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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to think that, except in very special circumstances....

272 replies

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2019 12:26

....you should not have a baby with someone you have known for less than, say, 5 years? And you should both be at least, say, 2 years away from the relationship with the parent of your other children?

OP posts:
FishCakesFishCakesLovelyLovely · 20/09/2019 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheChoseDown · 20/09/2019 15:19

I got pregnant after knowing him for less than 6 months..... 12 years later here we are, happy and together and raising a family. It doesn't always matter how long you've known each other for. It can work!

VladmirsPoutine · 20/09/2019 15:19

I'm with you on this. But what of say a 40/41yr old woman who wants a baby? 5 years on she won't have a hope in hell.

BellatrixLeStrangest · 20/09/2019 15:23

I was with my DH 2 weeks before I got pregnant. We now have two children and been together 6 years.
I think your POV is a bit bat shit to be honest. Let people do what they want. It's none of your business

JaffaCakeGal · 20/09/2019 15:31

Not agreeing with the OP, BUT as a few PPs have said, I'm baffled since joining MN a couple of months ago just how quickly women seem to move from one baby daddy to the next. So many confusing and complicated family set ups on here!

LolaSmiles · 20/09/2019 15:37

Jaffa
I agree.
For every person on this thread saying "yeah but me and DP/DH are still together" there's probably a dozen threads where someone has found themselves surprised to learn that their wonderful DP who was amazing with her DC and joint DC is suddenly not now he's upped and left, leaving her in exactly the same position as the 2, 3 or even 4 "crazy bitter exes".

There's loads of threads that show that the men who don't do their share before baby arrives don't suddenly step up and do a fair share once baby is here. This appears to be surprising to a worrying number of posters (who then tend to pile on anyone who dares to suggest that there are many equitable relationships and actually yes there are men who do their share)

Valanice1989 · 20/09/2019 15:37

Well that’s just straight up misogyny. You think men can be better trusted with contraception than women? Why? Because they’re more intelligent? Better at remembering? Not so busy thinking about pointless women’s things?

I can't speak for @Thehouseintheforest, but I definitely agree that if the male pill ever becomes available, the number of "accidental" pregnancies will plummet. I expect there will also be a fall in the number of pregnancies outside of marriage. This isn't because men are more intelligent or have better memories than women, but because women tend to want children earlier than men do (and once a couple already has a child, women are generally more impatient than men to have another one). Men, unlike women, don't have a limited timescale in which to have children, so they're happier to coast along with women they're not really serious about.

A LOT of "contraception failures" are simply the result of women wanting a child before their partner does, deciding to be careless with the pill, and telling themselves that he'll love the baby once it's here. It's naive to think otherwise. MN has also shown me that, even in this day and age, many women seem to think that getting pregnant will make a man commit to her - look at all the threads where women are bewildered that their partner hasn't proposed after their baby's birth.

UnaCorda · 20/09/2019 15:37

So many disingenuous anecdotes. Just because there are exceptions to the rule does not mean the rule is invalidated.

MikeUniformMike · 20/09/2019 15:43

Hello *BertrandRussell".
You have a point.
I don't think people should have sex with someone they would be willing to have a baby with. OK, we are lucky enough to have fairly reliable contraception, but I know from family, friends and acquaintances that unplanned pregnancies happen. Also pregnancies can happen for the wrong reasons - like to try to fix a relationship.

meccacos2 · 20/09/2019 15:45

🙄

Those in their late 30’s don’t have the luxury of your smugness.

Funghi · 20/09/2019 15:46

I think there should be more focus on couples not having children if one of them alone aren’t capable of financially supporting those children.

