AIBU to be concerned about carer and my frail Father?

[Parsley65]

My Dad is 90 and increasingly frail. He currently lives independently in elderly block, but is really at the stage of needing 24 hour care as he's becoming a danger to himself (falls, etc.)
Over the past few months he has been talking about a new 'carer' who he met by chance. She started off by going to see him for a couple of hours a week, but quickly become indispensable and is now with him 30 + hours a week.
She is paid generously, in cash. She takes him to all his appointments, to the bank, shopping, lunches, etc.
I live 20 miles away, see him once or twice a week and am getting increasingly concerned about his dependence on her. The last straw is that he has changed his will, leaving her £20,000. She had told him of her long held wish to start her own business once he's gone and that she doesn't want to continue as a carer. Apparently they have planned it together.
I've met her a couple of times and she is very friendly, helpful and attentive. He won't hear a word against her, insists she's his friend, that he loves her and that he is happier now than he has been for years.
I'm not sure what to do and would appreciate your help and advice...

PuzzledObserver

Wills don’t have to be fair and proportionate. If he leaves all his money to this woman, that is a shame for the OP, but if he has capacity he can do it. If he doesn’t, why didn’t he already have a carer, brought on board by the OP?

If someone has capacity then there is nothing anyone can do. We are all entitled to make unwise / bad choices / decision. As long as we know why and how it's bad decision and understand the consequences. Equally those that have their decision making impacted on need to be supported to make choices. Again they may not be the decisions you or I would make, but as long as the decision has been made with help and we know it's what the person really wants without outside influence (such as being manipulated by someone, such as a carer) then that's fine too.

in what universe is that fair or proportionate?

Wills don't have to be fair and proportionate in England and Wales, at least. I believe you do have to make provision for dependents but OP isn't one. He could change his will and leave it all to Cat's Protection if he wants to.

Leaving a gift, even a large gift, for your full-time carer seems like quite a decent thing to do to me.

Except elderly people with capacity are manipulated by carers and effectively financially abused. But there is nothing family can do about it.

@Hont1986 other such as nurses and carers who work for agencies are expressly forbidden from receiving gifts in wills precisely because these are so easily coerced

Sure. That doesn't apply here though because this lady isn't a nurse or professional carer, she is a private citizen who has become the friend/carer of this elderly man, and she is free to accept all the cash/gifts/inheritances that he might choose to give her.

The bottom line is he would be lonely and struggling without this person. £20,000 isn't out of line if she cares for him for the next five to ten years and that's clearly what he wants her to do - which is why the money is in the will now. He's paying her to stay. I think that's fair enough but the op should remain alert and present.
In terms of overall inheritance, presumably half of his current wealth was inherited from
The op's mum so its not all exactly his to do with as he pleases. Morally half is the inheritance for the op from her mum.

Agreed that wills don’t have to be fair, and if he does have full capacity it would be difficult to challenge it. That doesn’t make it morally right.

It is highly unlikely that she has fallen in love with him, or is doing it because he is a sweet old man who she feels sorry for. It is much more likely she is doing it deliberately, for the money.

Now yes, many carers do call their clients darling, hold their hands etc. But then they go home to their families and are content with their wages. They are doing a professional job, for which they are paid (usually not enough, but that’s another topic) which is separate from their personal life. This woman seems to be entangling her personal life with his, without the appropriate emotional separation.

And that is - at least potentially - exploitative.

I'm having similar issues.

What catinabeanbag said up thread.

Get the poa registered with bank. Its sounds as if he could be vulnerable to exploitation... I would take over control over his account. You can pay any carer direct...

Please contact adult safeguarding too.

Ring police to see if this woman is known to them... (she may have whole string of elderly people she's done this to.)

Im not sure could you so a Sarah's? Law type enquiry on her? You could ask her ti have a full dbs check and check this as her employer...

Obviously there are good reasons why nurses/carers are often only allowed to accept gifts up to 10/20£.

I would ask the solicitor to involve you if your dad approaches them to change will... He most likely doesn't have capacity to understand all the consequences.

There is an alert scheme with the land registry where you can be told if there is any variation on the deeds... I think it means you'd be contacted if he tried to for example put her on the deeds.

Can you ask 5he neighbours? Do they know anything about her? Their impressions?

You could ask her ti have a full dbs check and check this as her employer...

The OP isn’t her employer.

