AIBU to be concerned about carer and my frail Father?

[Parsley65]

My Dad is 90 and increasingly frail. He currently lives independently in elderly block, but is really at the stage of needing 24 hour care as he's becoming a danger to himself (falls, etc.)
Over the past few months he has been talking about a new 'carer' who he met by chance. She started off by going to see him for a couple of hours a week, but quickly become indispensable and is now with him 30 + hours a week.
She is paid generously, in cash. She takes him to all his appointments, to the bank, shopping, lunches, etc.
I live 20 miles away, see him once or twice a week and am getting increasingly concerned about his dependence on her. The last straw is that he has changed his will, leaving her £20,000. She had told him of her long held wish to start her own business once he's gone and that she doesn't want to continue as a carer. Apparently they have planned it together.
I've met her a couple of times and she is very friendly, helpful and attentive. He won't hear a word against her, insists she's his friend, that he loves her and that he is happier now than he has been for years.
I'm not sure what to do and would appreciate your help and advice...

How did he ‘happen’ to meet this person?
90 yr old and frail, I doubt he’s down the pub often.

Seriously, this is the first attempt at extracting money and it has worked. She will be back for more money and marriage isn't off the cards. I think you need to step in in some way. I know someone who has had this happen to them and their whole inheritance disappeared to a couple of minor acquaintances of the person with Alzheimer's who then dropped the person with Alzheimer's shortly afterwards. The people concerned were volunteers at the local church.

Put it this way, if he needs substantial care, then £20,000 would probably fund around 4 months of full-time care in the home my dad was in. So, in context, maybe he's getting a good deal.

Terrifying. Get rid of her pronto.

This is really worrying. Get in touch with the police as soon as possible

I remember 'inheriting ' an elderly lady in her early 80s from a friend after he moved away.. for £10 I used to drive some distance to give her a supported shower. She told me of a lovely lone parent she met in the church ( who was being well supported by her husband so not in financial need) she had a son of 10. She admitted she loved this lady dearly and had a crush on her. she took her shopping once a week in 'their car' the mum had the car at her house and blue badges and used it at will. The old lady paid for tax, insurance and repairs. ( she was very lucid and therefore had capacity. On the boys birthday she bought him an Xbox/ PlayStation at the cost of nearly £300, then she asked me to get her pension and after the mum had come back off holiday that the older lady happily paid for I noticed that on the weeks that mum got her pension there was quite a bit come out where the older lady had 'treated' the mum & son. I knew the mum was taking advantage of the older lady because older lady had no family but there wasn't anything I could do as it was consensual... sadly it made me feel uncomfortable and I said I was looking for a job nearer home. Most of the carers I know ( myself included) would rather give than take from a vulnerable person and if this Carer was working for an agency to accept any 'gift' would be a sackable offence. Sorry for long post but I was just wondering op do you think your father could be flattered by this woman's attentions and find her attractive and she's taking advantage of that?

Salsmum you've hit the nail on the head!
My Dad told me last night that he's 'a little bit in love' with the carer. They hug and call each other 'darling.' The fact that there is more than sixty years between them makes me feel rather sick, but although the evidence is mounting up, some replies also urge caution. If I report her he may well turn against the family.
I have power of attorney, though only the document, I haven't enacted it yet. I will do that this week.
Thank you again for all your wise words.

LPA for finance only kicks in when the donor (your dad) loses capacity to make decisions OR when he gives you permission to use it. So you will need his permission to take over his financial affairs unless you can prove somehow he no longer has capacity (not easy).

What’s your relationship with your dad like? Can you discuss your concerns? Do you have the name and phone number and address of the carer? Could you ask her if she has a DBS check, and if not obtain one for her ‘for your peace of mind’ etc?

Contact the police. She is essentially financially abusing an elderly man, taking advantage of the fact that you live 20 miles away and only see him once/twice a week.
Any decent and above board carer would have contacted you as soon as your Dad offered her this money and would also be talking to you regularly about your Dad and her role in his care. My bet is that she's also getting other financial 'gifts' from your father that you've yet to be aware of.

When my aunt died her carer inherited all her antiques, even my dgm's family Wedgwood and all her stuff.
And a £350k house...
She had also befriended her immensely...
Seek legal advice op.
ASAP.

Tell local safeguarding board

I would suggest contacting social services adult Safeguarding team. Your local council website should show you how to do this.

I can understand why your father feels he wants to reward her but any carer working for a reputable agency is not allowed to accept gifts from their clients (I think it has to be under £20) .

This is a massive issue and there is a lot of it about. Some people in the social care industry target elder people for personal financial gain during the latter stages of their life. There is a high reward in proportion to the effort.

I had a frail elderly neighbour whose wife became ill. A private home help was hired to assist her. She died. Very shortly afterwards the home help moved in ostensibly to help him and stay in a spare room.

Eventually the neighbour succumbed to Alzheimer’s. In the early stages of the disease when he was easily manipulable the home help got a solicitor in and had her name added to the deeds and shortly after that moved him into a home. The children were not allowed to see him just before and after that.

The house, two other houses and a lot of investments are involved and it’s all been done very quietly without anyone’s knowledge other than me garnered from discussions I had with them separately. Probably a million pounds in all.

My observations and suspicions are all heresay.

There are gangs involved in this I suspect who gather information from social care helpers and then target the elderly when they become seriously ill near the very end of life.

I have no personal interest in this other than it simply attracted my notice at the time and is still ongoing.

My alarm bells were ringing whilst reading your post. I’m a cynical person but would rather be cynical and safe. I would seek legal advice OP.

Classic scenario and you have to stop it fast.
Maybe word it to him that the will money may get her into trouble and he wouldn’t want to do that? Get the will changed back.
Get power of attorney and break the bond sorry but you may have to be the ever present daughter taking over for a bit. Any siblings or grandchildren that could help you?
Also report to police she may have a bit of history. Honest people in care would not accept a will change!

That is terrifying darkcloudsandrainstorms I must admit I didn’t even know that was a ‘thing’

I don’t get it. He’s happy. What is the problem, other than that he might leave her money?

Omg get that POA sorted now and enforced. Be responsible for all his money. Get the will changed back
Get the police involved. Why are you even questioning this?! She is clearly taking advantage of him.

These threads generally make me feel a bit ill. All about money, rarely about the elderly person who is - by the OP’s admission - perfectly happy and being well-cared for. It’s his money, at the end of the day.

but carers do call their charges darling, although they should limit hugging

other than that it does sound really worrying op.

perfectly happy and being well-cared for. By someone doing so for money only? So you could say that it is OK to pretend to like, love someone, for cash, if it makes the dupe happy?

@AGermFreeAdolescent

I didn’t know it was a thing either. It was new to me. Another neighbour verified my suspicions. Two or three people were involved, one and of life helper and a couple of informants, one a carer.

The end of life helper gained from five wills and the home help helped herself to a home or two.

I’ve got elderly parents with lovely carers too.

I echo what the others have said. You need to contact the local safeguarding team and talk it through with them. You say he can be forgetful and confused, in which case a capacity assessment needs to be done.
Sorry if you've already answered this but do you or anyone a financial and health lasting power of attorney? If not you should get that sorted out ASAP.

CuriousaboutSamphire

If he is happy, he is happy. He’s in the last years of his life and probably feels lonely and unsafe without someone regularly around and offering affection. The OP can’t do that, so he has found someone who can. 🤷🏻‍♀️

How did he meet this person? Who is paying her in cash? This is not good.