And don’t even get me started on the people who are incapable of supporting themselves then choosing to bring children into this world, it’s just madness.*

*not including those who are incapable due to disability etc.

doublebarrellednurse · 20/09/2019 15:49

Judgey

FishCakesFishCakesLovelyLovely · 20/09/2019 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LolaSmiles · 20/09/2019 16:05

Judgey
Well yes, most adults have enough sense to look at someone they've just met, who has drama with their exes (including repeatedly making claims that they couldn't possibly provide for their existing children) and think "hmmm, maybe I ought to think twice about having a baby with this man who has a trail of drama and children behind him who he doesn't bother with".

Most people with sense would look at a man who is a man child who doesn't pull his weight and think "hmm maybe there's a chance he's showing me what he's like and I should entirely anticipate that he will be the same after baby".

Some relationships go sour, some people change with relationships, there's no golden ticket to avoid anything negative happening, but there are sure as hell a range of big glowing red flags

Branleuse · 20/09/2019 16:08

I think if you want to live by those rules then they do sound very sensible.
I dont think they are necessarily right for everybody though

Lovemusic33 · 20/09/2019 16:09

YABU

Women are always going to have babies with asshole men and vice versa. That’s just the way it is, waiting for 5 years or 2 years would make no difference. Weird thread.

JacquesHammer · 20/09/2019 16:15

I don't think people should have sex with someone they would be willing to have a baby with. OK, we are lucky enough to have fairly reliable contraception, but I know from family, friends and acquaintances that unplanned pregnancies happen

We also have abortion. I'm not willing to never have sex again because I don't want a relationship or another baby (although I'd probably keep an unplanned pregnancy because I'm in a position to raise it myself).

In general the advice should just be "think carefully about your choices" rather than ridiculous arbitrary timescales.

Just to add to the anecdata, we were together for 7 years by the time DD was born, had been married for 18 months. We split. Not because either of us turned out to be an arsehole, but because life happens, life changes.

Not all splits are acrimonious and harmful.

MikeUniformMike · 20/09/2019 17:08

Yes we have abortions too.
I'm not suggesting that people abstain from sex, just to be a lot more careful about their choices.
Abortion is not a contraceptive and is a bigger decision than deciding to use a condom.

JacquesHammer · 20/09/2019 17:14

just to be a lot more careful about their choices

Very fair point.

This next not directed at you Mike I don’t think automatic disbelief of people who have unplanned pregnancies is helpful though? (As seems to be in evidence on this thread)

Lowlandlucky · 20/09/2019 17:18

OP i think you are right in that people should know each other before bringing a child into this world together and that rushing into another relationship whilst you have distraught children from a previous relationship is madness and it is like telling those children they are easily replaceable

MikeUniformMike · 20/09/2019 17:22

I think unplanned pregnancies happen quite a lot.
I can think of a couple of women I know who went into labour without knowing they were pregnant, and another who didn't know until the 5th month.
At least two close relatives had accidental pregnancies after they thought they had completed their families. In both cases, the accidents were blessings.

MerryDeath · 20/09/2019 17:23

well if i had my time over i would not have had a baby with DP, we were 8 months in. i think you need to see someone through all the seasons.. there are never any guarantees as people change whatever, but at least give it a full circuit round the sun. be ye not so foolish because marriage, mortgage etc is NOTHING compared to the commitment of having a child.

bombomboobah · 20/09/2019 17:23

I think there should be more focus on couples not having children if one of them alone aren’t capable of financially supporting those children
or we could look at the reasons why young people struggle to afford to live independently, excessive housing costs, low wages, all the profits going to the people at the top etc.
I agree it makes sense to wait but from a health point of view the optimal age to have a baby is probably late teens/ early 20's, but this is disastrous in terms of career trajectories, emotional maturity etc

RachelEllenR · 20/09/2019 17:29

Hmm, I think you're being unreasonable. We got married and children quickly - no exceptional circumstances. It was the right thing for us.

Yabbers · 20/09/2019 17:32

No long and involved back story. Just read too many threads about wonen having babies with arsehole men, and while with men still disentangling themselves from previous relationships.

Men don’t stop being arseholes after 5 years. The also don’t stop being arseholes 2 years after your last relationship finished.