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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I visit too much?

199 replies

shellet · 20/09/2019 15:00

My Dad is 80 and in poor health, 6 weeks ago he moved 250miles to a care home near to me. I visit him everyday sometimes for a few hour sometimes just an hour, I've taken him out etc. He doesn't want to mix with the other residents, he was like this at his previous home. The manager took me aside today and gave me some results of some recent scans, it looks very likely that my Dad has cancer. She said the Dr would discuss it with me when she gets back from holiday. The manager told me that by visiting so often it wasn't giving the staff chance to get to know him etc. I felt quite uncomfortable and unwelcome. I left. I feel that my Dad is declining rapidly and want to spend all the time I can with him. Now I feel like I'm intruding. I'm torn. How often should I visit then?

My Dad has now passed away.

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 20/09/2019 16:26

We are welcome to visit whenever we like, although asked to avoid mealtimes (dementia wing, so they take a while to get everyone sat down and calm!). Hopefully you've just come across an officious manager and the rest of the staff/home is fine, but I'd keep calling and vary times if possible. I'd also ask for a chat with the manager to ask her to expand on and explain her comment. Also mention it to the dr. Cherish every moment you can with your dad, you sound like you are doing everything you can for him.

Ohyesiam · 20/09/2019 16:26

That doesn’t make sense.
The staff will have most interaction with him while they are giving care. Helping him wash and dress at the beginning of the day, and the same at night when they put him to bed. Unless you are doing all his care ( which you have every right to do) the staff have those golden opportunities to interact with him. And even if you were, that frees them up to sit with him at other times.

Even if you visited for 4 hours a day, there’s still a minimum of 8 hours of time when he’s awake for the staff to get to know him.
I’d be making an appointment with the manager to go through all this with her, because she really is talking rubbish.
What’s your feel of the place generally? Do the staff seem engaged with their work?

Sorry you and your dad are facing this potential diagnosisFlowers

Serendipity79 · 20/09/2019 16:33

I totally get why they'd ask you not to visit at unsociable hours and to respect things like mealtimes but its ridiculous to ask you to limit your visits. Especially if he's really poorly. I'm afraid I'd be asking what it is they don't want you to see.....

Ohyesiam · 20/09/2019 16:34

Ps and don’t be worried about being labelled a trouble maker. The more they know you are involved, the better things will be for your dad.

IncrediblySadToo · 20/09/2019 16:36

Let me have a think here...whose DAD is he?

Even if they do ‘want to get to know him’ there’s plenty of time in the day for that.

...and frankly, I think it has more to do with you ‘being there’ & seeingbwhats going on etc. Don’t like their attitude.

Ellie56 · 20/09/2019 16:38

What a load of bollocks. You visit as often as you want - you won't get this time back, and if she says anything again, tell her just that.

After my dad died, I visited my mum in her care home every day, sometimes twice a day , until the day she died. The staff thought it was lovely that she had such a caring daughter, and welcomed me every time. They were sad for the residents who had no visitors at all.

Are you sure this is the right care home for your Dad OP?

Notajogger · 20/09/2019 16:39

How bizarre.
The care home is run for the benefit of your dad, not the manager or her staff. They have plenty of time to get to know your dad outside of the time you spend with him.

This. I'd also be pretty suspicious of why she said this in the first place. Do they not want you seeing what's going on or something?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 20/09/2019 16:41

The staff don't want visitors because they will be held accountable. Patients with no visitors get minimal attention. Fewer baths, dirty clothing not changed, sometimes shorted of food and medication. You keep on visiting and vary the times you arrive, so they can't prepare.

nzborn · 20/09/2019 16:44

I would be curious as to why she doesn't want you around.I wouldn't let anyone stop me from visiting.

bumblingbovine49 · 20/09/2019 16:47

My sister visited mum every day for the first year she was in a care home. I live much further away (nearly 2 he drive) and am not retired like my sister but I went every week as well . After my mum settles better in the second year my sister's visits dropped to 5-6 times a week and I still went every week. It is your dad's home, he is perfectly entitled to visitors whenever he wants

Tellmetruth4 · 20/09/2019 16:49

I would ignore any hospital or carehome manager who told me I was visiting too much during normal visiting hours. I’d be wondering what they were trying to hide

Original poster
shellet · 20/09/2019 16:51

Wow I didn't expect so many comments, Thankyou.

My Dad had a terrible fall a few months ago in his previous home and he was close to dying. I am worried he is not watched closely enough in this new home. He's had 3 falls so far one has caused a nasty bump on his head. My husband actually saved him falling yesterday. I have raised my concerns with staff but feel they don't take it seriously. The deputy said you can't wrap them up in cotton wool and he needs to be allowed to live. I've told him to press the bell every time he needs to get up which isn't often. He says staff don't stay with him when he's washing. The manager said staff were saying he was arguing with them saying my daughter says I've got to do it this way and it's causing confusion with how they want to do things. I've only ever insisted that he calls the bell for supervision. The staff who have come whilst I'm there tell him it's the right thing to do, they say it's what they are there for. So I don't understand the confusion I'm causing. I don't want to step on anyone's toes but I was of the understanding he would be cared for in the way we asked. The managers aren't as friendly and approachable as they were when I looked around. I stand at the desk to speak to them it takes ages for them to acknowledge me. I do change the times of days I visit. I know some staff aren't aware I'm there sometimes and I hear conversations they probably didn't want me overhearing. My Dad has dementia and is quite deaf so speaks loudly. Unfortunately he likes to express his opinions of each member of staff, good and bad. It's actually very funny at times.

