Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with friend who slept with an 18 year old boy...

243 replies

Dickorydockwhatthe · 21/09/2019 23:01

Who also happens to be her friends/neighbours son. She is 37 too so old enough to know better. The worse thing is she lied about it and denied it to her neighbour who was also meant to be a friend. It makes me feel sick to be honest and the fact that it is her friends/neighbours son just makes it worse. She says she feels shit but probably because she got found out.

OP posts:
Silvercatowner · 22/09/2019 10:05

"Legally ok" is very different to "morally ok". Brains are still developing and maturing at 18 and the law doesn't take account of that.

PurpleDaisies · 22/09/2019 10:07

I expect she’d be thrilled you’re posting about her on here. I wonder if she’ll turn up.

BertrandRussell · 22/09/2019 10:08

Interesting . Threads where someone is worried about a young woman in a relationship with a much older man are always “It’s two adults- butt out”. But when it’s an innocent boy and a predatory woman...
For the record I think no 37 year old of either sex has any business having sex with an 18 year old.

LordRandallXV · 22/09/2019 10:08

I wonder if all the people saying it's fine would feel the same about a man of nearly 40 sleeping with a teenage girl?

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 22/09/2019 10:10

Women who only sleep with men in their 20s are celebrated by quite a few mners

That's not the the impression I get at all. In my opinion we get a hard time from most people on here.

I like younger men but FWIW, I really can't see myself being attracted to a friend's son whom I'd known for years.

I have my own moral compass; I consult it and live by it. I don't need a plethora of unsolicited opinions from a random selection of the population who wrongly believe that I may prey on their sons Blush

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 10:10

I expect she’d be thrilled you’re posting about her on here. I wonder if she’ll turn up.

That would apply to most mumsnet threads, though.

LolaSmiles · 22/09/2019 10:12

I think it's a bit odd for a 30-odd year old to sleep with an 18 year old regardless of which way round the sexes are. It makes me feel quite uncomfortable.

However, unless there is a massive drip feed or back story, odd doesn't automatically mean predatory or that they've done anything wrong.

ddl1 · 22/09/2019 10:14

Unless there's more to it (and I admit to not having read the full thread carefully), then I think YABU. An 18-year-old is an adult not a boy, and there's nothing wrong with age-gap relationships unless the age-gap is used to exploit the younger partner. Lying isn't great, but a mother is not automatically entitled to know everything about her adult son's sex-life. Be honest: would you feel exactly the same way if the genders were reversed, and a 37-year-old man had a sexual relationship with an 18-year-old woman?

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 10:14

That's not the the impression I get at all. In my opinion we get a hard time from most people on here

I have seen loads of threads where plenty of women come to tell other women they are jealous cause they have sex with younger men.

I dosnt say all. I said quite a few.

As I said, some of them even insist men over 40 cant hold an erection (not my experience) and that if only people had sex with younger men then would get it. Forgetting that most of us sis have sex with men in their teens and twenties. When we were also in our teens and twenties.

The worst is the ones that claim younger men are 'eager to please'.

Can you imagine a man admitting he likes to shag young women because they are eager to please and any mner agreeing?

Heyboyo · 22/09/2019 10:15

18 is an adult. No matter what some posters say. If 18 is just a boy then we should start taking the vote away, stop them drinking alcohol, driving, getting married. ‘Boys’ shouldn’t be doing all that

Neron · 22/09/2019 10:15

There are so many ways this could have come about. She could be a pervert, but then the man does have a drug problem, and your friend clearly is at rock bottom. Fully conceivable that he did come on to her because let's face it, drug addicts do target vulnerable people when they need to feed their habbit.
No one knows what happened, and none of the mother 'smashing faces in' nonsense. He is a man at 18 and it's perfectly legal whether you agree or not, which I'm assuming is the view the police would also take if your friend was assaulted.
Clearly your friend has been acting in a destructive way for a while. People usually don't do this kind of thing unless they are in a bad place. We're you there trying to help her before OP, or just judging from afar?

MulticolourMophead · 22/09/2019 10:16

I would be feeling Ewww.

Doesn't matter that the young man is a consenting adult, it's someone she's seen grow up and the implication of possible grooming.

I would feel the same if it were an 18 year old woman and a 37 year old man. The age difference does lead to a power imbalance more often than not (although my experiences with my older ex may be forming my opinion here).

And so what if the young man came on to her (which I doubt), she didn't have to say yes.

It's legal, but morally wrong.

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 10:17

@ddl1 the fact that she watches him grow up doesnt bother you in the slightest

The fact that he is actually quote vulnerable himself?

Maybe you should read the thread carefully.

If you go round shagging your mates kids, they are going to have a judgement on it. If you them claim to other friends that it was his fault because he came on to her and she coulsnr say no, damn right you will be judged. Why couldn't she say no? What is she implying? Cohersion or just that she isnt responsible for her own actions?

