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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I visit too much?

199 replies

shellet · 20/09/2019 15:00

My Dad is 80 and in poor health, 6 weeks ago he moved 250miles to a care home near to me. I visit him everyday sometimes for a few hour sometimes just an hour, I've taken him out etc. He doesn't want to mix with the other residents, he was like this at his previous home. The manager took me aside today and gave me some results of some recent scans, it looks very likely that my Dad has cancer. She said the Dr would discuss it with me when she gets back from holiday. The manager told me that by visiting so often it wasn't giving the staff chance to get to know him etc. I felt quite uncomfortable and unwelcome. I left. I feel that my Dad is declining rapidly and want to spend all the time I can with him. Now I feel like I'm intruding. I'm torn. How often should I visit then?

My Dad has now passed away.

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:

PinkBuffalo · 20/09/2019 17:28

Cross posted with you OP. I would be very worried too. Is there anywhere else you could look at? The staff at my mums are very good and would never speak to me like that. I'm so sorry you're trying to deal with this x

ChilledBee · 20/09/2019 17:34

Recently in mentioned my friend's mum being in hospital in a critical condition. She had a routine operation but had an allergic reaction to something which led to her being unconscious for several days longer than they expected. Anyway, there was a nurse who was really touchy about how much my friend visited/stayed and went as far as to insinuate she needed to "let go" of her mother and go home to her child. She was like this with other people who visited patients often too. She said to my friend that there is little point of her being there as only medical staff can help so she should maybe "pop in". It was bizarre. She's already contacted PALS. Her mum is okay now.

hardyloveit · 20/09/2019 17:35

I work in the care industry op! It's so lovely to hear someone visiting their family so often! Please do not decline your visits because of the manager!
If you have safety concerns or concerns or neglect please do raise them.

The amount of neglect abuse etc that goes on through out the care industry is sickening and needs to be reported all the time

Pinkstars2501 · 20/09/2019 17:41

HCA in a nursing home here.

First off, you visit however much you bloody well want!
Second, I actually prefer it when relatives visit and actively taken part in their parents (or other relatives) care. For example, at meal times we have a few of the residents children who come and assist their parent with their meal (our meal times aren't protected), and it's not only massively helpful, but sometimes the family member can get their parent or grandparent or whatever to eat a lot more than a carer sometimes can. Whether that's actively feeding them because they can't do it, or just encouragement by being there with them.
In care home with say 40 residents and 15 or so can't eat by themselves, it helps!

Not only that but by you visiting, your relative is keeping a social aspect of his life rather than becoming withdrawn through lack of interaction. And if you were to take him out, that's cool too.
It's so sad when there's residents who never get visitors except a 10min visit on Xmas day and birthdays. Though I know some people find it hard and not all elderly in homes were nice in their life before....

AppleKatie · 20/09/2019 17:47

As often as you and your Dad damn well want

Nailed in the first response.

OP the manager sounds dreadful your dad needs you more than ever.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 20/09/2019 18:29

Your update is very troubling, shellet. I agree with PP. Go as often as you want but vary your times. The manager and staff are hiding things - bad practice, low standards.

If your DF was going to be there for long then moving him might be his best bet. But if, as seems likely, his health is failing, he might be best left where he is. A move might be unnecessary stress.

You're going to have to weigh up his options when you know more about his prognosis.

timeisnotaline · 20/09/2019 18:35

This would make me very suspicious. Keep doing what you’re doing op. ANd can you email them? Hi, I’m writing regarding our conversation Friday date x, where you requested I visit my dad less because the staff aren’t able to get to know him. Could you please explain to me why the staff can’t get to know him in the 21-23 hours a day that I’m not there? Children are in school for only a fraction of that time 5 days a week and their teachers manage to get to know them, it seems perfectly achievable for me. I’m a bit upset by this to be honest as not only is it a pretty ridiculous thing to say, I learnt the same day he has cancer. My dad isn’t going to be here forever and I will visit him as often as I can. I trust this is perfectly understood in future and you and your staff can do your best to work within the remaining 20 odd hours a day to get to know him.

makingmammaries · 20/09/2019 19:33

OP, I thought right away that they wanted you to visit less because they don’t do things properly. Your update confirms that. They don’t want you to catch them out. If you can get your Dad out of there, it may be better, even if it’s to your home with carers attending.

popsadaisy · 20/09/2019 19:36

Bloody hell how awful of her to make you feel that way. You keep on visiting him! I'm sure he'd rather see you than them. You will never look back a regret spending too much time with him but you will look back a regret not spending enough.