I do raise issues when things occur but I'm always respectful and I speak up as a last resort. Last week the district nurse wasn't happy at the state of his feet and asked when he'd last had a shower, I knew it was over a week. She wasn't impressed and mentioned it to the manager. When I left the manager said quite loudly and sternly that he has been offered showers but has refused them. I don't actually believe this. Normally what really happens is he's got himself washed and dressed so I think they just don't bother. He says his days are Monday, Wednesday and Friday but he thought when he got up it was Thursday that day so didn't ask. The nurse rightly pointed out that he can't be expected to keep track of his shower days. Yesterday I put a note up by his sink saying "shower Friday morning please" as the nurse is coming to change his dressing. Maybe this upset things.

I feel I should talk to the manager again, I don't think I've had much say in how he's cared for. I've only got one shot at this and I want it done right. Plus he's paying almost £1k a month surely he can see and do what he wants. Yes I would say I'm the most frequent visitor there, sometimes at weekends my husband comes or my children to. We all interact with other residents. They enjoy seeing us. It's been stressful enough moving him and now his health is deteriorating so quickly. If anything I thought I was helping him and staff by being there. I'm happy to do all I can for him while I can. This feels wrong.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/09/2019 17:02

Oh OP thats not good. I was right, they don’t want you visiting because they’re trying to stop you seeing that they aren’t caring for him properly Sad is there any chance of getting him moved?

randomusername · 20/09/2019 17:02

The best care your father could receive is in his or your own home with carers in the community. Voyage staff are usually fantastic if they operate in your area.
Otherwise that care home is ringing a lot of alarm bells

intermittentfasting · 20/09/2019 17:04

Personally I'd be setting up a camera in his room.

WonderWomansSpin · 20/09/2019 17:08

I worked in a care home when I was a student. You're not visiting too much and their attitude is awful.
If your DF does have a cancer diagnosis, and if you can bear the upheaval, I'd seriously consider moving him to a home with experience of cancer care.
You need to be able to trust the care home to look after him and I'd be very uneasy with what they have said, their attitude to washing/showering, etc.
I'm sorry they're making this so stressful for you Flowers

PinkBuffalo · 20/09/2019 17:08

I feel for you OP completely. Like others have said keep visiting your dad.
My mum is much younger (only 50s) but in a nursing home as severely disabled requiring 24hr care. I visit her as often as I can although can't get there every day. I am often there at mealtimes when she is eating her dinner or tea. She won't eat with the other residents so takes her meals in her room at the moment. No one has said I shouldn't be there.
You do what's best for you and your dad.
And to PPs saying about visiting out of guilt, well yes that is part of it for me. I love my mum, but if she was able bodied and living independently I probably wouldn't be trying to squeeze in visits on my way home from work. I hate that i can't look after her as her needs are too great, hate that I know she doesn't really want to be there, so I'm going to make the most of it whilst I've still got her as she is all I have left.
Flowers for you OP

ravenmum · 20/09/2019 17:08

There was a BBC article recently on people being restricted from visiting relatives in care homes. Your experience is not as bad as some of the examples, but the article has links to a website about your rights when visiting relatives in a home:
www.bbc.com/news/health-37825745

Windygate · 20/09/2019 17:11

Shellett your update is very worrying. We were actively encouraged to visit and at whatever times suited us. Talking about our concerns and advocating for dad were all encouraged.

Visit as often as you want, vary the times so they can't work out a pattern in short be hyper vigilant.

isamonster · 20/09/2019 17:13

You'll never think - oh I visited him too much - once he's no longer with you, believe me. I'm so sorry about his test results. Spend all the time with him you like.

ravenmum · 20/09/2019 17:14

Oh, I missed the update. Read the BBC article, sounds very similar.

Bluddyhateful · 20/09/2019 17:21

This sounds awful, I'm so sorry.
Have you considered making a complaint to the Care Quality Commission? It sounds like the care home manager is more interested in making money than caring for the residents. Sadly, a common story. We are going through something similar.

What I've found works is regular visiting, different times of day, and each time firmly but politely restate what you want and what your father needs. Check everything. Assume nothing. The carers are likely to be more helpful than the management, and so you can calmly agree with them what needs to be done. You can be persistent and strong and stand up for your dad, without being rude. This is now your job - to stand up for him every day.

BrendasUmbrella · 20/09/2019 17:21

Don't cut back your visits. Spend as much time with your Dad as you like. I think it's probably true that they discourage guests because they feel under scrutiny. But if they're doing their jobs properly it shouldn't matter!

Tooner · 20/09/2019 17:24

Massive red flags here OP. I have never known a care home to actively try to deter family from visiting residents and I have experience of a lot. I wouldn't trust that lot one bit and I too think it's so you don't see what really goes on.
Its a difficult one because on the one hand you don't want to say anything negative in case they take it out on your loved one but you do really feel you need to confront them. I've been there and its a worry.
Don't be a soft touch. Let them know you're on to them, visit as frequently as you want and I would be seriously looking into getting your Dad moved to a different home.

TheMustressMhor · 20/09/2019 17:27

Is there any way you can have him at home with four visits a day from carers? That should be funded by SS anyway.

If he has a diagnosis of a terminal illness he deserves the very best care at the end of his life.

I would be very worried about this situation and having read your update it makes me highly suspicious of the manager at the home.

They should be ensuring that he has showers whether he gets himself dressed first or not. That is supposed to be their job.

They obviously don't want you around.

It's not a good situation, is it?

I'm so sorry. Flowers