..to think that, except in very special circumstances....

[BertrandRussell]

....you should not have a baby with someone you have known for less than, say, 5 years? And you should both be at least, say, 2 years away from the relationship with the parent of your other children?

As I said- i’ve retracted the 5 years due to popular demand. Although I might reinstate it if we have many more “when you know you know” type comments !

I got pregnant after 2 months of dating. Happily married and never regretted my kids for a second. Oh how smug you must now feel. But my life is better than yours, for a start I'm not as sneeringly judgemental as you.

I was with my ex for 10 years and he was awful. Known DP for a year and would say I know him as well as I did ex and he's a much nicer person! Plus I'm in my 30s and want kids so I don't necessarily have 5 years to wait. Not sure it works so neatly as putting time frames on it.

Ignoring the actual time limits which OP has already retracted, isn’t the point she’s making a good one - make sure you really know someone before having children and don’t jump straight into a new relationship straight out of the old one when you have dependent children who rely on you for stability.

It’s patently obvious from loads of threads on here that some people don’t exercise any judgement and have children without much thought at all.

It’s all very well loving your children but they need more than that and the instability of dysfunctional/toxic/abusive relationships at home and a series of step parents/siblings is not a way to foster happy well-adjusted children.

I have a large group of friends and when younger we were promiscuous, not terribly selective and prolific. Not one of us had an unplanned pregnancy. The failure rate of contraception amongst Mumsnet users seems unlikely. More likely missed pills, not properly using condoms or just not bothering and faux shock that sex led to pregnancy.

“I have a large group of friends and when younger we were promiscuous, not terribly selective and prolific. Not one of us had an unplanned pregnancy”
I was young about a million years ago- and only a couple of accidental pregnancies. (One of them, bizarrely, now quite a well known person!) Quite a few pregnancies resulting from people having unprotected sex while not wanting a baby though. Which is a completely different thing.

I have a large group of friends and when younger we were promiscuous, not terribly selective and prolific. Not one of us had an unplanned pregnancy
That sounds like my school days. A couple of girls did fall pregnant young (15-17) but they had said they weren't using contraception most of the time so it was hardly surprising.

The contraceptive failure rate on MN is astounding. Then again so's the response that if a man did want a child then he should have worn a condom (even if he's under the impression that his long term partner of 5 years is on the pill), or that he should get a vasectomy because anything less than that is accepting he is happy to have a baby as nothing is perfect.

Then again so's the response that if a man did want a child then he should have worn a condom (even if he's under the impression that his long term partner of 5 years is on the pill), or that he should get a vasectomy because anything less than that is accepting he is happy to have a baby as nothing is perfect

I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

The only person you can trust 100% with regards to contraception is yourself. If a child is absolutely a disaster, then you should absolutely take responsibility for your own reproductive health.

Wise, probably.

The contraceptive failure rate on MN is astounding
Indeed, with so many failures (of women who always do what to keep the baby after all), you'd think manufacturers would review the drugs!

I'm in my late 40s, and I don't know anyone, not one woman who got pregnant taking the pill, doing so every day at the same time and taking extra precaution when being sick or on certain medication, and that's a lot of women I got to know over the years.

Yet, here really goes a week without someone falling pregnant, when using precaution, finding out even before their period is due (which baffles me as to why you would even do a test rather than assuming you've caught a bug if feeling sick), and who know within one day with certainly that they want to keep the baby.

Oh, yes, on MN contraceptives don't work.

you'd think manufacturers would review the drugs!

I got given the wrong drugs. It was only discovered at my 6 month pill check - we’d had a mishap with a condom. Fortunately I wasn’t pregnant, but I never thought for a minute to take the MAP because I was on the pill.

I’ve also had a doctor suggest I didn’t need contraception advice, as I’m infertile.

I don’t think we can underestimate poor advice with regards contraception.

I don’t think we can underestimate poor advice with regards contraception.

True! MN also abounds with loads of people that 'the doctor said we couldn't have children' but when pressed it's never a case of being absolutely, 100% infertile (missing reproductive organs, premature ovarian failure or menopause, totally occluded Fallopian tubes, vasectomy with all clear or the like). You wonder, who are these doctors? Or is it more likely quite a lot of people just trot that out?

I know couples who have only been together for a month or two, fell pregnant and they lived happily ever after with their family.

However, I know couples who have been together for years, fell pregnant and they split because the baby caused such a drastic change in their relationship and it was hard to adapt. Lack of alone time, lack of intimacy. A baby can be a strain on anyone’s relationship particularly for the first few months.