Also... I would try and keep tabs on her wages.... Ask to pay her direct....

I would bet that she has access to any cards /pin numbers. And probably be very well versed on how much money he has... Inot just house... But exploitative carers will make it their business to look at any bank statements lying around....

You can’t just ‘snatch’ power of attorney because you’ve decided he can’t make wise decisions for himself now. It’s really not that simple.

She may be a perfectly suitable carer, and unaware of a will change. The chit chat about her wanting her own business is inconsequential. I blather on all day about complete twaddle with my residents. It’s just conversation, when I speak about worrying about my son, it doesn’t mean I expect the resident to sort the problem, it’s just chatter. I often dream out loud about a holiday in the sun, cocktails and 5* hotels. It’s not a hint! It’s just something to talk about.

Of course she may be a ‘baddie’ but it’s awful to assume that!

No.... But given her dad's confusion I would be taking over employing /paying carers.

There absolutely IS something you can do about it..!!

PP keep saying ‘carer’, this woman has appeared from nowhere, she’s not employed in any official capacity, sounds like she has deliberately targeted this man.
OP have you found out how he met her?

You can’t just take over his financial issues. He must give permission or be shown, by experts that he is incapable of doing so himself.

Because the family feels it’s wrong isn’t a good enough reason, and is just as abusive as a dodgy carer. The key to all caring work now is ‘does the individual have capacity’. That includes financial, hygiene, freedom of movement.

@Hont1986 she is not a private citizen. She is a paid carer. But there is no way to stop someone unsuitable being a carer unless they are criminally prosecuted.

Re 'snatching POA'

I'm well aware of the MCA!.... Ye sof course we're all entitled to make bad decisions, but the key part is whether the person is able to take the right bits of informatiin into account and make a decision based on this... Prima facie this chap is quite confused....

Prima facie this chap is quite confused....

Prima facie, it wasn’t an issue for the OP until he changed his will.

She is employed. Cash to someone self employed still counts.
I know the key word in care at the moment is capacity. But at times it is a bloody nonsense. It means in reality elderly people get exploited and coerced and no one will do anything.

My mother is leaving some money in her will to glowed informal (non agency) carer. I am happy she does this and carer is unaware of my mother’s will.

Her agency carers, however, are explicitly prohibited from receiving such bequests, life time or on death

OP, have you had a look at the Elderly Parents board? There is a great deal of wise advice there from experienced posters with elderly and vulnerable parents who have been through exactly this sort of thing.

she is not a private citizen. She is a paid carer

No, she is just some random lady who OP's father met. She isn't employed or a professional. The fact that he gives her £50 a week for her trouble or whatever it is doesn't create an employee-employer relationship, and doesn't bind her to any legal restrictions on gifts/wills.

My parents’ carer (sourced privately) is fantastic and it’s not going too far to say that she has transformed not only my parents’ but my and my siblings’ lives (we were barely managing). I wouldn’t be at all averse to them leaving something to her in their will, or indeed to anyone they want (my parents also have a decent amount of money and one still has capacity).
However, red flags in this situation would be:

• despite having capacity my parent would definitely run this decision past one of the children before changing the will (given that OP sees her father regularly).
• where did the carer come from?
• if I was the carer and everything was above board, I would actively want it to be run past the children first to prevent my integrity being called into question

And to all the keyboard warriors who clearly have no experience whatsoever in dealing with elderly parents, OP hasn’t actually said she doesn’t want the carer to have the money - she is just worried about the situation which has arisen behind her back,

It happens all the time because the law is inadequate and everyone knows it. Particularly fraudsters.

If you think people with dementia are vague, try reading the MCA. That law might sound competent, but in practice you need a staggering standard of medical evidence to prove someone has no capacity and has been defrauded. So much evidence it can't exist.

The Royal College of Psychiatrists have publicly admitted that capacity and dementia tests are 'inadequate'.

DF was certified sane four times by NHS specialists. Only when we forked out £3,000 for a brain scan did it reveal the hole in his head the size of a tumbler. All of a sudden, he was diagnosed with an appalling brain injury. All of a sudden - this man hadn't been able to count pennies for 20 years.

I would be worried. People who behave like this aren’t nice people. She is clearly manipulating him for the money. What happens if he doesn’t die fast enough for her. Will she start forgetting his medication, adding extra salt to his food? You can’t trust her.