..to think that, except in very special circumstances....

[BertrandRussell]

....you should not have a baby with someone you have known for less than, say, 5 years? And you should both be at least, say, 2 years away from the relationship with the parent of your other children?

I think it’s absolutely none of your business how other people choose to live their lives. Dh and I were together only 6 weeks. What’s that got to do with you? How does it affect your life in any way? ooh, did OP touch a nerve there per chance? Of course it’s none of anyone’s business how anyone lives their life. But doesn’t mean they won’t have an opinion.

And what @LolaSmiles said.

I can see the point tbh.
There are so many threads on here where the OP is pregnant with her new partner after 3 weeks and has a 1 year old with the old partner. Oh, then it turns out new partner is a prick who doesn't see his 4 other children.

So in situations like this then yes I agree.

Yes definitely, maybe we could sign on at the doctors and have the date of the first meeting registered and have the pill implanted for 5 years to make sure that the 5 year rule is stuck to.
So if I've had a chil with a previous partner I need to wait 2 year before I meet someone and then do I add the 5 years on to that? So 7 years or am I still allowed after 5?
Totally believe in being respectful and considerate to current children but what you are saying is ridiculous.

Just read too many threads about wonen having babies with arsehole men

I'd been with my ExH for over 10 years before having DD and he only became an arsehole after she was born and he stopped being the centre of my world, so time means less than circumstances IMO

What nerve would it have touched? My only point being that just because a couple have children early in to a relationship, doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing. It was for us. And so what would the OP know about it? Presumably she has followed these ‘rules’ so she doesn’t know the other perspective.

I think what happens often is that people drift into cohabitation for whatever reason, then suddenly there’s an accidental pregnancy and they’re tied to someone they may never have thought of as a prospect for a long term partner, perhaps because they never actually thought long term.

I think the time limits are a bit wide but the general principle of not procreating with someone you hardly know is a good one.

I would say that the most worrying thing I see on MN threads is the phenomenon of 'accidental' pregnancy . It seems there is a woeful lack of knowledge on how to prevent pregnancy and how to use contraception effectively.

I would be really interested to see how many accidents happen if/when a male form of contraception that doesn't reduce sexual pleasure (condoms) is invented as it still seems as though many women 'want a baby' without any consideration of the fathers desire for the same and without any idea if the relationship is secure.

And predictably at least half of posters see the OP as a personal attack and take umbrage.

I think it's maybe a bit silly to pluck numbers out of the air, but I agree with the basic principle.

Haven’t you posted a similar question very recently?

Ha youd have hated me. A bun in the oven after 6 months. And still together 10 years later.

I think your five year rule is daft and arbitrary- it’s so hard to know who someone really is, often u til you’ve had kids. My folks were married with 3 kids by 5 years and have had a settled happy marriage these last 40 years! (41 years of knowing each other...). My good friend on the other hand waited a decade before having kids, and it turns out he’s an abusive bastard. Look for red flags would be better than wait 5 years.

But when it comes to second families, I really do agree that more time should be taken before rushing in. Because a new baby binds you and your poor kids to a new man who’s potentially totally unsuitable. And I’m not judging, I’ve done it, but we took our time.

If I look at my friends and their relationships, I don't really see any correlation between length of time before having a child, and durability / health of the relationship. I have a friend who got pregnant after a few dates, who has been with the same man now for 16 years, and other friends who were together for 10 years, had a baby, and split up not long afterwards. I also don't like your post because it insinuates that the "women who have babies with arsehole men" are at fault for not waiting to see if the men turned into arseholes. Why can't the men just not be arseholes?

There are so many threads on here where the OP is pregnant with her new partner after 3 weeks and has a 1 year old with the old partner. Oh, then it turns out new partner is a prick who doesn't see his 4 other children.

Yep. And sorry, but I absolutely judge.

But did you actively plan to have children or did you fall pregnant unexpectedly? Because while it could work out, planning to have a baby six weeks into any relationship is never a good idea because at that stage even the relationship is not a certainty, let alone thinking that the other person (be that male or female) could be a good parent.

Also it leaves no time for the relationship to become established, for people to do things together as. Couple before becoming a family, iyswim.

