Do I visit too much?

[shellet]

My Dad is 80 and in poor health, 6 weeks ago he moved 250miles to a care home near to me. I visit him everyday sometimes for a few hour sometimes just an hour, I've taken him out etc. He doesn't want to mix with the other residents, he was like this at his previous home. The manager took me aside today and gave me some results of some recent scans, it looks very likely that my Dad has cancer. She said the Dr would discuss it with me when she gets back from holiday. The manager told me that by visiting so often it wasn't giving the staff chance to get to know him etc. I felt quite uncomfortable and unwelcome. I left. I feel that my Dad is declining rapidly and want to spend all the time I can with him. Now I feel like I'm intruding. I'm torn. How often should I visit then?

My Dad has now passed away.

Post edited by MNHQ

So sorry for your loss OP but lovely that you got to spend so much time together

Hows your dads mobility? Its usually really busy in the mornings in carehomes then it quiets down. Is it that when your there they cant get him showered etc? Its your dad don't be intimidated , visit often, id talk to someone above the manager and make a complaint..

@Shellet I'm so sorry. Good for you to have ignored the manager and done what was right for your dad.

I think its a bizarre thing for a manager to have said anyway. Makes me wonder whats going on that she doesnt want you to see

Also my first thought.

I assume that you are paying a hefty sum for this home? They don't tell you what to do. Go when you want, for as long as you want. He's your dad and he's ill. Of course you want to be with him.

Oh - I'm so sorry - I didn't read the full thread.

Condolences.

Gosh sorry. I hadn’t realised the update was you.

Sorry for the bad news OP. I think you and your father are lucky to spend so much time together. I'd continue to see him as much as makes you all happy!

@Shellet
Sorry for your loss

you did the right thing and im so glad you carried on.
your dad will have thought you brilliant.and he would have been so proud o you im sure for standing up for you and him.
i know its so horrible now,it wont take away the loss your feeling but just knowing nyou spent every moment you could with him should ease your soul.
keep going.

Op are you sure it was a criticism of you?
perhaps it was just an excuse by them for their behaviour towards him.
They should be capable of carrying on as normal even with you around.

sorry op. i am sure he appreciated your visits.

Quite often the staff would prefer a relative not to visit over meal times. Usually for the benefit of the other residents, but if your DF is not mixing with the other relatives, presumably he eats on his own anyway.
If you are able to visit everyday, and that feels comfortable to you, then continue to do so.
The most I could manage when my DM was in a nursing home, was weekly, but then I worked fulltime.

I am sorry, I did not read the whole thread, but I am sure you must be re-assured you did all you could to make your DF's last days worthwhile.

shellet What a horrible start to the year for you. Your Dad must have felt and adored by you, i bet he treasured you as much as you treasured him.Be kind to yourself and let others look after you at during this time

How wonderful your Dad felt your love and care right until the end, he passed knowing he was cherished and truly loved 💜.

My cousin was in a care home for many years we found one of the homes a bit like this, you were made to feel in the way when you visited. My answer would be that’s great they want to get to know your dad but you want to see him and get to know the people caring for him, he may be their patient but he’s your dad and that usurps any requests they have

Surely they cant tell you how much to visit? At my Mums care home we were welcome any time during 10am to 8pm .I think they often have the opposite problem TBH! Maybe see how it goes there ,if you are not happy look for a different home !.How on earth can an hour or so during the day have any effect on their carers ?!

Sorry for your loss. You did the right thing and I hope you will, in time, find comfort in that.

Sorry to hear about your loss
My Dad was in a nursing home for a year up until he died 8 weeks ago
DM went every day, and stayed all day
I visited 3-4 times a week as did my DB
My DC also visited frequently
Staff were fabulous
I really value the extra time we spent together and have no regrets just great memories

Dear @Shelley, I'm so sorry for your loss.You did your Dad proud. Look after yourself.

@Shellet
I missed your original post and have just read the whole thread now.
I wanted to let you know that I've been so moved by your story, it must have been a heartbreaking time for you. Please take comfort from the time you spent with your Dad and take care of yourself, I'm sure he was very proud of you.

My apologies, I missed your update. I'm very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you xxx

I’m sorry your Dad has died, and very glad you continued to visit every day. Your love and care must have made his last days the best they could have been. I hope those good memories comfort you.