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Original poster

Do I visit too much?

199 replies

shellet · 20/09/2019 15:00

My Dad is 80 and in poor health, 6 weeks ago he moved 250miles to a care home near to me. I visit him everyday sometimes for a few hour sometimes just an hour, I've taken him out etc. He doesn't want to mix with the other residents, he was like this at his previous home. The manager took me aside today and gave me some results of some recent scans, it looks very likely that my Dad has cancer. She said the Dr would discuss it with me when she gets back from holiday. The manager told me that by visiting so often it wasn't giving the staff chance to get to know him etc. I felt quite uncomfortable and unwelcome. I left. I feel that my Dad is declining rapidly and want to spend all the time I can with him. Now I feel like I'm intruding. I'm torn. How often should I visit then?

My Dad has now passed away.

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 20/09/2019 15:23

Good Lord, if my 80 year old dad was in a care home with a likely diagnosis of cancer, I'd visit as often as I could. He hasn't got much time left, no disrespect to the carers but I'm sure he'd rather spend it with you than the care home staff.

My mum ended up in a nursing home when she was dying of cancer, we were allowed to stay with her round the clock when it was clear the ending was near.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/09/2019 15:24

Start varying your arrival time OP. If you’ve been going at roughly the same time every day they know to expect you. Try going an hour earlier and see if all is as it should be.

Celebelly · 20/09/2019 15:25

I don't think anyone has ever lost a loved one in those circumstances and thought 'I wish I'd visited less'. Carry on with visiting your lovely dad as much as you want.

BlockedAndDeleted · 20/09/2019 15:26

Nooooooo!

You spend as much time with your Dad as you want or you possibly can.

This manager was bang out of order.

Celebelly · 20/09/2019 15:27

Also some people are just not the type to mix or be comfortable in those situations. It's nothing to do with you visiting.

Whatnotwot · 20/09/2019 15:31

The staff have plenty of time to get to know your DF. If you and he are happy with daily visits then carry on just as you are. Some people don’t get visits at all or if they do, very infrequently. I think it’s lovely you want to spend time with your DFwhile you can. As others have said, your time together is precious and something to be protected.

cwtchesandprosecco · 20/09/2019 15:32

Haven’t rtft so someone may have commented on this already, but you can visit your dad as often as you want. The only thing I’d say is that 250 miles is quite a long way and must be making you tired. You need to look after yourself as well and make sure you don’t burn out. It’ll be bad for you dad, as well as you, if you burn out and suddenly can’t keep up the daily visits.

But you can absolutely do what’s best for both of you.

intermittentfasting · 20/09/2019 15:33

@cwtchesandprosecco ops dad moved 250 miles to a care home near the op.

Op obviously isn't travelling a 500 mile round trip every day - she isn't a proclaimer Grin

CassianAndor · 20/09/2019 15:34

gosh, of course you should visit as often as you can - and he wants! Like you say, these days are very precious. You're doing a very lovely thing for your dad.

I hope you can get to speak to your dad's oncologist soon.

billy1966 · 20/09/2019 15:35

You sound like a great daughter. Do not pay any attention to the manager. Bizarre statement.

kateandme · 20/09/2019 15:36

bugger that.bugger them!how many hours minus one or two do they need!
hes your dad not theirs.they are looking after him for YOU.they care for him how you and he need and see fit.
good god.if i wanted to visit mine and sit there with him for the whole day i would.
good on you.
please dont reduce.unless your dad tells you this could very much be whats keeping him going seeing his lovely girl this often.many dont get that much at all and people are screaming out for people to be there for the elderly more.
you cant win.
but you cna by doing as you are(if your managing)
"well.since you have 22 other hours in the day im sure you will manage to get your head out your ass enough to do so,see you tomorrow"

kateandme · 20/09/2019 15:38

my cousins live near my grandpa.they go in every day.and there are three of them so its more often than this.the nurses greet them and are lovely.and are thankful he has someone to distract and look out for him.especially in their busy moments.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/09/2019 15:38

