Do I visit too much?

[shellet]

My Dad is 80 and in poor health, 6 weeks ago he moved 250miles to a care home near to me. I visit him everyday sometimes for a few hour sometimes just an hour, I've taken him out etc. He doesn't want to mix with the other residents, he was like this at his previous home. The manager took me aside today and gave me some results of some recent scans, it looks very likely that my Dad has cancer. She said the Dr would discuss it with me when she gets back from holiday. The manager told me that by visiting so often it wasn't giving the staff chance to get to know him etc. I felt quite uncomfortable and unwelcome. I left. I feel that my Dad is declining rapidly and want to spend all the time I can with him. Now I feel like I'm intruding. I'm torn. How often should I visit then?

My Dad has now passed away.

Post edited by MNHQ

I can see their point but it's a point which is unfair on you espcially if theres a chance you have limited time with him

I suggest you keep on seeing him and tell them the above

I knew a lady who was banned from the care home her mother was in because doctors put her nil by mouth so that she would die quicker. She would go to the home and feed her mother egg-flips (basic protein & calcium).

She was banned being alone with her mother.

The hospital said it was a salmonella risk.

They wouldn’t feed her anything else.

The care home was near where I lived, the paper did a story on her, my family knew her and she was lovely.

The care home don’t have your fathers best interests in mind.

Keep visiting. It’s bullshit them saying that.

The only reason I can think of that they might not want you visiting so much would be if you were with him so much that you were preventing them actually carrying out care - ie if you were taking him out at times when they would normally be giving him baths or meals or administering medication or whatever.

Assuming that's not the case (and it doesn't sound like it is) then frankly they should be grateful that you're spending lots of time with him! Lots of people probably get no visitors at all.

And, as you say, it's not because you're visiting that he's not spending much time with the other residents, as he was like that previously. Not everyone wants to mingle with others all the time.

My dad will probably need full-time care at some point and he will almost certainly avoid the other residents too - he's not remotely sociable and would rather just quietly do his own thing.

This is now his home so you have a perfect right to visit often. If they were asking you to avoid mealtimes or times when they are dealing with his personal care then that would be fair enough but otherwise I think they are being unreasonable.

Visit as often as you are able to and want to. Time with your Dad is very precious now and you and he will want to make the most of it.

Just ignore this manager. If he asks you again then say that it is none of his business, that you and your Dad want to spend time together at this difficult time and that is why he has moved to be near to you. Make clear that you will visit whenever you like whatever he says.

I have worked in elderly care for over 10 years and never have i heard of someone being asked to visit less! Avoid personal care and meal times ( or let them know in advance you are taking out for a meal) and they should be glad he has such a caring and involved family. Sadly most clients have it the other way it those people i always feel for

Tbh given the frankly bollocks reasoning I’d be visiting as much as possible, and varying when I arrived. Sometimes even springing a second visit every now and again.

If they’d said “you visit over mealtimes and it’s an issue” then fine. Even if they’d said “your dad is missing out on stamp collecting/dancing/family tree and mentioned it to staff” then fine.

But that about staff not getting to know him in the other 20 hours of the day - absolute bollocks.

Any care home that discourages outside visitors needs careful watching.

As often as you and he want. I'm sure he'd far rather spend time with you than getting to know the care home staff. When my mum had leaukaemia the family provided almost round the clock visiting (hospital approved) so that she felt loved and cared for in her final days and weeks.

She bloody recovered and is still alive 14 years later driving me nuts but that is besides the point!

Your poor Dad is poorly. He needs you.

Wild horses wouldn't stop me.Sorry to hear about the scan results, your time with your Father is so precious dont waste it

He is your father and your relationship with him is far more important. Whilst I appreciate they don't want to just be "the help" it is your dad's home and you have every right to visit him.
It's very common for family to visit daily and also means that if they have a concern about your father's health, you receive the information fairly swiftly.
Don't worry so much about their opinion on your visiting, they have no control over this as it's not a prison.