There is no right or wrong though. I have two DC. My first with somebody I didn’t know for long before falling pregnant, we tried to make it work and it didn’t. I met my OH when Ds was tiny. We had been together for about 2 years (give or take) when I fell pregnant with DD and we are still together years later.

Okay OP. You are an idiot.

So... my ex and I were together seven years. Going by your theory I should have chosen to have my child with him. Thing is, he cheated on me with many, many women and financially and emotionally abused me.

Now, my current partner and I were together two months when my child was conceived. Not planned, but after my hellish seven years, she was a beautiful surprise that I will never regret. 15 months on, my child is here and her father and I are very happy. So, what is it exactly you would have liked me to do then with your ridiculous idea? Abort my child or have her adopted, all because my contraception failed. How dare you suggest my daughter, along with millions of others, should not be here because of your Jurassic views?!? Wise up.

I don’t think that’s unreasonable.
The only person you can trust 100% with regards to contraception is yourself. If a child is absolutely a disaster, then you should absolutely take responsibility for your own reproductive health.
True to a point, but in most trusting relationships people make joint contraceptive decisions and discuss having children.
It's just on MN where a couple say they don't want children, decide their prevention method only to have a miraculous number of failures and all of a sudden the baby is a surprise but also very very much wanted by one half of the couple.

Yet, here really goes a week without someone falling pregnant, when using precaution, finding out even before their period is due (which baffles me as to why you would even do a test rather than assuming you've caught a bug if feeling sick), and who know within one day with certainly that they want to keep the baby.
Yes.
How many threads lately seem to be:
OP: DP and I said we didn't want kids, but we had sex when I'd been ill. I said I'd get the morning after pill because sickness can mess with the pill but I didn't go because I figured it was only a few days I was ill (and I'll ignore the fact I don't take the pill properly anyway). Now I'm 8dpo and have cramps, sore boobs and think I might be pregnant. I've peed on a stick and it's negative. Am I pregnant? I'm really worried that DP will be annoyed because we said we weren't having children but I'm already sure that I want to keep the baby if I'm pregnant because it's much loved already

“How dare you suggest my daughter, along with millions of others, should not be here because of your Jurassic views?!? Wise up”

What are Jurassic views?

Prehistoric, which is exactly what your views are clearly.

Be concerned with how you live your own life instead of others, it's really nothing to do with you and your abitrary timelines make no sense.

Jamie
Are you seriously suggesting the principles of the thread that people don't go having kids with the first person they think is alright, and don't go blending families left right and centre after 2 minutes are bad principles?

No wonder MN is full of threads of people stunned that their DP with a string of crazy exes and children has turned out to be the same with them after they had yet another child.

MN also abounds with loads of people that 'the doctor said we couldn't have children' but when pressed it's never a case of being absolutely, 100% infertile (missing reproductive organs, premature ovarian failure or menopause, totally occluded Fallopian tubes, vasectomy with all clear or the like). You wonder, who are these doctors?

Absolutely. My own fertility was unexplained. Which makes the fact the GP suggesting I could rely on it as contraception even more irresponsible IMO.

If you think there are more contraceptive failures (or "failures") than average on MN, you don't understand statistics very well. The most common methods have perfect use failure rates of between 0.2%-2% and average use failure rates of 9-18% (condom/pill - coil/implant average use is unchanged from 0.2% perfect).

That's per year, BTW. Now I dunno about you but I reckon most women are sexually active for several of their fertile years, not just one. So if you have between a 1:500 and a 1:50 chance each year to have a contraception failure and you're fertile for about thirty years - disregard say 5 years for TTC/pregnancy/breastfeeding, disregard say 3 years to account for periods of singleness or so on, that's 22x 1:500 - 1:50 risk, which makes it more like 1 in 20, down to a bit less than one in two - That's the chance of experiencing a contraception failure at some point in your fertile life if you always use contraception perfectly. Per year or per encounter the chances are tiny, but put them all together and they add up.

And where do women with unexpected pregnancies end up? On parenting websites! So logically you will come across people talking about it on here. And even if it was much fewer, like 1 in 200, you'd still find people talking about it on here, because 1 in 200 out of several thousand is still a lot of people.

No need for such arbitrary figures.

“Prehistoric, which is exactly what your views are clearly“

I don’t see anything prehistoric in wanting children to be born into as stable a situation as possible.

I moved in with my kids dad after 2 months, we had 4 kids in 6 years, and we met when his oldest was only 13 months old. We’ve had a very good relationship for 15 years and counting.

Only on MN... That 1 in 20 women to 50% of women will have a contraceptive failure.

Where is all this mass outcry for such appalling contraception?
Or does everyone who decides to prevent pregnancy suddenly all find that they very much want to have a baby?