AIBU to be concerned about carer and my frail Father?

[Parsley65]

My Dad is 90 and increasingly frail. He currently lives independently in elderly block, but is really at the stage of needing 24 hour care as he's becoming a danger to himself (falls, etc.)
Over the past few months he has been talking about a new 'carer' who he met by chance. She started off by going to see him for a couple of hours a week, but quickly become indispensable and is now with him 30 + hours a week.
She is paid generously, in cash. She takes him to all his appointments, to the bank, shopping, lunches, etc.
I live 20 miles away, see him once or twice a week and am getting increasingly concerned about his dependence on her. The last straw is that he has changed his will, leaving her £20,000. She had told him of her long held wish to start her own business once he's gone and that she doesn't want to continue as a carer. Apparently they have planned it together.
I've met her a couple of times and she is very friendly, helpful and attentive. He won't hear a word against her, insists she's his friend, that he loves her and that he is happier now than he has been for years.
I'm not sure what to do and would appreciate your help and advice...

They’ve planned it together. More like she had it planned all along and he’s been coerced and brainwashed in to it.

There's incredible naivety on display from many on this thread. People target vulnerable people with a few bob all the time. I would be hugely suspicious about this carer who has suddenly popped up with a convenient story about needing money. Where did she come from?

She needs to have public liability insurance and yes to hidden cameras in the house.

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 she can't put cameras in the house unless her father agrees!

OP you are right to be concerned. A friend's father was taken advantage of by a carer, without his knowledge, and lost a lot of money. Ultimately when he found out it probably contributed to the poor health of the last year of his life.

@Hont1986 There is no legal restriction in wills for employed carers whether this woman is one or not. If someone is employed by an agency, the agency will forbid it. But a genuinely self employed carer has no restrictions on receiving gifts while the person they are caring for is alive, or in their will.

I can't quite work out why @seaweedandmarchingbands finds other people's concerns over an unregistered, uninsured, unknown woman fleecing a frail elder so funny!

Or why such a person's focus on money is less abhorrent than the OPs!

@Parsley65 get that POA registered, check everything. Then contact her and ask for a 1-2-1 meeting about your DFs continued care, sound positive, interested, supportive! If she is legit she will welcome such a meeting, then you can relax, she'll get a lump sum, your DF will get good care. But if she is not legit you can start by safeguarding your DFs ability to pay for better, safer care.

OP some advice from someone who has been through this. Legally you can do nothing. No one will be interested. You can not put cameras in or anything else practical. What you can do is work hard to maintain a good relationship and keep a very close eye on what is going on. The carer involved with my relative tried to create rifts between relative and the wider family and her "care" led to a serious fall and hospital stay in two occasions.
Your dad is very vulnerable. You need to make sure you are keeping a close eye.

My frail, elderly Mum, vulnerable (and although assessed as having capacity, in the early stages of dementia) was scammed out of a large amount of money.
There is a whole industry around manipulating old people who have become more trusting and less able to discriminate.
Op your Dad sounds as though he was lonely, and this woman is manipulating him and almost making him think that she loves him. This is no different to the men who marry woman after woman in order to empty their bank accounts. I would be very, very worried. Contact age concern, local police and SS. I think this woman’s next step might be to actually marry your Dad.
I really hate people who target the elderly, my Mum had worked hard, and that money could have paid for lovely holidays while she was still strong enough to enjoy them. She also saved because she very much wanted to be able to leave money for her children and grandchildren, and her more able, younger self, would have been utterly furious that her savings were stolen in this way.
Keep us posted OP . I feel for you.

I have no experience in this at all but it sounds like this person is taking advantage for sure. I really hope you get it sorted OP - people who take advantage of the elderly are pure scum.

Would your dad let you see his bank statements OP? So you can ensure that large amounts are not going missing? I'd be very worried if I were you, I can't understand some of the comments on here .

@walkerbean The comments are wrong, but it is what OP may come across from professionals. The carer who fleeced my relative was we found out well known to the local vicar who had seen her do it to a number of vulnerable elderly people.

CuriousaboutSamphire

That isn’t what I find funny. It’s the transparency of the ‘concern’ for that same vulnerable old man, when really, the majority of the OP’s concern seems to be over the money. It’s also the tone of outrage on this thread, that a person might be seeking to ‘fleece’ said old man, when the only reason she might be in a position to do so is that he was lonely and clearly not getting the help he needed. Not quite so funny, that bit, to be fair.

If he's of sound mind enough for you to enact a POA then there won't be anything you can do about the will as he clearly has capacity.
Is she looking after him well? She may be dodgy but may also be the one keeping him from paying £1000 a week for full time care, especially when family can't or won't be there for him. If you take her away what's the alternative?

This is not a problem of a few bad apples it is endemic in the care system which is notorious for its low rates of pay.

Why are there no checks and balances or safeguards for the elderly in care to protect them from abusive behaviour both financial and physical.

The elderly are the most vulnerable in society. With luck we all become elderly. We must get proper protection put in place.

The problem stems from the fact that old people die and can no longer right these wrongs. That is down to us.

OP, can you persuade your father to move to more suitable accommodation/care facility near you and away from this “lady”?

@seaweedandmarchingbands I can't reconcile your internal contradiction though. You clearly see that OP is only money oriented but won't see that the perfect stranger acting as a carer, who has already told a good enough story to be gifted £20K, may also be money oriented.

This man is, by mere dint of his age, a vulnerable adult. I can't see why anybody would not have a moment of concern! Your staunch support of the woman and condemnation of the OP don't tally! It is a weirdly contradictory stance!

@Walnutwhipster The alternative is a decent carer supervised through an agency.

CuriousaboutSamphire

I haven’t said the woman isn’t money-orientated. Have I? I haven’t defended her.

The alternative....?..?

Fibing out exactly who and where this woman came from.

If she's legit - fine

If op makes it clear she's checking around... I suspect won't see the woman for dust... Scammers don't want suspicious adult kids around...

The alternative... The OP gets recommends and formally employs carers who she employs directly.... With references /dbs etc etx...

There are options... People who just say... 'what's the alternative???' are minimising the very real threat SOME people pose to vulnerable people

You are wrong that scammers will scarper. Some know exactly what they can get away with and how little relatives can do.

??? You have consistentl;y said that his DD is ony after his money.

And you have consistently said that the 'carer' makes him happy and have not uttered a word against her selling him a story to gain in his will. You just shrugged and said you didn't lnow.. not a doubt you afforded his daughter!

THAT INCONSISTENCY!

CuriousaboutSamphire

I have expressed no opinion about the carer at all, and confined my comments to the OP’s attitude, which I am within my rights to do.

OP who admits that her elderly, frail father needs 24hr care but visits once or twice a week, however is very clear on the state of his savings and property and changes to his will

vs

Lady who is taking the father to all his appointments, lunches, going out socially and on errands, father gets on with her very well and loves having her around.

I know who I think should get the money...

The point is that no one who was honourable would accept the money anyway. The fact he has changed his will and left this woman so much money on such a short acquaintance and she is going along with it, speaks volumes.