Do your visits coincide with meal times or quiet times, when you're in the way?

she isn't a proclaimer

OP, I agree with the other posters who wonder if something is amiss. Maybe not a low quality of care but perhaps something else they're not telling you? Is it possible your dad is struggling a bit with the sad news about his health and is having trouble putting on a brave face for you?

If none of that applies then sod the lot of them. It's not just a home it's his home and he can invite whomever he pleases into it.

My DP was in a care home, and my other DP would visit for hours and hours every day. They never told the visiting parent he was 'preventing the staff getting to know' the other parent. That's ridiculous.

You must visit as much as you like, and for as long as you like, as long as your dad is happy for you to do so (and you know your dad better than they do).

Believe me, all too soon you'll realise why your instincts were right (I'm coming up to the first anniversary of the death of one my DPs

Apologies, can't edit - by DP I mean one of my parents, not my partner! I appreciate the acronyms for both are confusing.

It should read one of my parents was in a care home, etc etc...

The manager told me that by visiting so often it wasn't giving the staff chance to get to know him etc.

More likely they don't like to have visitors around to see what they're doing.

Agree with pp.
They don't want you around. They have to be seen to be doing there best and be on their best behaviour when clients' families are around. No cutting corners.
They feel maybe you are judging them and worry you could be trouble.
Sorry

More likely they don't like to have visitors around to see what they're doing

Well that would be concerning!
Op keep visiting as much as you like and vary the times you go. I knew someone who used to vary times with her DM, she turned up at random times & one day and her DM’s room was locked. A career was in her bedridden, dementia suffering, mums room getting changed - despite there being a staff room nearby!

When my father-in-law moved to an (excellent) care home the manager and staff were keen to help him settle in. When in sheltered accommodation he'd kept himself very much to himself and not joined in any communal activities. I did feel the staff were very good at helping him to come out of his shell. He formed good relationships with them - and with a fellow-resident - that did much to make the end phase of his life richer and happier. So there's a balance I think. You want to be with him, but also enable him to acclimatise to his new surroundings. (If he's increasingly tired it may be that your visits leave him with relatively little energy to start getting to know others.)

Bless you shellet thats a lovely thing to do for your poor old dad, i bet he looks forward to them every day:)

I know i would if i were in such a place. I hope there isnt any malarky going on that this place with comments like that, of course the staff will get to see him etc whatever is she on about?

When my parents - and then just my mum - lived in a care home, I visited almost every day. As it turned out, time was running out fast and I’ll never regret it. Visit as often as you want, OP. I’m sorry your dad’s so poorly. 💐

It’s so nonsensical, that I wonder if the manager thought that you were feeling obliged to come do often, and they were trying to put a positive spin on you coming less - so you would give yourself permission to?

I worked in a care home, and families were welcomed with open arms especially when their loved one was terminally ill.

I'd call her bluff and ask what are the best times to visit, and how often would she suggest...........

That doesn't sound right to me at all. The only visitors who did make you raise a silent sigh were the ones who arrived as you were trying to serve meals up or get someone washed/dressed. If you aren't doing this, and they aren't having to get your Dad into a particular room etc ie you're going into his room, then tell them to get stuffed.

I am also thinking that the manager was wondering if you were visiting out of guilt and trying to put your mind at ease, or was concerned that your father is not making an effort to mix with the other residents (does the manager know that this was the same in his previous home?).

As long as you are not disrupting a routine such as eating or medication, they usually don't mind visitors.

My mum worked as a nurse in care homes for years, she only ever commented on the people who had family who never visited. A lot of residents have family visit often, why wouldn't you if you are close, you want to see them and they want to see you! I'd ignore her comment, he's living there they have ther other 12 hours of the day that he is there and awake to get to know him, there's absolutely no reason you should change how often you visit.

I work in a lot of care homes as part of my job, the decent staff encourage visits as often and as long as they'd like.
It's good for the residents, and spending time with their families gives care staff a better insight into their interests/history/abilities.
A manager who says this to family raises all kinds of red flags for me.

I'd keep a watchful eye on what the staff are doing when they think you're not looking. Sorry you're going through this