.

I've worked in health and social care for years, and there is no way on earth I'd be expecting this kind of 'bonus'. In my last job, I wasn't allowed to even except gifts unless they were under £5, say, a box of chocs at Xmas, and I and my manager had to sign a book to say I'd received something.

adult safeguarding, social services, would be my first call. I'd also make damn sure that any high value items in the home, such as antiques or jewellery, was removed as soon as possible.

I'd also make sure that he's not getting scammed in other ways: gardening, cleaning, fixing the roof: these scumbags usually have a little group of scammers around them who all milk the old person until there's nothing left.

I'd also make sure his medication is okay. It's pretty easy to obtain sedative drugs, for example, and administer them to the 'cared for' without their knowledge, and that makes them more compliant. Also increases their risk of falls and risk of self neglect.

I'm not saying she's a wrong 'un, but, if she is, then your Dad could actually be in serious danger.

It should be illegal for carers to get financial gifts in wills.

You are right to be concerned.

Proving he is not of sound mind is very difficult. I would get this will invalidated by any means necessary

My mum had an elderly uncle (widowed) who had no children. Dm and her brother lived hundreds of miles away and we used to visit in school holidays (so every 6-8 weeks). When he was in his 90s, a woman (i don't know where she appeared from as he rarely went out) befriended him and took him shopping, bought things to his house etc, helped him in the house. When he died he had left some money in his will to this woman. My mum and her brother were ok with this as they recognised she had been a valuable source of help, and company for him as they lived so far away.

However several months later the lady called my mum asking if she knew when the estate would be distributed "as its never taken this long before....."

My dil is a carer. Via her agency under £5 token gift is all that's allowed from a client. As it should be imo.

Unfortunately OP under the mental capacity act 2005, unless you're father has been certified as lacking capacity by a certified practitioner, e.g, a psychiatrist then there's nothing you can do.
You can raise your concerns with the adult safeguarding team in your father's area, but only as a concern.
They will visit your father, but if he demonstrates that he is of sound mind and made the decision of his own free will then unfortunately no one has the power to change anything.
Even people diagnosed with dementia are deemed to have capacity unless proven otherwise.
As crazy as it may seem, that's the law. Sorry.

Thank you all.
An update:-
I've spoken to my Dad about getting in a care agency to cover the times when the carer isn't around. He agreed it was a good idea. He told this to the carer (think he tells her everything) and all of a sudden her Mother has offered to help out and the carer herself has offered to do more hours.
I've reported the whole story to social services. Apparently it has been classed as a 'medium risk' and is under investigation/discussion by a multi agency team.
I will also be speaking to Age Uk next week for advice.
Please keep the comments and advice coming. I'm reading it all...

The red flags are flying high now.

There was a similar story with my gran. She was befriended by a man who became her "companion". The man's daughter stepped in and started cleaning for my gran and getting shopping, etc despite the fact that I had offered to pay for a cleaner. Agency carers were sent away by my gran/the companion. We weren't too worried as my gran has very little to be fleeced. We knew small amounts of money were going missing but let it go as my gran liked having the companion chap around (she had dementia and was very belligerent so it was best just to let her be). After she died there was not a single thing of value left in her flat - every bit of cash, all her jewellery had gone. It wasn't worth much but it made me really sad. The jewellery was supposed to come to me and had sentimental value.

The warden at my gran's sheltered accommodation warned my dad about the companion. Apparently he had form for befriending women. But there was nothing we could do at that point to detach him from her.

Yes, I'm afraid I thought that would be their response. A generous mind might feel they just want to be helpful, but the alternative's that they're trying to avoid losing their influence

Assuming your DF's happy for them to do more (?) you're covering everything you can with the authorities and Age UK, but personally I'd be setting up a test that DF couldn't fail to understand if it went a certain way - and I'd do it by placing some bait money with a suitable camera nearby

I'm the first to accept it's not an especially pleasant thing to do, and of course you risk losing the money along with the price of the camera, but it just might be the quickest way to solve this once and for all