I'm sure your dad would rather have you than staff with him by his side when he's ill. What a weird thing to say to the daughter of a sick parent

Lara53 · 20/09/2019 15:38

I’d be worrying about what they are trying to hide

Gottobefree · 20/09/2019 15:38

It's your Dad and your special time with him and his special time with you. It does not matter if the staff don't get to know him ! He lives there 24/7. If two hours of the day is dedicated to you and him you have absolutely every right

AnotherNightWatering · 20/09/2019 15:39

I’m a suspicious sort so my first thought was “why do they want you out of the way?”
I agree with this. I was in a similar situation, and visited for a couple of hours every day for a couple of years. I got to know the staff well, and the other residents. Many of the "inmates" had regular visitors, who also got to know my mum. It led to a lovely atmosphere, especially as the staff didn't really have time to get to know the patients - many of whom couldn't even speak.

crosstalk · 20/09/2019 15:39

The manager's comment is bizarre. I agree with a PP that you could check your visits don't coincide with medication, feeding or bathing (providing your dad is happy for you not to be there) but I would have thought decent staff would have all that time to reassure and get to know him. Keep going as often and as long as you like - your dad is lucky to have a DC who can and wants to spend time with him and it's a safeguard for him. I would be very keen to keep a contemporaneous record of what I was told. I'd also be keen to send an email to the manager citing what you recollect of the conversation and saying you know you and your dad want to keep this schedule going especially in the light of what she says the doctor says.

Rachelover60 · 20/09/2019 15:40

You just carry on as you have been doing, op. The staff have plenty of time to get to know your dad when you aren't there. She was talking rubbish, what's more it was unkind rubbish.

LoveGrowsWhere · 20/09/2019 15:40

This is now you father's home. You can visit as often and for as long as you both want. Taking him out is something I would imagine staff can only fit in infrequently. Care homes generally appreciate visitors as it means they can give a little more time to those who do not have visitors or have greater needs.

RosaWaiting · 20/09/2019 15:40

Go as often as you like. They sound crazy.

I know some of them are, when I was looking at homes for dad, one was very adamant that residents “should” socialise with each other.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 20/09/2019 15:40

Take no notice of the manager and keep visiting your Dad as often as you want, especially as you feel that your Dad is declining. My immediate thought at the remark by the manager was What Are They Trying To Hide. Keep visiting Op.

AmIAWeed · 20/09/2019 15:40

I found when we visited my husbands Grandmother lots of residents were lonely and whilst the way the manager has approached this is totally wrong perhaps it's highlighting just how little other residents see their family.

It is wonderful you can see him so often
I am in no way supporting the manager for such comments, but perhaps when you visit you could spend a little bit of time in the communal area, talking to residents that don't get visits often and to 'help' your Dad make friends?
24 hours in a care home is a long time and regardless of how many activities the home put on, from my short experience working in one and visiting relatives has always been one of loneliness.

TheMustressMhor · 20/09/2019 15:43

I was Matron of a Care Home and I would have welcomed you with open arms.

This manager sounds dodgy to me I'm afraid. Keep an eye on things. That bossy/controlling type generally doesn't like visitors around in case they spot something untoward.

GummiberryJuice · 20/09/2019 15:43

@intermittentfasting Grin

I agree with others definitely go and visit him as often as you can and I would vary the times as I also would wonder why the wanted you to visit less.
When my granny was in a care home, we were always interrupted by staff checking on her and asking who we were, and introducing themselves, its another way of getting to know their residents and they will have something to talk to your dad about, I think its a really strange request.

TheMustressMhor · 20/09/2019 15:47

And when the doctor gets back from her holiday and you get a chance to discuss your father's medical problems with her, do mention this very odd comment from the manager to her and see what she says.

If it is the case that your father has indeed got cancer you will want to visit as much as you can and you should not be made to feel guilty about this.

Can you make friends with some of the nurses and carers and see if you can find out what they think? It might be very illuminating. Managers who say things like this to relatives usually say very bossy, over-the-top things to their staff as well.

You will very likely find that the manager is not held in high regard by her staff. You could raise this with the next tier of management as well.