With regards to couples who are having children after a split with their other children’s parent, if you’re going to do it that quickly then that clearly takes absolutely no account of your existing children, in which case I would say that neither party is a decent parent who would put their children first.

eenymeenyminyme
Of course any relationship can go downhill.

But there's a LOT of threads on here that go like this:
^Man and OP meet and he is 'in the middle of a break up'. They're just friends at this point but at some point never confirmed there was a break up and very shortly the OP and the man get together. The man will maintain close contact with his ex and this will always be apparently to do with his children who he doesn't pay for because he chips in when he goes to see the ex. Obviously there was no overlap at all between these two relationships and he was never sleeping with both of them at the same time. The OP gets jealous of the ex and the man says he has to have this involvenent with the ex due to the children because the ex is so crazy she'll not allow him to do CMS and proper contact and she prefers him to go round 4 nights a week for bath and bed time. The OP, who has obviously been taking the pill properly in this whole time (?), announces a surprise pregnancy.This is amazing news because he is such a good dad to her children and she already wants her 2 year old to call new DP daddy instead of their real dad. Suddenly man's ex is all sorts of crazy and now he can't see his children because the ex is jealous of the new girlfriend being pregnant (because he couldn't possibly be spinning her lines this whole time). The OP claims that yes she was on the pill but her man should have insisted on condoms so evidently he was happy for a baby too. Man doesn't do much around the house, he's a bit of a man child and is still texting his ex apparently negotiating access to his children, but it turns out later the OP learns he has told his ex that he thinks the OP has trapped him on purpose. They argue but decide their family is the most important thing. At this point you're lucky if the OP is 12 weeks pregnant. At the scan he vows everything will be better for them because OP is nothing like his crazy ex and he hasn't seen his kids in months now because he's busy playing happy families with the OP or prove how much he loves her. Fast forward a year and the OP is out of work, raising kids, he's doing nothing and she wonders if he's cheating by talking to his ex°

YABU and are not the relationship police!

And you should both be at least, say, 2 years away from the relationship with the parent of your other children?

if you think this makes things easier I would say it doesn't always... dp had split from his ex for over 2 years when we got together, she was a knob then, and a further 7 years down the line, his child is a teenager so we don't need to have much contact with her and she is still an interfering knob.

If dp waited for things to be cut and dry with her before moving on with someone else he would be waiting until his death, or hers. Some people never move on.

However I think different things work for different people, for some people it is love at first sight and it works out, for others not so much. I don't think time limits change much to be honest!

Sorry for lack of formatting and paragraphing

I agree with the principle too.

Of course mistakes can happen either side of that timeline. A principle only aims to help on the basis of average experience.

And mumsnet is where you see the very worst (and saddest) scenarios of quick/bad decisions or babies conceived in not solid relationships.

We’ve thrown out the old rules about what determines ‘a solid partnership’, but we still need new ones. OP has at least made an attempt at it. I’m ok with attempting this.

Given I think I recognise the posting name, I'm going to bite.

I think the 5 year bit is a little excessive. Perhaps there should be a sliding scale... meet as teens, no babies til 5 years relationship, and over 20.
Meet in 20s, no babies for 3 years
Meet in 30s, no babies for 2 years.....

Have previous children - certainly no pregnancies before all babies from previous relationships are born!

But then my grandparents were married 6 weeks after first meeting, and had produced babies 1, 2 and 3 before the 5 years were up, so maybe I'm warped in my thinking!

I fell pregnant 3 weeks after meeting my eldest DD dad. She wasn’t planned, I split up with my partner because he was controlling and abusive....

But...I have the most wonderful, intelligent, funny, caring, loyal DD I could have ever wished for.

So if the 5 year thing works for you, great...but it doesn’t work like that for everyone.

I agree that we need better ways of doing things but I don't know what they are.

I think any rules you want to follow in your own life and relationships is absolutely fine and reasonable. I think that believing everyone should follow the same rules is unreasonable. Fact is, you just don't know how things in life turn out.

I've been married 18 years (separated now) but I met my husband in February of 2001. By Christmas of that same year we had our first child and were married. I saw many friends who had long relationships, long engagements, exorbitant weddings who were separated and/or divorced in less than a year. I just don't think those things can be predicted.

@LolaSmiles and you’re forgetting that her kids adore him and have said that they never want their daddy to live with them again, in fact they don’t even want to see him even though they’re just two and three because they have this new daddy now. .