..to think that, except in very special circumstances....

[BertrandRussell]

....you should not have a baby with someone you have known for less than, say, 5 years? And you should both be at least, say, 2 years away from the relationship with the parent of your other children?

On the contraceptive failure. I can only speak for myself that I took my pill as I was told and still got pregnant. When it happened my mother was like ‘yeah...you’re a Myfamilyname. Why do you think you have so many cousins?’

We got engaged after 2 and a bit years, married after just over 3... 1st baby born at 4 years.

I think that's pretty normal. Over this time were respectively in late 20's/30's and in 40's.

Neither of us had children from previous relationships.

I can also imagine a woman of eg. 38 not wanting to wait 5 years to have a baby... for obvious reasons.

I agree in principle I think the idea of having children when you are not married/in a stable relationship is a bad one...

..and having children while a divorce is still happening is also silly...

... and with someone you've not known very long...

But generally I think 5 years is a bit excessive and impractical for older couples. For young couples I think it makes sense to wait a few years anyway as you're more likely to be stable financially, emotionally, and career wise.

I think you are being about half unreasonable...

Owlbethere wouldn't it have been more helpful if she'd told you that before?!

I’m with you on the second point OP. Don’t see why people rush into having a baby with their new partner. Or rather I do but it isn’t for good reasons IMO and isn’t likely to be what’s best for the existing DC.

I agree that a bit of patience is a good thing before having children, especially the younger you are, or having existing children in the equation. It's not a cure-all, and won't sort out those who wait for years until a woman is trapped before showing his true colours, but it does help filter a lot of the crap. If one year, two years into a relationship, and you're already feeling like his mum, it really won't get much better.

It does astound me how many women post as though they've been ground down for years when it should still be the fresh, romantic end of the relationship... then a baby links you to him for ever. Or the "partners" who are barely even boyfriends with a string of children from various relationships being useless or at best a vacuous Disney Dad... he's not going to do any better for the new baby. Particularly sad are the step mums who don't want to leave awful relationships because of the wellbeing of their stepchild, whose relationship will then be cut off.

Women are not responsible for looking after men, or changing them. Looking after their own interests when they will be most heavily impacted by a baby from a crap relationship with alarm bells from the start is just protecting yourself.

I'm doing OK in my ivory tower. I was young when I got with DH. We took it gently, there was no need to rush. We've been together long enough that our starting point makes no difference now, and had we have got married and had children years earlier, it probably wouldn't have made a substantial difference to where we are now, because it's a decent relationship. But it was good to be clear on that before making commitments together. No relationship is guarenteed, but at least there were no red flags waving in the 8 years before marriage and children were involved. If I was older, I would have progressed quicker, but with the benefit of more adult experience and independence to hopefully still make a decent judgement.

My background was not 2.4 children and while it's been of no harm to me, I was aware that blended families can be messy and have long term consequences and that babies can be easily concieved in less than ideal circumstances, and that has made me more conservative in my approach to relationships. I've been so rebelliously traditional

YABU. I knew DH was the one after a few weeks and he felt the same.

@Standingatthedoor...yes, yes it would. But that’s my mother for you!

Let's remember that when some people say 'contraception failure', the contraception they are talking about is the withdrawal method.

@YallTroll

What does mean?

True, @GibbonLover. I also think a lot of women now consider fertility tracking apps a form of contraception in their own right, but they require you to either abstain or use condoms on "unsafe" days, which removes spontaneity.

Valanice1989
You're right. Between thinking putting your period dates into an app is the same as natural family planning done properly and grown adults missing the memo that the withdrawal method isn't contraception, its not surprising how many people have "surprise" pregnancies.

But as ever, just like on this thread people do the whole "but I'm the exception".

• my family is so fertile we always get pregnant despite using contraception properly
• we always use the withdrawal method and haven't had a pregancy scare yet
• I got pregnant with DH after a one night stand but here we are 15 years together and married
• I had a good relationship with my ex but it went downhill after 8 years so the idea of waiting before cohabiting and blending families is a stupid one

It's the whole taking comfort in the exceptions. It's the same when people say "but Alan Sugar and Richard Branson are successful and they don't have GCSEs" to deflect from the entirely sensible notion that having a decent set of qualifications behind you does change your prospects and for every Alan Sugar there are thousands of kids with reduced prospects because someone's said "yeah but not all millionaires have GCSEs"
This thread is the relationship version

@Mothership4two

It’s a way of saying “stupid comment”.

Enjoy the read

www.mumsnet.com/politics/politicians-best-answers-mumsnet-biscuit-question

Thanks Troll. I'm hungry now

I can’t sleep so i’ve just got up to have some tea and biscuits.......

Incidentally, I think of as meaning “tedious” rather than “stupid”

In 5 years I'd married DH, had several miscarriages and moved on to thinking about adoption.
I dread to think how unlikely it would have been that we'd have been able to adopt had we waited another 5 years!

I am sorry but I do not understand the thinking behind the first point and I can make no sense of the second one at all.

How would you define "very special circumstances" BTW?

If I’d waited five years from meeting DP (now DH) to ttc, we’d never have had DS, since I seem to have stopped ovulating now, possible due to premature menopause. My parents were married within a year of meeting and had my brother within 20 months of meeting, and were happily married for 37 years, until one of them died. My best friend wasted her twenties on a fuckwit who kept putting her off when she suggested kids as he wasn’t quite ready, but “let’s revisit next year.” Then she left him, met someone else, and they’ve got a baby and are happily engaged after four years together...

Obviously this is all anecdotal but I bet for every disastrous decision to have kids with someone you haven’t known long, there are as many happily ever after and as many couples who waited years and then split up after having kids anyway. And it really does depend how old you are when you meet as well. There is an eventual endpoint to women’s fertility, like it or not.

I knew my husband 6 months before we started trying for children. We’ve been together 15 years.....

I was much older when I met him. He’s much younger. Waiting game for me.

I do agree with @LolaSmiles though. But that’s more about making wise, informed, choices than about imposing arbitrary time limits on relationships.