Smiler88 · 20/09/2019 19:36

How unprofessional of the staff! Who cares what the manager thinks, staff have all the hours to spend with him that youre not there. Hes YOUR dad and you two have a real relationship, they can work around you. Im sure your dad would be very upset if you visited less. I would be fuming if someone suggested this. Sounds like an excuse for staff not putting the effort in.

Pcosmama · 20/09/2019 19:40

You know there are so so many elderly people who waste away in care homes with nobody to visit them, so it should be bloody well celebrated that you and your dad have such a wonderful relationship.

Continue as you are! Your visits mean the world to both of you, why would you stop because the staff are failing to get to know your dad in the 20 to 23 hours you aren't there?

If your dad is poorly you will treasure your times together and your memories with him even more.

Sending him and you lots of love!

Original poster

shellet · 20/09/2019 19:58

After our little chat this afternoon I had to leave quickly, I was embarrassed and upset. I couldn't explain to my Dad why I was leaving so quickly. He wasn't happy but I just had to get out of there.

Thankyou all for your kind words and supportive comments, they have really helped.

OP posts:

NWQM · 20/09/2019 21:40

Why is your Dad so far away from you? I'd suggest moving him nearer and going as often as you and he wants.

The home my Mum was in welcomed us as much as possible. When she end stage they feed me and looked after me as much as her.

If you are unhappy with the home please don't put up with it. Moving my Mum felt traumatic at the time but was the best thing.

intermittentfasting · 20/09/2019 21:46

@NWQM

he moved 250miles to a care home near to me.

justthecat · 20/09/2019 21:49

Tell the manager to do one, he’s your dad and you’ll visit as often as you like !

PerkyPomPoms · 20/09/2019 21:55

That sounds very worrying

Cherrysoup · 20/09/2019 22:11

Any care home that discourages outside visitors needs careful watching

Agreed. I cannot understand the manager and I’d be requesting an urgent meeting to discuss his/her ridiculous comments.

sheshootssheimplores · 20/09/2019 22:12

You go whenever you are able. Your dad would far rather spend time with his daughter than he would a stranger.

Justaboy · 20/09/2019 23:09

Plus he's paying almost £1k a month surely he can see and do what he wants

Ever heard that the Customer is always right, and he who pays the piper calls the tune at all OP?

I think you ought to move him somewhere else this place does not sound as if its up to standard !!

SunshineAngel · 20/09/2019 23:14

My great auntie has just died, and her daughter used to see her on her way to work in the morning, her granddaughter saw her for an hour after school, then her daughter went back on her way home from work at 6pm. She would also phone her before bed to say goodnight. Do what works for you. My GA loved having her family around her so much - and she often got additional daytime/evening visits too. But then again, it was much the same when she was at home.

Do NOT let anyone stop you from seeing your dad exactly as much as you want to.

Original poster

shellet · 20/09/2019 23:35

I'm still feeling upset about the situation. I always knew that my Dad possibly had cancer but to hear it pretty much confirmed today has hit me harder than I thought. The rapid deterioration makes me scared that he hasn't got more than a few months left, I could be wrong but that's just wishful thinking. I won't let anyone stop me spending as much time as I can with my Dad and making every day count. He might not recognise me in a few weeks the way he's going. How dare they make me feel worse for spending time with him. I feel awful for pretty much walking away today but I couldn't stay because of how upset and uncomfortable I felt. Hopefully nothing happens between now and tomorrow afternoon so that I can try and put things right with him. He probably feels like he's upset me, I don't want him to feel that.

OP posts:

kateandme · 20/09/2019 23:41

just move on luv.you dont need to feel bad about today.dont make a big deal of it and fingers crossed he then wont think on it either.could you just say you felt a bit funny(migraine or something)so needed to go lie down and didnt want to ruin your cherished visits being poorly and moody etc etc.
you have every right to be there and you must.i know it mut feel absolutely heartbreaking with the news.but you could spend his time left in turmoil or you could spend it making those very special moments together to take you both through this.
so much easier said than done i know.but he will be scared too.he wont want to lose you either!
do the things you love.speak about life,growing up,look at photos,play favourite music,bake him his favourite treats.use this time.i know its hard.really hard.you can do this though.

CSIblonde · 21/09/2019 00:09

It's not up to them how often you visit. Ignore her. She has no empathy for her residents if she thinks that, and I'd question a) her attitude, and b) her knowledge & experience in elderly care.

Coyoacan · 21/09/2019 04:02

I'm so glad you visit often. That is a really bizarre and highly suspicious comment from the manager and I would ignore it, frankly.

I worked in a care home once and it was sad how many of the residents didn't have visitors.

jobbymcginty · 21/09/2019 04:27

I'm a nurse in a nursing home, visit your dad as often as you like, she had no right saying that to you. She maybe needs reminding that it is your dads home and you'll visit as often as you want as long as your dad enjoys it

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