Ringdonna · 22/09/2019 10:17

This is more common than you think, only need to look at Fabswingers to see older women Cougars looking for younger men to shag and younger men Looking for older women.

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 10:18

Clearly your friend has been acting in a destructive way for a while. People usually don't do this kind of thing unless they are in a bad place. We're you there trying to help her before OP, or just judging from afar?

Doesnt justify you dragging other people into your destruction.

DoctorAllcome · 22/09/2019 10:19

I just can’t understand why some posters think this is ok and no one’s business.
Honestly, we have friends that are a bit younger than us and have watched our kids grow up, baby sat them, called then “Uncle” and “Aunty”. This scenario if I apply it to my 18yr old DD (who looks about 14 if I’m honest).yes we have a friend the kids have called “Uncle Christopher” who is now 38. If they were to have sex I’d probably shoot him in the dick area. He’s known her since she was 5! He’s baby sat her, given her piggy back rides, helped her draw pictures of the tooth fairy....

No normal person watches a child grow up and is then sexually attracted to them, ever. The fact the 18yr old looks young for their age is just another predator red flag. The fact the OPs ex-friend lied and then tried to blame the 18yr by saying he came on to her is also another predator red flag.

Our culture has this idea that young men are so horny that they will consent to sex with any woman. This is not true. We need to take the existence of female predators seriously.

MarshmallowHeat · 22/09/2019 10:20

This is wrong.

And I’m saying that as a woman who did sleep with a 19 year old when I was 36. It’s not okay.

I met the 19 year old on holiday, we were both traveling alone. I wasn’t interested in him as I thought he was too young and told him so but we hung out as friends. Eventually ended up spending a few days together in a brief affair.

I told my friends back home, one of whom had a 21 year old son, who told me that it was a bit dodgy, would I go for her son?! Of course not, however I reflected and realized it just wasn’t really ‘right’. I know it was a brief fling, however I was old enough to be his mother, I knew so much more of the world, and I could have been quite powerful and manipulative because of my greater emotional experience.

Neron · 22/09/2019 10:25

Doesnt justify you dragging other people into your destruction

Who dragged who? The man is a drug addict, the friend is a vulnerable woman - and yet the point still people don't get, is that it's legal, both were consenting adults, and no one else, not mumsnet, not the mother, not the friend, were there so none of us know what happened except the friend and the man.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 22/09/2019 10:26

I have seen loads of threads where plenty of women come to tell other women they are jealous cause they have sex with younger men.

Must have missed them Blush

Anyway, it's of no significance. I prefer younger men as rule. I'm happy with that. I don't nee anyone's approval. Or otherwise.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 22/09/2019 10:32

I know it was a brief fling, however I was old enough to be his mother, I knew so much more of the world, and I could have been quite powerful and manipulative because of my greater emotional experience.

You could. But I assume you weren't. Your situation was very different from that being discussed here. You were travelling alone. So was he. I don't think that you did anything wrong at all.

Roussette · 22/09/2019 10:32

DoctorAllcome You put it so much better than me. That is exactly it. It's the personal relationship with friends' children. I'm godmother to my best friend''s son, I babysat him, read him stories with him sat on my knee when he was a wee one, I've seen him grow up into a fine young man. The thought of sleeping with him is abhorrent.

There are so many posters on here who keep banging on about him being an adult, so what if she's 20 years older blah blah. It's nothing to do with that. It's the fact it's a friend's son. Not sure why that can't be grasped.

Tilltheendoftheline Agree on the cougar thing.

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 10:34

@Neron op didnt say he was a drug addict. She said he drug issues 2 different things.

He may be in recovery.

This woman has a history of sleeping with young men to fulfill her emotional distress.

The reason sleeping with an 18 year old is, a bad idea they probably dont think about that or understand it.

So yet again, this woman has again had sex with someone that's caused more drama.

She slept with him because she wanted to fulfill hee own needs. She is the mature adult. She did indeed drag him into her chaotic, drama causing sex life.

Jocasta2018 · 22/09/2019 10:37

A much older person sleeping with a much younger person, ie only just in adulthood, always creeps me out and there's a gap of nearly 20yrs here.
Add to the fact that the lad is only 18 but apparently looks younger.
Plus the older woman has know him since he was little!!!! Has there been grooming going on? We'd probably be saying it if it was a much older male family friend with the 18-yr old daughter.
I think friendships are going to be coming to an end over such actions.

I remember watching Liam Neeson in an interview saying he never wanted to see any of the '50 Shades' films. He knew of their raunchy themes. He'd also known Dakota Johnson since she was 2yrs old. Makes sense to me.

Roussette · 22/09/2019 10:40

I just can't imagine it. When do you go from looking at your friend's son as a daft boy you've known all your life, to eyeing him up sexually?

Roussette · 22/09/2019 10:40

*known all HIS life

Swipe left for the next trending thread