Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Do I visit too much?

199 replies

shellet · 20/09/2019 15:00

My Dad is 80 and in poor health, 6 weeks ago he moved 250miles to a care home near to me. I visit him everyday sometimes for a few hour sometimes just an hour, I've taken him out etc. He doesn't want to mix with the other residents, he was like this at his previous home. The manager took me aside today and gave me some results of some recent scans, it looks very likely that my Dad has cancer. She said the Dr would discuss it with me when she gets back from holiday. The manager told me that by visiting so often it wasn't giving the staff chance to get to know him etc. I felt quite uncomfortable and unwelcome. I left. I feel that my Dad is declining rapidly and want to spend all the time I can with him. Now I feel like I'm intruding. I'm torn. How often should I visit then?

My Dad has now passed away.

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:

nonevernotever · 21/09/2019 04:37

My DM visits a lot of people in care homes and has always said that she wouldn't trust a home where she wasn't welcome whatever time of day she appeared.

Pol16 · 21/09/2019 04:48

I visited my Mum every day in her care home for at least an hour. I was told off for doing this and it was suggested to me by the manager that I should visit less as my mother was relying on me too much. I didn’t agree and continued to visit. In reality I don’t think they liked the fact that I could see what was going on and therefore they had to be careful in terms of their behaviour towards my Mum. For example, she was shouted at in the night by staff to whom she was clearly a burden because she needed to go to the loo. Luckily she told me about this the next day and I was able to deal with it quickly. To be fair the care home owner agreed it was unacceptable and I was happy with the action he took to address the issue. I noticed that the residents who were treated with the least care were those whose relatives visited least. My poor Mum died after only four months there and I was so glad that I had spent time with her.

Her0utdoors · 21/09/2019 04:53

Rubbish, see youwdad as often as you like. I would suggest that what is actually happening is that because you are so present, she is having to use give your dad more care than she would usually give a resident and she is unhappy that is where her staffs' time is being spent. I didn't visit my mum that often, and with hindsight, if I had been a more frequent visitor she would have had better care. Wishing you and your dad well.

Her0utdoors · 21/09/2019 04:58

With the recent news OP, is there the option of asking for a place in a local hospice? It would give you the chance to spend a lot more time with your dad, and you are likely to be made alot more welcome.

Shebertherbert · 21/09/2019 05:20

I would be speaking to that manager again. Saying you will not be reducing your visits. That the nurse has raised concerns about how often he is showered. That you Dad as had several falls. So you are concerned about the level of care he is being given. That if they ever try to interfer with you visits again you will be making a complaint to the care inspectorate.

PrettyPurse · 21/09/2019 05:29

OP - l think you are an amazing daughter. Don't let ANYONE stop you being with your Dad. Why did the care home give you the test results? I find that a little odd.

Take lots of photos and video of your Dad as they will be so precious to you once he has gone. I so wish I'd taken more of mine.

They may also identify any issues with the care provided i.e his feet as you mentioned previously.

Don't trust that manager and in future record all conversations on your phone....again for future reference.

HoppingPavlova · 21/09/2019 05:37

I would have told her she was ridiculous and if staff couldn’t get to know him in the other 21 hours a day you aren’t there then there’s a problem they need to fix.

LellyMcKelly · 21/09/2019 05:42

Check with your dad that he’s happy with frequent visits.. He may have asked the staff to ask you to cut back a bit. If he hasn’t, you visit away to your hearts content.

Alicewond · 21/09/2019 05:49

He’s your dad, it’s never too much, you have every right to cherish every moment. That’s far more important than staff bonding with him for the short time he has left. Instead I would be visiting more

Beautiful3 · 21/09/2019 06:24

Ignore them. Your dad prefers to see you than staff. You'll never get this time back. Carry on what you're doing.

zen1 · 21/09/2019 06:43

CQC information on visiting rights in care homes. Please don’t curtail your visits OP.

GameChange123 · 21/09/2019 07:47

Yes to checking CQC reports and consider reporting to CQC.
You could also raise your concerns with Adult Social Services

MadMadsMum · 21/09/2019 09:47

I wouldn’t let anything deter you from spending time with your Dad and it’s so sad to hear that you have been made to feel unwelcome.
I’m sure the intentions of the staff are good so it might be an idea to let them know how important it is for you to see your Dad and see if they have suggestions for how to overcome their concerns without you having to visit less. Perhaps on occasion they could spend time with both of you if they feel your Dad would benefit? X

greenflamingo · 21/09/2019 09:49

That’s a hideous thing to say - he’s a resident and not an inmate so he can have as many visitors as he likes! Enjoy time together. xx

Halo1234 · 21/09/2019 09:54

He is your dad. Spending time with family is way way way way above getting to know carers who may or may not be there this time next month. You have every right to visit as often as you like. However I would take comfort that she wants her staff to build a relationship with him in a round about way maybe she was trying to do the right thing. But ultimately she is wrong and u spending as much time as u want with him is 100% the biggest priority for u and him. Please dont let it put u off visiting. She should know better than to have said that.

Skysblue · 21/09/2019 23:45

I think that’s a really weird comment from the care home. If his welfare is their top priority then they should be eager for you to be there as much as possible!

How many hours a day is your dad awake for? 12? 18? And you’re there for a maximum of four hours? They have plenty of time when you’re not around to ‘get to know’ him! And your relationship with him is the priority, not theirs. They’re there to provide a service.

Keep an eye on them OP. I don’t think much of them.

walkinginawinterwonderland1 · 22/09/2019 00:06

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. I'm sure he really appreciates you visiting everyday and I would personally do the same if my dad was in bad health and possibly had cancer, it would be important to me to spend as much time with him as possible. So I would ignore these comments as long as you are both happy I would carry on doing what you're doing, you sound very caring

PrettyPurse · 28/09/2019 05:48

@shellet - how are things?

Original poster

Shellet · 03/01/2020 00:43

My Dad passed away on 21st December. I was with him, I just had a feeling all night and went to see him early that morning, he passed peacefully, I stroked his hand. It broke my heart but it brought relief to, no more suffering.

I visited him every day, for hours sometimes. I knew our time together was quickly coming to an end. I tried to make everything special for him. I wish we had had more time but we did what we could when we could. Memories made. I'm now lost.

OP posts:

Nuttyaboutnutella · 03/01/2020 00:56

I used to work as community carer for elderly people so I'd be in their house anywhere between 20m-1hr a few times a week. If I could get to know them, their likes/dislikes, history, lives, what they used to do for a living, routines, families and so on in that time, the staff at your mum's care home can get to know her the other several hours a day they are with her. Keep going OP. It lovely you visit so regularly and I bet your mum is thriving with your visits.
The manager had no right to say that to you.

AbbieLexie · 03/01/2020 01:04

for you at this very difficult time.

UndertheCedartree · 03/01/2020 01:05

@shellet

missnevermind · 03/01/2020 01:09

Hugs Shellet. You carried on and did what you felt was right. I am glad you were able to be there for him at the end.

MaintainTheMolehill · 03/01/2020 01:11

I'm so sorry @shellet. You did the very best for your Dad and he was blessed to have you

Pixxie7 · 03/01/2020 01:12

That’s appalling she had no right to say that. He is your dad go and see him when you want.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8